Just Because I Need To Process...

We are broken.

We are bleeding out of tiny cracks in our skin.

We are constantly breathing in the smoke of this fiery mess.

We are burdened.

And the burden is stronger than the fear that surrounds us.

We are standing, backs to the hurricane, guarding this tiny flicker of hope.

We are not who we used to be.

We are not who we want to be.

We keep one eye on the sky... looking for a sign.

We keep our arms crossed and our hearts buried.

We strike out.

And the bruises will never fade.

We shake under the weight of ugly expectation.

We stare dumbly at the words on the page.

We are just so human...

So frail...

So lost.

We can never scrub away the stains of betrayal... of rejection.

We keep hoping that change will carry us to a new place.

We keep forming silent words.

And the screaming of our hearts will not be stilled.

There is chaos in every breath.

There is aching in every step.

There is emptiness in every kiss.

And we rise crushed and bruised on tattered wings.

We turn tear swollen eyes to the hills of mercy, searching for help.

We make feeble attempts at wholeness, all the while holding up our shattered love with weary fingers.

We came to the end so long ago.

This road is new.

We are setting our feet on ground that we never thought existed.

I can look back and see where our hearts went separate ways.

But mercy.... mercy....

mercy....

And somehow we are still stumbling into the God Who Sustains Us.

Free

If I were a free woman I would fill my heart with beauty and move unrestrained.

I would engage in a whirlwind of strength, opening my heart to new horizons and expectations.

I would get in my car and drive until I couldn't find myself.

I would set aside my fear and my inhibitions and I would attempt flight.

I would collapse every night, gloriously tired from every act of courage.

I would run and when I ran out of breath, I would push a little further.

I would open new doors and bravely step through to the other side.

I would love like I had never been betrayed.

I would hope like I had never been disappointed.

I would crash into inspiration and let it wash over me.

I would write until my heart was empty.

I would whisper beautiful, undeniable truths to my children.

I would expect the future to be deep and full.

I would place the immense weight of my soul on the Hero of Life.

I would encourage my children to adventure.

I would encourage my husband to breath deep and take in the cool bravery of living life on this earth.

I would plant and watch things grow.

I would wake up every morning with gratitude for the sun spilling in through my window.

I would sit outside and watch my children play and laugh.

I would cry without shame.

I would embrace my freedom.

If I were a free woman...

I would live like I were free.

Rest

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it."
Isaiah 30:15

This is what happens: I get moving. I DO things. I sweep the floors, I wash the dishes (since I don't have a dishwasher), I change diapers, I make meals, I make bottles, I make beds, I vacuum carpets, I water plants, I do laundry, I dust, I clean bathrooms, I pick up toys, I enforce nap times (with children who think they shouldn't HAVE to sleep... EVER), I teach yoga, I run errands, I drop off and pick up from school.

I DO.

And I never rest.

Partly because, like I said, my children don't rest.

Partly because I don't know how to anymore.

Which leads me to days like yesterday... and today...

I am worn thin.

I can feel my strength crumbling.

I can sense my patience washing away.

I really just want to stay in bed all day.

Does anyone REALLY do that anymore?

My brother does... at least he stays in bed till 2pm some days.

But do parents ever really rest?

Isaiah was talking about ME.

If I would stop, turn around and rest I would be saved.

If I would be quiet and trust that God knows exactly what I need I would find strength.

But I would have none of it.

I haven't stopped and stilled myself before God.

I haven't even searched for rest!

I've been complaining that I am drowning, yet pushing away the life raft!

I've been whining that this isn't fair...

I've been very self absorbed.

And it's only now, that I am SO lost and tired, that I am remembering that I don't HAVE to reach this point.

So today this is my goal:

To turn my heart back towards Jesus.

To rest.

To be quiet.

And to trust.

Salvation...

Strength...

The Invisible Woman

Have you ever felt completely invisible?

Have you ever felt overlooked?

Have you ever been set aside for the sake of "ministry"?

I couldn't even COUNT the times that I have been invisible, overlooked and placed on the altar of ministry.

But I CAN tell you the first time it happened.

We had been married for 2 months.... 2 stressful months I might add.

Joe was asked to take a group of kids to Spirit West Coast in San Diego and we thought that it would be FUN.

So, we got to the church and the kids started showing up.

As the crowd got larger, I got smaller.

I think he would have left without me if I hadn't been paying attention.

Literally, I ceased to exist.

As the van pulled out of the church parking lot, I felt my heart sink.

By the time we were on the freeway I was crying.

Quietly.

He didn't see me.

He didn't acknowledge me.

I'm not sure why I was even there.

The entire trip went this way.

If I told the girls they couldn't do something, he told them they could.

When it was time to go to the event he just disappeared with a group of kids.

When I told the kids not to swim at a beach with a sign posted warning people NOT to swim there because the water was contaminated with human waste, he said, "sure! jump in!"

Two kids got sick.

He didn't even notice when another guy leader (in a completely non-creepy way) saw that I was feeling abandoned and alone and offered to take our groups together to the next event.

Seriously. Another guy was cleaning up his mess and he didn't even blink an eye.

I could have disappeared for an entire day and he wouldn't have noticed.

This became the foundation for our marriage.

Ministry first.

Sacrifice .... for what?

I had never felt so alone and insignificant.

After that it just kept happening.

All of this leads to last night.

We were at LifePartners and Travis asked Joe to do something that seems kind of small. He asked him to just check in with me; make eye contact; make sure I can read his spirit.

While Travis was just saying the words my heart was groaning under the weight I've carried for 5 years.

The weight of being invisible.

The weight of being too much and not enough at the same time.

And then, after class, Joe actually DID it.

He found me outside, made eye contact with me and told me he was checking on me.

It was probably the first time in years that I KNEW he was seeing me; that I wasn't overlooked.

It was so small, but my heart jumped.

Like I said before, women have souls of glass.

We are MADE to be known and loved.

We come alive when we are noticed and appreciated.

Our lifeless hearts can be resurrected by continual acknowledgement.

It is SO simple, yet rarely attempted.

Unbreakable

In my short lifetime I have seen countless women abused in a slow, "acceptable" way.

Women as a whole are laughed at, brushed aside, considered "too emotional" and therefore, women are insignificant.

Some women are married to men who humiliate them in public by putting them in their place the moment they open their mouths.

Some women have only dated angry, aggressive and arrogant men because those men are FAMILIAR and they don't know any other way.

Some women spend their entire married lives with someone who has no interest in really knowing them at all.

Some women are told (and so believe) that their "job" is to serve their husbands; to make sure they are content and loved and relaxed.

These are lives of desperation.

Because women are beautifully fragile.

Women are born with a passion for beauty, for intimacy, and for creation.

Clearly, women don't all think the same, or look the same, or have the same dreams.

But ALL women have a soul of glass.

Women exist to be radiantly known.

Women are fulfilled when the contents of their inner beings are seen and loved.

Women are healed when they are allowed to live free and safe, without fear of being rejected when their hearts are exposed.

I don't mean to make it sound like women are weak. Women are anything BUT weak.

Every woman I have EVER known has an intense amount of strength and endurance. I think that women can bear up under the weight of rejection with more strength and dignity than any man.

Women are resilient.

I realize that I am writing this as if every woman in the world fits neatly into this little box that I've created.

But that's not my point at all!

Women are built with a common heart, something that connects us all. As a whole, we are somehow all the same.

We are wonderfully different, making up a beautiful field of growth and creation. But we are all in the same field.

If you're wondering, this IS personal for me.

I AM one of those women.

I have spent my heart on men who tossed me aside when I got too complicated.

I have dated abusive men.

I have dated cold and distant men.

I have been condescended to.

I have been shut down.

I have been lied to.

I have been despised, just for being a woman.

And, although my husband is NOT one of those men, I have suffered in my marriage.

I have been ignored.

I have been treated like I am invisible and irritating.

I have been cheated on.

I have been lied to.

I have been crushed by the expectation that I should just move on... get past "it".

I have been left alone, wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

I have spent hours... weeks... counting every single flaw in me.

I have listened to apologies that never actually take root.

I have been blamed for things I had nothing to do with.

Really.... tonight I am just sitting here so aware of how fragile I am.

And how beautiful that is.

Because as delicate and transparent my soul is, no one has shattered it.

I have put everything I have in front of people who have kicked it aside over and over and over again.

I'm still intact.

Were they right?

Never.

But do they define me?

Never.

I watched Rob Bell's video Everything Is Spiritual today and something in it reminded me that I am not really invisible, misunderstood and rejected.

Because God... who cannot even be DEFINED or KNOWN... has made me so fragile and delicate and different because he LIKES things that way.

HE connects to the core of me.

He wraps himself around my glass soul and he makes me unbreakable.