For Josh....

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh


The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need 'em oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls

-If I Die Young by The Band Perry

What Does It Mean To Die?

Someone I know is dying. I've been thinking a lot the last few days about what that means... the trembling release of everything that you have EVER known and loved... the uncertain moment of slipping away from what has always seemed so firm and real... the unspeakable grief of the ones who have loved you and known you... the coherent moments fading into hazy and lost moments.

What does it mean to die?

What does it mean to move from this life into the unknown?

I keep coming back to Brennan Manning. He says that, when we die, we will see the outstretched arms of Jesus and hear him say these words...

"Get up, my true love, my beautiful one, and come with me. Look! The winter is past. The rain is over and gone. Blossoms appear in the land. The time of the songbird has arrived. The cooing of the mourning dove is heard in our land. The green figs ripen. The grapevines bloom and give off a fragrance. Get up, my true love, my beautiful one, and come with me."

One version says, "Come away with me my love, my lovely one, come..."

The idea of this makes death seem almost sweet.

Most of my life has been one difficult season after another. Glorious pain and sorrow. I wouldn't trade a second of my depression or loneliness. I wouldn't change the circumstances that have shaped me. But they have been deeply sad.

I like to think that, when we fade away from this space where we have lived and loved, we are immediately met by the figure of the Holiest Conqueror - his arms flung wide in expectation...

I want to hear him say, "Come away with me, my love. My lovely one, come. The winter is over and gone. A new season of blooming, fresh, glorious joy is waiting for you. Come with me!"

I am praying for this vision to soothe the hearts of his grieving family. I am praying for these sad, sad moments that stretch between now and when he hears the voice of the King.

I am praying for the years of remembering and mourning that stretch out before them.

Because the sorrow isn't for the dying, but for the living.

Those of us who have lost and are left to hunger for the sound of our loved one's voice, the touch of their fingertips, the scent of their presence.

For us, the winter stretches on a little longer.

May we see Jesus, here in the rainy seasons of our lives, arms opened wide...

Hope of what we are journeying towards...

Whatever Is Ahead

I don't want to live extravagantly or selfishly.

I just want a life of peace .... freedom.

I want to float in a cool pool and watch soft clouds slip past me.

I want to eat fresh and satisfying food all day long.

I want to play with my kids in perfect weather.

I want to lay in the grass during a rainstorm, face to the sky, just to feel the massive weight of heavy rain all around me.

I want to photograph strange and beautiful things, knowing that they aren't mine to hold or keep - only perfect moments of heaven slipping through the veil of life.

I want to love so deeply it consumes me.

And I want to be loved so deeply it heals me.

I want to hike mountains and soak in oceans.

I want to touch unfamiliar faces and feel as if I've known and loved them forever.

I want to have that dreamlike sensation of flying over unending fields of long grass and fragrant flowers.

I want to listen to the kind of music that penetrates my soul and lifts me up over the weighted feeling of uncertainty.

I want to gently walk over pieces of earth that are somehow holier than others, imagining the ancient feet of God pressing into that same earth- imprinting it forever.

I wonder if, when I enter eternity - soft and full like a perfect, complete returning to what is right and whole - I will still want these things.

Maybe they will become simple, shadowy memories of a life almost forgotten.

Or maybe they will be fulfilled in every breathtaking second of real life.

Maybe, even now, my unbound soul is experiencing what is ahead of us all and is joyfully bleeding a purposeful hope into my frail heart.

My Little Yogi

While doing yoga with Judah this morning I was so impressed with his seated staff position - he lowered his head all the way between his knees.

I told him that I should take a picture of his sweet yoga moves. To which he replied, "Eck Ass". It took me a moment.... "Oh! Heck Yes?!" He nodded his little head, "Eck Ass!"

Judah the Sage

Last night I was reading the Jesus Storybook Bible to my kids at bedtime. We read the story of Joseph and his brothers. I explained to Judah, excitedly, that one of Jacob's sons was named JUDAH! And one was named JOSEPH! And one was named LEVI!

Judah leaned his little mohawked head towards me, opened his eyes as wide as they would go and proclaimed, "And one was named MOMMY!"

Judah is genuine joy.

I've actually been really sad lately. As I process through this pregnancy I am so aware of how lonely I am. For a brief period of time I had felt so wrapped up in community - I was blissfully aware of how life was MEANT to be lived. People taking care of other people, big community dinners, kids growing up together, the constant presence of people you trust and love.

I've been wrestling with God over the past three months. This is the first time in my entire life that I have felt NOTHING. Nothing but silence and emptiness. I don't think it's possible for God to truly step away from a human being. God is in everything, holding everything together. Without him we cease to exist. But, for whatever reason, God is silent right now.

And it makes me feel empty and alone. In a lot of ways I feel the same way with my husband. He is healthier than ever before, he is helpful and working very, very hard. But I still feel invisible. He's doing his JOB... but does he DO for me because he loves me or because he must? Has God included me in life because he loves me or because I am just one of the many humans he's rescued.

It might sound silly... but I am deeply tangled up in this messy pit of God's silence. I don't understand it and I don't like it.

Recently I've seen another layer to this empty, lonely place I'm in. We don't have community. We have people who would walk over fire for us, and vice versa, but we don't have people we are LIVING life with.

I am aching for the everyday, deep connections that have slipped away from us. It seems like everything has gone silent all at once. God has stopped speaking and people have grown distant.

I'm not even sure exactly what happened.

All this to say, I've been sad lately....

And, although I HATE sitting in 110 degree heat while watching Aravis' awesome swim lessons, I have found some joy in swimming with my kids this summer. We've been jumping into any pool we can get our hands on and I am SO thankful for the cool water and happy faces on my babies.

If nothing else, there is some peace in spending real time with my kids. I spent my entire first trimester holed up in bed, sicker than I've ever been before and it's kind of nice to soak up some vitamin d while helping judah "swim" around the pool.

I'm so proud of how well Aravis is swimming. In two short weeks she has mastered the freestyle (and fiercely attempted the backstroke :)). The pool is our friend this summer.

Maybe something as simple as the pool is even God NOT being as silent as I think he is. Cause, can there even BE joy without Jesus?




Aravis swimming










Judah swimming back and forth :)











Judah and his super fun daddy










My cute boy










Aravis on her first day of swim lessons

My Man

"I'm drivin through a hurricane, and all he can say is 'Isn't it a nice day?'"
-Miranda Lambert

I just like that line. I GET that line. Not that it's true of my life right now, but it has been in the past. And it will be again someday.

That's just life. Sometimes your man is so connected. Sometimes he really notices you.

And sometimes he's oblivious to the deep sorrow that is so firmly embedded in your soul.

Sigh.

At THIS lovely point in time, my husband is a rockstar.

I have been a big, slobby mess. I'm 11 weeks pregnant today and I can tell you that the last 6 weeks have been miserable hell.

At the very beginning of my hated morning sickness I suffered at the flesh burning hands of the magic bullet food processor. I spent a good week in bed with horrible burns on my chest, arms and neck. It wasn't fun.

And then I was cramping and spotting for almost a week.

And all along the way I have been sick sick sick.

If not for my husband and his relentless, cheerful help I would be a depressed and unshowered heap on my bed.

He has been fabulous. He works his ass off - working during the day and making short trips to the grocery store and home again. He comes home at night, feeds and showers the kids (did I mention our two year old has a broken leg and has to have his cast wrapped before he takes a shower?) and then puts them to bed. He makes me food, he picks up my random cravings (more like whatever doesn't sound revolting), and then he tells me what a good job I'm doing.

He is unmatched.

I guess I'm listening to Miranda Lambert on repeat today cause it's NOT true of my life and that feels good.