God Is In This...

The last few days have been incredibly stressful.

We found out, very suddenly, that we had to move out this weekend (as opposed to next weekend, which was our original plan). This basically required my cousin and I to spend the entire day trying to pack my whole house.

For different reasons NONE of my girlfriends could help me pack. My mom is out of town (and feeling guilty that she isn't here). My brother had other plans. My husband was at work. My mother in law was at work (and came as soon as she was off). My dad, thankfully, watched my kids for most of the day.

There was one point when I sat on the floor trying not to cry. My sweet, mercy-girl cousin sat with me, feeling every ounce of frustration and abandonment that I was feeling.

Lets top this off with the fact that I have committed to teaching a holy yoga class in Sedona (3 hours away) tomorrow.

So, I have to spend the entire day alone in my car while my husband tries to move EVERYTHING.

Do you see how the stress is rising?

My cousin, Lisa, is always saying these astonishing God-filled things. She is always re-directing my frustration and anger. Today was no different.

Today, she was the voice of Jesus, asking me to trust.

When I finally sat down to attempt putting a class together for tomorrow, I remembered a story from the Bible that I haven't thought of in a very, very long time. As always, it meant something new to me...

I remembered Elijah in 1 Kings 19.

He was beaten, running for his life.

He laid down under a broom tree in the middle of the desert and cried out to God.

He asked to die.

Life was too much and he had no hope left.

The world would surely destroy him.

But God sent an angel to feed and water him. Twice.

And then the angel told Elijah to get up and enter the desert.

So Elijah traveled for 40 days and 40 nights... surely a sign of a man in exile.

He came to Mount Horeb.

He stood outside the mouth of a cave and he waited for God to speak.

First there was a mighty wind.

God was not in the mighty wind.

And then there was an earthquake.

God was not in the earthquake.

And then there was a fire.

God was not in the fire.

But then there came a whisper... soft... still... quiet... powerful.

God was in the whisper.

God spoke.

He replanted Elijah's dead calling.

He reaffirmed Elijah's purpose.

He called Elijah back to life and sent him back to the place he had come from.

Why did God bring Elijah all this way to speak to him?

Why not just set him straight in the desert?

Maybe because Elijah needed the journey.

Maybe he needed to get far away from the stress of his life to come to a place where he could recognize God in the whisper.

Maybe the only way to save Elijah's fallen heart was to bring him deep into a secret place, fill him with supernatural nourishment and speak softly to his broken heart.

For some reason God has been letting me feel alone... abandoned.

For some reason God has been giving me no choice but to follow him into a little desert.

And tomorrow I am going to be more alone than I have been in a very, very long time.

I am tired. I feel beaten down and temporarily hopeless.

Maybe I NEED the journey.

Maybe I NEED to hear the whisper.

Maybe I NEED a secret, quiet place.

So, at the end of the day, I am surrounded by boxes...

I am exhausted...

I am not sure what to expect when I wake up...

But this one thing is clear...

Jesus is leading me somewhere.

Single Mommies

I spent the week sympathizing with single moms.

My husband was gone for 5 days for work and I was left alone with both of my children.

Don't get me wrong - I loooooooove my babies. There is no one else in the world I would rather spend a week with than my babies.

The first two days I felt empowered. I thought, "Amazingly, I can do this."

God was CLEARLY sustaining me. I had energy. My house was clean. I made dinner. We played. We were adventuring!

And then the depth of being alone slammed into me.

Judah got sick. Aravis got cranky. I was suddenly worn down.

And, although my community of people would have come to my rescue if I had begged for relief, I was truly alone.

My job started at 6:15am when Judah woke up with a stuffy nose and didn't end until I hit the pillow at 9pm. I slept restlessly, with both of my children in my room. I woke up more tired than I had been when I passed out from exhaustion.

But, on Saturday morning at 12:30am, my husband came home.

And I am not alone anymore.

Which makes me ache for women who live the life that nearly leveled me.

I have a new respect for women who raise children alone because NOW I know that it doesn't matter who pitches in every now and then.

If you don't have a partner then you carry the heaviest burden in the world on your back.

There is no relief great enough. There is no REAL rest.

You, alone, are responsible for the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual well-being of another human being.

And that is scary enough when someone else is in it with you.

If you are a single mom... or even a mom who might as well be single because you are doing everything on your own (I've been there too)... then know that right now, as I type this, I am lifting a plea to Jesus for help for you.

My hope is that you will be Divinely sustained through the hardest parts and sweetly comforted through the restful places.

My prayer is that you will be so connected to the Presence of God that your heart will find it's only home in Him.

I am praying blessings over your children and your home; blessings over your sleep and whatever time you find to be alone; blessings over your relationships; blessings over your mind and sanity; blessings over your need for a LIFE; blessings over you.

My firm, heartfelt belief is that God has created community to protect us, to strengthen us and to ignite hope in us.

May your community be a source of peace and strength for you; may they jump in to help you without being asked; may they pray for you and with you; may they encourage you and may you encourage them.

Pure grace and nothing but grace to you...

Creation

I planted things today. I held rich, dark, beautiful earth in my hands and i got DIRTY.

I sprinkled tiny, miraculous seeds into the soft, imperfect rows of soil.

I felt more alive, while connecting to the earth and the process of sustaining growth, than I have in a long, long time.

Afterwards, the world seemed brighter, I felt more centered, and hope felt like a real and tangible object.

It might seem like I am putting too much beauty into something as simple as digging in the dirt and scattering some seeds around.

I challenge you to do it.

Wake up early.

Turn the soil.

Fertilize the soil.

Make rows in the soft dirt.

Cup a handful of colorful seeds.

Sprinkle them, all the while knowing exactly what will spring out of those little miracles.

Cover the seed with dirt.

Water the seeds.

Step back.

Breathe the still and fresh air.

Feel the sun and the breeze on your skin.

And know that you have taken part in something Divine.

Growth.

Creation.

Life.

And then observe the world.

See the vastness of the sky;

The depth of humanity;

Feel the ground beneath your feet;

The hope that pulsates in every human heart.

Taste the flavor of food;

The sweetness of love on your lips.

Hear Creation chirping and buzzing and blowing past you;

The sounds of interaction and longing between men and women everywhere.

Something spiritual comes to life in us when we reconnect with God's vibrant creation.

Something cold and dreary snaps in half when we are reminded of Who created us and what he created us from.

What a miracle that God made the earth capable of sustaining and nourishing us!

What a gift that we can take part in it!

As a WOMAN, I can clearly say that I am completely in awe of my Creator.

I am so moved by the greatness of His creation.

Spending an hour and a half in a garden - not even my OWN garden - was such a spiritual encounter.

I am so grateful that God has made everything around us for the purpose of communicating life to us.

So, here is the question....

How have you heard God? Where have you encountered Him?

Movies? Books? Music? Friends? Gardens? Somewhere unexpected and strange?

God is ALWAYS communicating to us. His word is alive and active. He is speaking, moving, creating.

Are we listening? Are we watching? Are we noticing?

I am so aware of how often I miss it....

The God Who Sustains Me

we breathe in
and choke on the words
caught in our throats

we bleed out
and watch our energy drip away

there is more than enough
to inspire love in our dull minds
yet here we are
staring blankly at each other

we are stirring up a whirlwind

we are breaking apart

we are gasping for air

we are teetering on the edge

and the edge is calling

so grab my heart

and pull me back

wipe the wind from my eyes
and my tears from the air

catch me or i'll fly

and the beauty will be lost

the bridge will snap

we will fall asleep
and forget to dream

we are pretending
to not notice

so, notice

and i promise

i wont leave the ground

I can't even tell you how many times I have felt the ground sagging and splintering beneath me. My marriage has been rolling around on a frail foundation since day one.

Clearly, we were imperfect human beings drawn to one another and desperate to belong somewhere. We were filled with love for one another and beautiful ideas of what marriage would look like.

We talked endlessly.

We planned relentlessly.

We even prayed with a determined singleness of heart!

We were SO unprepared.

We had a very unique beginning.

Our story is dramatic and powerful. It is moving and crushing at the same time.

He was my best friend for 6 years. I loved him deeply... passionately... completely. But not romantically.

I witnessed every crush, every relationship... even his engagement (and the devastating ENDING of his engagement) to another woman. We worked at the same job in highschool. We worked in the same ministries. We prayed. We climbed mountains. We made promises.

He watched my heart weaving in and out of abusive relationships. He held me when I cried. He ate dinner at my house more often than not. He rode around in my very old lincoln towncar with me. He listened to my secrets and my fears. He stood like a faithful sentry at my bed in the ER. He slept on my floor the night after I tried to kill myself.

He became a part of my family. He was as familiar and as faithful as my own brothers.

But it wasn't until he was crushed, hopeless and broken that I truly saw him.

My heart still jumps at the memory of who he was.

I clearly remember the strangeness... even the sweetness... of being so drawn to him.

I had never felt so alive. I had never felt so full of adventure and strength.

And I had never had so much to lose.

Somehow we entered into marriage with the idea that ministry was immensely important. We jumped right in. He took a job as a youth pastor for a new church. We moved 30 minutes away from everyone we knew.

Let's throw in hormones. I was pregnant. Insanely pregnant.

The kind of pregnant that makes grown men shudder.

I yelled. I cried. I locked doors. I came up with arguments that still confuse me. I slept anywhere but in my own bed. I didn't want to be touched for almost my entire pregnancy.

I was home alone all day, in a very bad part of town, cleaning, doing laundry, watching tv and crying.

I didn't see my family... or my friends. I didn't even really talk on the phone.

All this time I felt so much pressure to "be" something. My husband was the youth pastor. He poured his life into these kids... and still worked his full time job.

I was drowning. And I had no way of voicing it.

When my daughter was born I crawled into my little cave, with my little baby, and slammed the door shut.

There were times when I attempted to be the "wife" I was supposed to be, but, mostly, I just wanted to be left alone.

The more time that passed, the more I lost control.

I was constantly aware of how invisible I was to my husband. I spent almost all of my time obsessing over my home or my daughter.

I became fearful.

At night I would check the locks and the windows 3-4 times; I would pray the same prayers over and over again - word for word.

I got up to check on Aravis throughout the night.

I don't think I slept through the night for an entire year.

I hated myself.

I hated my life.

I cried constantly.

And I felt guilty for it.

Weren't we doing what we were supposed to be doing? Wasn't this what EVERYONE ELSE was doing?

How come I was the only one hating it?

One day he came home and I said the most honest thing I have ever said.

"I hate you."

He didn't even seem surprised.

I told him to quit one of his jobs or I would leave him.

He did.

Mercifully, it was the ministry job.

And then we moved our little family into my parent's house for a year and a half with a clear calling from God...

No ministry for at least a year. Nothing. Our family was our ministry.

To be honest, we didn't even go to church for about 7 months. And even after that, it was maybe once a month.

It felt GOOD. Really, really good.

I am so aware that our friends thought we had lost our minds. They didn't approve. Why would they? Isn't "ministry" what it is all about?

We learned a new kind of ministry. One that filled us, instead of draining us. One that encouraged us, instead of ripping us apart. One that, biblically, made a whole lot of sense.

We lived life. We made every effort to love God and to love people. And we never, ever put a ministry, a church, or even another person before each other. We played with our daughter. We talked. We connected... probably for the first time in our marriage.

It was a very sweet season. It was a short season.

IN that season, God encouraged me. He built up a mountain of hope and love in me.

And when life came crashing to a halt again, I could hear his faithful whisper, "I WILL sustain you."

We are daily recovering from sin and flesh. We are almost always battling to stay married. We are confronted with truth and selfishness everyday.

There are times when my feet want to leave the ground; I am so wounded and afraid, that I just want to fall off the edge of our marriage and see what happens.

There are times when I am invisible, desperate, ignored.

There are times when I am left questioning who this man is. Who did I marry?

In THOSE times, I lean on the firm, clear whisper that has kept me from imploding.

"I WILL sustain you."

"I WILL sustain you."

There are also times when I remember why I married my husband.

There are times when I feel alive and noticed.

There are times when I feel free from the weight of my fear and insecurity.

There are times when I feel connected and full of hope.

In THOSE times I am certain that I can clearly see the fulfillment of that promise.

God HAS sustained me. God HAS come into the tangled mess of my marriage and begun the slow work of bringing order and life to the chaos that we, as tired human beings, have unknowingly created.

Isn't that hope?

Expectation that something miraculous will bloom out of the dirty and selfish mess we have made.

The Universal Question

I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. She is intelligent, sensitive and so smart. She is truly a beautiful human being.

Sometimes I happen to see her face when she is rejected or ignored.

I watch her face fall.

I watch her heart sink.

I watch a piece of her fade away.

And I'm not talking about a major rejection here.

I am talking about someone simply not hearing her or acknowledging her.

It is a serious blow to a 3 1/2 year old.

The same question echos in her heart that echos in mine: "Who am I? Am I good enough? Am I TOO much?"

Sometimes she will say, "I need someone to hold me really bad!"

When I am connected enough to see it, I am struck by how universal that statement is!

Aren't we all crying out with the same little, fragile heart?!

Aren't we all saying, "PLEASE someone acknowledge me! PLEASE someone affirm me! PLEASE someone tell me that I am wanted!"?

I remember the first time I put my daughter in the nursery at church.

It took me MONTHS to get up the courage to leave her with someone else, but I finally forced myself to try it.

In the middle of the service I went to check on her.

I peeked around the corner only to see my daughter sitting, alone, in a walker, in the corner of the room.

The woman watching the kids had all of the other children on the opposite side of the room, with her back turned to my daughter.

My little one sat straining her little head, trying to see what everyone else was doing.

My heart raged. I took her out.

(I DID put her in the nursery again, eventually, in case you are wondering).

Don't you think that God sees us, alone in the corner? Don't you think that He sees when everyone else has their backs turned to us? Don't you think that he sees when we are forgotten? Neglected? Alone?

And don't you think that God is (as a protective parent would be) MOVING to rescue us?

It might seem like a long, long time until we see him coming. We might not even realize that he DOES, in fact, see us!

He hears our cry. He reads the hidden words of our hearts. He knows when we are too tired to lift up our heads. He knows when we are too lonely to utter a sound. He knows when we are left alone in the corner of the room.

And he hears us when we, out of our deep questioning, say, "I need someone to hold me."

We may be older, wiser, more aware... but we are all still human. We are as human as my daughter.

The question is in us from day one.

"Who am I? Am I good enough? Am I too much?"

And the answer has been speeding towards us before we could even learn to form a thought.

"I see you. I hear you. I am coming to rescue you."