Mama

For years my marriage was painful and disjointed. I was a wreck - tired and overwhelmed. I was emotionally starving and, literally, living in survival mode.

I have loved my children in every single moment of sorrow.... but I haven’t enjoyed them.

I had to learn to show love and affection even when I was completely empty.

I had to learn to place their needs over my intense sense of being lost.

I had to make sure THEY survived, even if I was drowning.

And then came the breaking point; the moment when I stopped shouldering my marriage and just let it fall.

Sweet, excruciating freedom.

When Joe moved out there was nothing left for me to do - my kids crumbled.

Thank God for my faithful friends that helped shoulder the immense weight of keeping my kids afloat.

It was the most painful moment of being a mama. Watching my little girl cry because daddy wasn’t here.... ah, Jesus....

But I have been watching God heal that wound - even the wounds I didn’t really know were there.

We are just starting our second year of Life Partners and, already, I am being broken open and put back together.

I hadn’t realized how altered my relationship with Aravis had been. Ever since I got pregnant with Judah I stopped having the emotional capacity to connect with her in the way I had before.

I was exhausted and rejected. I was carrying everything. And, somewhere along the way, I stopped being able to be anything more than a broken shell of a mama.

My sweet girl has been carrying more than a four year old should ever be expected to carry. And it breaks my heart.

Here is where the Rescuer comes in.

God is healing me; putting the pieces where they go.

And for the first time in YEARS I am enjoying every moment of being a mama.

As I experience the affection of God for me, I am experiencing a holy affection for my babies.

The things that I was merely surviving before have become the things that I love.

I have such joy in my children; in their laughter and games, in their bumps and cuddles.... every moment of mommyhood is filled with joy and love.

I am overcome with gratitude and awe. This Rescuer is healing the most tender and necessary parts of my heart.

The inner spaces in me that had once been battered and weary are coming alive again.

And I didn’t even know to ASK for this.

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust-- there may yet be hope. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men. “
-Lamentations

Affection

This is probably the first time in my life that I have felt the AFFECTION of God over me.

I’ve felt His love.... His commitment to me.

I’ve experienced His provision and His constant, sustaining presence.

I’ve been wrapped up in His faithfulness.

I’ve even learned to trust His goodness in the midst of personal hell.

But THIS is more.

This is a bubbling over kind of joy.

This is the oh-so-fabulous sense of falling back into glorious, unrestrained beauty.

Because, for whatever reason, I am 100% convinced that God LIKES me.

When I am selfish, lazy, fleshy and narrow minded, He still likes me.

When I watch too much TV and isolate from the world around me, He still likes me.

When I react stupidly and out of insecurity, He still likes me.

Have you heard Kim Walker’s song, “How He Loves Us”?

Alisa and I can’t help but picture a frosty ale glass in hand, sloshing frothy goodness as we swing our arms back and forth and sing, “Oooooh how He loves us. He loves us. Oooooh how He looooooves us...”

It seems silly and we laugh about it as we remind each other that all of life’s weird and painful circumstances can be faced with the joy of our exuberant swinging and singing.

Aaahh, but I am really, truly soaking in the affection of God. The splashing beer and wild Jesus bar song are vivid reflections of the joy I feel in knowing that I am liked.

For whatever reason (and I will never begin to understand it), I am thoroughly and unwaveringly liked by the King of Heaven.

“Oooooh how He loves us. He loves us. Oooooh how He loooooves us....”

Be Free

Be free.

I am having to read my left wrist a lot these days.

It’s a good thing it’s permanently etched into my skin.

I’ve already committed to it. Now I have to follow through on it.

Freedom.

The free life.

Today the free life means a peaceful life.

It mostly means the kind of peace you find in the very center of a storm.

It’s like being inside, next to a warm, crackling fire, while the storm beats down on the solid roof above you and against the watertight walls around you.

This kind of peace is a sense that, although something powerful and out of your control is happening right then and there, you are untouched and fiercely guarded.

I am going to have to CHOOSE peace. I am going to have to choose to be free.

And it is really hard. Mostly because I just want to lay in bed and watch reruns of The Office until the storm passes. I want to cry. I want to clean every corner and baseboard in my house. I want to run a marathon. I want to climb a mountain and stay there.

I want to do anything but deal with it. I’m tired of dealing with it. And, at this point, I’m standing outside getting soaked by the storm.

So, really, I’ve got to make the choice to go back inside and shut the door; to let the storm be what it is.

When this is all over will I walk away with freedom or with bondage?

Will I choose to be what is expected of me, or what I am called to be?

Be free.

New Spaces

I am in love with country music.

I love the imagery. I love the idea of wheat fields and old trucks; long front porches and strawberry wine; cowboys with dirt under their fingernails and thunderstorms on the horizon.

It’s an ideal life for me. It’s how I picture heaven.

And today I am sitting here listening to Wide Open Spaces. I’m contemplating the transformation that has taken place in my life over the last 20 something years.

Maybe there is a deeper reason for my love of all things country.

If you ask me what I want in life I could only say that I want a free life. Nothing less.

So all these images of wide open spaces, lazy summer nights on a front porch and laying on a truck bed looking at the stars are somehow my “intention”.

They are set in my mind, in my heart...

When I think of a free life, I think of a space without limits; an open and airy space.

Warm sunlight.

Trees swaying in the breeze.

No rushing. No stress.

Freedom. Joy. Rest.

Of course I’m talking about the IDEAL of country life... the hope of eternity and the joy that comes with it.

But, today, with the windows open and with an internally clean feeling....

I feel new spaces stretching out in me.

I Need A Hero

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath.

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2:1-10

So, when I was researching for the content of the last day of Bible study for the Holy Yoga Retreat I stumbled onto this story.

Ah, how a good, fiery story can grip my heart!


"A pastor friend told me about the day a very disturbing telephone call came into the church office. A part-time staff member, who had been out in his neighborhood walking his dog, had been mugged, stabbed in the heart and rushed to the hospital, and was now in intensive care with virtually no prospect for survival. When the word spread among the church staff, they gathered spontaneously to pray. Standing around the communion table, each person prayed. My friend told me that he and the others offered sincere prayers, but mostly polite and mild petitions, prayers that spoke of comfort and hope and changed hearts, but prayers that had already faced the hard facts of almost certain death.

Then the custodian prayed. My friend reported that it was the most athletic prayer he had ever witnessed. The custodian wrestled with God, shouted at God, anguished with God. His finger jabbed the air and his body shook. "You’ve got to save him! You just can’t let him die!" he practically screamed at God. "You’ve done it many times, Lord! You’ve done it for others, you’ve done it for me, now I am begging you to do it again! Do it for him! Save him, Lord!"

"It was as if he grabbed God by the lapels and refused to turn God loose until God came with healing wings," my friend said. "When we heard that prayer, we just knew that God would indeed come to heal. In the face of that desperate cry for help, God would have been ashamed not to save the man’s life." And so it happened."
http://www.religion-online.org/showarticle.asp?title=3334

This leads me, with great joy, to a FIERCE Jesus. A passionate, energetic Warrior. A King who hears the CRY of the forsaken, the broken, and the lost and DOES something about it!

The Rescuer is someone comes to save us from danger, harm, or violence.

We're talking about a hero here.

This IS a King. This is THE Warrior. This is a scene from a movie.

This is William Wallace (if you haven’t seen Braveheart, now is the time!). His only love is wronged and destroyed, so he rises up - he takes a stand against the enemy.

But THIS King does not sit up on his horse, off to the side, overseeing the battle. THIS King paints his face blue and stands on the front lines with his people. He gets dirty and he risks everything to win the freedom of the people he loves.

If you’ve seen Braveheart then you KNOW that the last scene is powerful and, yes, spiritual.

Unlike our Hero, William Wallace is killed and he does not come back from the dead. His story is simply a shadow - it invokes so much emotion in us because it is a mere reflection of an even greater story.

In WIlliam Wallace's story he refuses to bow to the King who is the inflictor of injustice and evil. He is sentenced to be tortured to death - humiliated and mutilated before he is finally beheaded. The Queen to be, who loves him, begs him to take a drug that will numb the pain - knowing that he is going to be tortured.

But WIlliam Wallace spits it out and goes to face his death with a clear head. Throughout his torture he is tempted by the man destroying him, "Just say you were wrong.... just swear allegiance to the King and it will all be over."

He offers him a quick death. All William Wallace needs to do is surrender the fight; give up the one he loves.

William turns his head and makes eye contact with a little boy. He sees a vision of his murdered wife, the very reason he started the fight, walking through the crowd. He sees his men, tears streaming down their faces.

And then William's last breath comes in a loud cry of "FREEDOM!"

The people who have gathered to watch are stunned and William's men stand in the midst of them and weep for their King.

It is the most moving scene I have ever seen. Ever.

It is moving because Jesus is in it. The story that shapes our lives is wrapped up in this true story of a King who fights and dies for freedom.

Our King, Jesus, does more. He comes back. And THAT is what makes him the Rescuer.

We love stories of heroes because a hero defies the odds; a hero does the impossible; a hero stands up to the darkest and strongest enemy and WINS.


If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.
romans 14:8&9

Death has been the enemy from day one. Death entered the world through sin - it created a deterioration of human life. The body can only live so long when separated from God.

Death is to mankind what the King of England was to Scotland.

It kept us from a free life; it violated and threatened us throughout every moment of our lives.

Who can rescue us?!

How can we ever be free?!

Ah, there is a Rescuer. And he has come.

Our Rescuer, OUR King, stood on the front lines, surrounded by the sea of humanity, painted with the colors of freedom. He spoke words of courage and hope into the hearts of every human being who placed their trust in him and then he raced into the battle.

Yes, he was killed. It seemed like the enemy had won.

Imagine the sick feeling Jesus' followers carried in the pits of their stomaches. They, like WIlliam Wallaces' men, watched the complete torture and mutilation of the man they had placed the value of their lives on. He was the bearer of their hope. They loved him. They heard that cry come from the depth of his soul "Forgive them! They don't know what they are doing!"

And then they watched him die.

The Rescuer. Dead.

And nothing else seemed to happen. He was dead. Buried. Hope had died with him.

It was all gone.

But OUR Rescuer did MORE. The battle wasn't over. It had only begun.

We may never know what truly happened when the Spirit of God left the body of Jesus on that cross.

But we DO know that the Spirit of God came back into that body. Jesus came back.

Our King did not fail.

And in coming back, he paved a way for us.

It's as if William Wallace had thrown off the chains that bound him, jumped off of that torture table and marched into the King of England's chambers and killed him then and there - taking the victory and declaring freedom for Scotland.

Our story is thrilling, impossible, glorious and earth shattering.

It would be so easy to place our hope in a man like William Wallace, but those men cannot ever do what Jesus has done.

No man can ever make us alive again. No man can ever defeat the strongest, most terrifying power we will ever stand against - the power of death.

But the Rescuer has.


You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:6-8

We NEED a Rescuer! that is the point of BEING rescued! it really is not about getting ourselves put together and figured out BEFORE we approach him.

In our everyday circumstances we NEED to approach him with our battles, our struggles, our fears and our hopelessness. We have to see our NEED for a rescuer in every moment.

He came for us WHILE WE WERE STILL SINNERS!

This IS the story of a KING who is fierce and powerful; standing on the very front lines of battle, painted in war paint, fighting for the freedom of his people.

This is the King who hears the cry of the lost and frightened. He has never stopped moving to free us...

Freedom....

Help

Jesus, send me something.

Anything.

My children are unreasonable and constant.

My very human nature is seeping through the cracks and I am TIRED.

We are on this amazing mountain top - hope and expectation are rooting themselves down all around us.

We are full and overflowing.

But, let me tell you, the wind is stronger up here. The sun is brighter. The fall is farther.

Just tonight, in this small moment, I am shaking.

I am trying to remember that, even here, you are praiseworthy.

There is something beautiful to be found here in my fragile moment.

So, listen to the wild beating of my heart and lead me into a restful breathing.

Draw me away with you into a complete withdrawal from what is so terribly frightening.

Teach me to trust my emotions to lead me to you. Teach me to trust that my emotions are not the problem.

If I stop fighting me I can start hearing You.

If I stop looking inward I can start looking upward.

If I stop fearing me I can start knowing You.

Aaaaaaah.

Just what I needed.

To step outside of me. To turn away from my anxiety and loneliness.

I feel better. Thanks.

Professional

When God moved Joe and I out of youth ministry we knew he was asking us to spend the next year focusing on our relationship with him and with each other. After YEARS of working on sundays and actually feeling like it was stripping us of community, fellowship and intimacy, we finally had the opportunity to sleep in on Sunday mornings. We spent our Sundays playing with our then two year old, hiking, watching movies together, and connecting. It was the most beautiful season of church we’ve ever had.

People hated it. People that we really respected shook their heads at us... they still do actually. :)

But it just didn’t matter. We were following God and we didn’t really care that it looked foolish to other people...

That decision set us on a long road towards freedom and healing in our marriage. To this day we do not regret a single missed Sunday morning at church.

Not long after that my husband’s pornography addiction came to light. I knew that I would never have freedom unless I knew every single detail. We stayed up till early in the morning for weeks and I asked him questions. It was painful and crushing. But it was also, yet another, road to freedom and healing. (side note: how merciful of God to have already asked us to learn to love each other...).

People we respected and loved adamantly urged us to NOT discuss the details. A few men insisted that “she doesn’t need to know.”

I know that their hearts were in the right place, and maybe, for someone else, that would have been the right advice.

But what would have happened if we had listened to them and not to God? Where would that have led us?

At some point in life we have to step out in faith; we have to consider the well meaning advice of people, and then follow God anyway.

This is one of those times.

Most people won’t understand why we are taking such a big, risky leap of faith. I don’t blame them.

But it reminds me to be aware of when I am judging people’s decisions and lives. I don’t know what God is speaking to them.

God’s ways are not our ways. He works in an eternal and mysterious way. We can either trust him and follow... knowing we look foolish to the people around us, or we can fall back in fear, letting worldly wisdom stunt us.

The last few days have put so much into perspective for me...

I am finding myself slowly having to release all of the comfort and expectation I have for this temporary life. 

This morning I was cleaning the bathroom and thinking of all the things I don’t want to let go of.

And then I realized, I will have MUCH better stuff in heaven.

I see these shadowy, wispy things that are so appealing... I act like they are the ultimate.

I forget that they will stay behind. They will crumble to dust (maybe not the disposable diapers and plastic bottles... :)).

But will I miss them? Will I long for them?

I can’t imagine even remembering them.

So, what am I clinging too? Why should I even hesitate when God leads us away from the normal and nailed down?

Yesterday we went hiking as a family. Hiking as in walking on a desert trail. Judah, although determined, is not quite ready for a real hike.

At some point I noticed that we were all flushed, hot and sweaty. We stopped for some water and then Joe did something unexpected. He broke the rules. He led us off the trail.

Now, I was trailing behind, trying to hold Judah’s hand (although I was rejected almost every time because he can DO THIS), and I was nervous. Here we are tramping around in the desert, far from the known path.

I watched my kids and our dog happily following their daddy. There was no doubt in their minds that they were safe and daddy knew the way. Aravis even announced, rather proudly, that “daddy is a protesticle” (amazing word for professional).

It wasn’t very long before we found ourselves on a new trail - headed back to the parking lot and the safety of our car. Daddy knew the way. He knew that those little legs were not going to make it all the way around to where the two trails met, and turning around is no fun, so daddy made a way. It was amazing.

Amazing because God is taking us off the trail. He knows that we would eventually get there anyway if we just kept trekking along, but we aren’t strong enough. So, he’s made a new way; he’s leading us into the desert and our job is to simply follow with a childlike expectancy. Our God is a professional.