Lazy Saturday.....

I'm itching to do something creative....

I haven't done very much today and, although I am trying to rest because I have a cold, I just want to clean and photograph and write.

The house is completely trashed (you try living with 2 children, 3 dogs, and two grown men - not including my brother and mama who are in china right now). I should be cleaning it.... I WANT to be cleaning it....

But instead I'm staring out the window at the gray sky. I wish it would pour rain.

I would grab my camera, load my babies up in the car, and chase the storm.

We get so little rain this time of year... it seems like the most interesting thing in the world right now.

It's not even sprinkling yet...

I guess I'll settle for a lazy Saturday in my messy house....

Rainstorm

We live in a desert.

A for real, oppressively hot desert.

During the summer months we anxiously wait for monsoon season.

Monsoons are wild and beautiful - rain and thunder and wind breaking apart the heat that drives us mad all summer long.

When it rains in the summer we grab the puppies and our flip flops and race out into the cul-de-sac.

My kids and my dogs are equally excited and giddy - they race around in the abnormally cloudy weather and play games in the puddles.

This was the first time it rained at our house this summer and it was GLORIOUS. If only it would last longer :)

Is there anything more powerful than a rainstorm in the middle of summer?

Today

Today Judah loves vegan chocolate smoothies and fresh juice.

Today Aravis loves pretending to talk on a cell phone - while asking for "org-A-nic, not cake."

Today Judah has decided that he has an invisible owie on his knee - which requires his mama to carry him everywhere.

Today Aravis has a band-aid on a very real goose egg on her forehead.

Today Judah loves Spongebob the most and Spiderman second.

Today Aravis is learning to be kind to her brother even when she wants to be mean.

Today both Aravis and Judah are having vegetable sandwiches for lunch and taking a long nap.

Today Mama did yoga at the gym and has great plans to vacuum, catch up on laundry and edit photos.

Today we are all trying to learn to just be in TODAY.

All the terribly ordinary things we are doing today are shaping who we are ...

And it's so hard to take the time to experience the individual moments that are so important.

So our real test today is finding the time to enjoy what we are doing... whatever it is :)

Photo Contest

I've entered a photo contest on shutterfly.com....

If you're feeling generous I would LOVE your vote! There are two photos (so two different links).

Check them out if you're interested!

LOVE.

Photo #1
http://contest.shutterfly.com/contests/showentry/347476

Photo #2
http://contest.shutterfly.com/contests/showentry/347495

Aslan

I've been wrestling with faith lately. Really, I've been trying to understand who I am when God is silent.

When the air around me is thick with emptiness, with a quiet void, how do I cling to the message of Love?

And this is new for me. I can't remember a single time in my life when God was not readily available to me.

At first I thought I was mad at God.... because I was confused.

But then I realized that it wasn't anger I was feeling...

It was disbelief.

But, when I step back to observe my life, I am aware that the most real thing I have encountered - more real than my attempt at suicide, more real than marrying my husband, more real than giving birth to my children - is Presence. I have truly, deeply, profoundly experienced Presence.

When I was laboring with Aravis I kept my eyes closed almost the entire time - I was so very very focused and deliberate. But, like every woman, I certainly reached transition with the same breathless fear. I started to doubt - questioning my ability to DO this. I was completely drug free during her birth and the contractions were overwhelmingly powerful.

I assumed a male nurse had come in the room and was standing behind me (Joe and my brother Alec had been the only men in the room) because, right when I started to sink, a man started to say, "You can do this, Stephanie. You are doing an amazing job. Just keep breathing. Just keep going."

But there wasn't another man in the room. Only Joe and Alec - whose voices I knew well. This was a new voice. A voice that gave me strength in my weak moment.

There are countless moments like this in my past.

And yet, here I stand in the silence and it is enough to make me doubt.

What I've begun to see is that I don't doubt JESUS himself.

I doubt the Jesus we have created - this white, pious, overly edited MAN.

I don't even understand why we call him JESUS.

Because he called himself Yeshua.

I don't know where he is leading me. I don't know why I am faltering so drastically in my faith - wrestling through this dark night like Jacob.

But I do know that the God of my life has never led me the wrong way. He's led me through dark ways, long ways, scorchingly hot ways. He's led me through seasons of sadness and sorrow. He's led me through seasons of uprooting and tearing down. And there have always been small seasons of rest and healing to break up the deserts.

But this time he has chosen a way that is foreign and terrifying.

He's led me to a dark cliff and he's stopped talking. He seems to want me to climb a mountain that I cannot see.

My own experience has told me this - he will be the Aslan to my Shasta. He will silently travel between me and the cliff's edge. He won't say a word, but he also won't won't rest until the sun rises for me.

For Josh....

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh


The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need 'em oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls

-If I Die Young by The Band Perry

What Does It Mean To Die?

Someone I know is dying. I've been thinking a lot the last few days about what that means... the trembling release of everything that you have EVER known and loved... the uncertain moment of slipping away from what has always seemed so firm and real... the unspeakable grief of the ones who have loved you and known you... the coherent moments fading into hazy and lost moments.

What does it mean to die?

What does it mean to move from this life into the unknown?

I keep coming back to Brennan Manning. He says that, when we die, we will see the outstretched arms of Jesus and hear him say these words...

"Get up, my true love, my beautiful one, and come with me. Look! The winter is past. The rain is over and gone. Blossoms appear in the land. The time of the songbird has arrived. The cooing of the mourning dove is heard in our land. The green figs ripen. The grapevines bloom and give off a fragrance. Get up, my true love, my beautiful one, and come with me."

One version says, "Come away with me my love, my lovely one, come..."

The idea of this makes death seem almost sweet.

Most of my life has been one difficult season after another. Glorious pain and sorrow. I wouldn't trade a second of my depression or loneliness. I wouldn't change the circumstances that have shaped me. But they have been deeply sad.

I like to think that, when we fade away from this space where we have lived and loved, we are immediately met by the figure of the Holiest Conqueror - his arms flung wide in expectation...

I want to hear him say, "Come away with me, my love. My lovely one, come. The winter is over and gone. A new season of blooming, fresh, glorious joy is waiting for you. Come with me!"

I am praying for this vision to soothe the hearts of his grieving family. I am praying for these sad, sad moments that stretch between now and when he hears the voice of the King.

I am praying for the years of remembering and mourning that stretch out before them.

Because the sorrow isn't for the dying, but for the living.

Those of us who have lost and are left to hunger for the sound of our loved one's voice, the touch of their fingertips, the scent of their presence.

For us, the winter stretches on a little longer.

May we see Jesus, here in the rainy seasons of our lives, arms opened wide...

Hope of what we are journeying towards...

Whatever Is Ahead

I don't want to live extravagantly or selfishly.

I just want a life of peace .... freedom.

I want to float in a cool pool and watch soft clouds slip past me.

I want to eat fresh and satisfying food all day long.

I want to play with my kids in perfect weather.

I want to lay in the grass during a rainstorm, face to the sky, just to feel the massive weight of heavy rain all around me.

I want to photograph strange and beautiful things, knowing that they aren't mine to hold or keep - only perfect moments of heaven slipping through the veil of life.

I want to love so deeply it consumes me.

And I want to be loved so deeply it heals me.

I want to hike mountains and soak in oceans.

I want to touch unfamiliar faces and feel as if I've known and loved them forever.

I want to have that dreamlike sensation of flying over unending fields of long grass and fragrant flowers.

I want to listen to the kind of music that penetrates my soul and lifts me up over the weighted feeling of uncertainty.

I want to gently walk over pieces of earth that are somehow holier than others, imagining the ancient feet of God pressing into that same earth- imprinting it forever.

I wonder if, when I enter eternity - soft and full like a perfect, complete returning to what is right and whole - I will still want these things.

Maybe they will become simple, shadowy memories of a life almost forgotten.

Or maybe they will be fulfilled in every breathtaking second of real life.

Maybe, even now, my unbound soul is experiencing what is ahead of us all and is joyfully bleeding a purposeful hope into my frail heart.

My Little Yogi

While doing yoga with Judah this morning I was so impressed with his seated staff position - he lowered his head all the way between his knees.

I told him that I should take a picture of his sweet yoga moves. To which he replied, "Eck Ass". It took me a moment.... "Oh! Heck Yes?!" He nodded his little head, "Eck Ass!"

Judah the Sage

Last night I was reading the Jesus Storybook Bible to my kids at bedtime. We read the story of Joseph and his brothers. I explained to Judah, excitedly, that one of Jacob's sons was named JUDAH! And one was named JOSEPH! And one was named LEVI!

Judah leaned his little mohawked head towards me, opened his eyes as wide as they would go and proclaimed, "And one was named MOMMY!"

Judah is genuine joy.

I've actually been really sad lately. As I process through this pregnancy I am so aware of how lonely I am. For a brief period of time I had felt so wrapped up in community - I was blissfully aware of how life was MEANT to be lived. People taking care of other people, big community dinners, kids growing up together, the constant presence of people you trust and love.

I've been wrestling with God over the past three months. This is the first time in my entire life that I have felt NOTHING. Nothing but silence and emptiness. I don't think it's possible for God to truly step away from a human being. God is in everything, holding everything together. Without him we cease to exist. But, for whatever reason, God is silent right now.

And it makes me feel empty and alone. In a lot of ways I feel the same way with my husband. He is healthier than ever before, he is helpful and working very, very hard. But I still feel invisible. He's doing his JOB... but does he DO for me because he loves me or because he must? Has God included me in life because he loves me or because I am just one of the many humans he's rescued.

It might sound silly... but I am deeply tangled up in this messy pit of God's silence. I don't understand it and I don't like it.

Recently I've seen another layer to this empty, lonely place I'm in. We don't have community. We have people who would walk over fire for us, and vice versa, but we don't have people we are LIVING life with.

I am aching for the everyday, deep connections that have slipped away from us. It seems like everything has gone silent all at once. God has stopped speaking and people have grown distant.

I'm not even sure exactly what happened.

All this to say, I've been sad lately....

And, although I HATE sitting in 110 degree heat while watching Aravis' awesome swim lessons, I have found some joy in swimming with my kids this summer. We've been jumping into any pool we can get our hands on and I am SO thankful for the cool water and happy faces on my babies.

If nothing else, there is some peace in spending real time with my kids. I spent my entire first trimester holed up in bed, sicker than I've ever been before and it's kind of nice to soak up some vitamin d while helping judah "swim" around the pool.

I'm so proud of how well Aravis is swimming. In two short weeks she has mastered the freestyle (and fiercely attempted the backstroke :)). The pool is our friend this summer.

Maybe something as simple as the pool is even God NOT being as silent as I think he is. Cause, can there even BE joy without Jesus?




Aravis swimming










Judah swimming back and forth :)











Judah and his super fun daddy










My cute boy










Aravis on her first day of swim lessons