The Choice Laid Before Us

Who may ascend the hill of the Lord?

Who may stand in His holy place?

He who has clean hands and a pure heart...

(Psalm 24)

For those of us who have been riding the "roller coaster" of life with a man who doesn't yet know who he is created to be, those three lines have to sound cold.

What does it take to make our way up to God's "holy place?"

What do we have to do to be clean enough, pure enough, FREE enough?

There doesn't seem to be a real answer.

It SEEMS like the only hope for Divine communion is to be "good", to follow the rules so that we are truly pure of heart.

So, we shrink back. We see the enormous mountain of what we will NEVER accomplish, or be, and we allow our frail hearts to cower in humilation.

Then what? Truly, we die.

Our hearts give out; our spirits grow weak.

We let out a tiny whisper... "it's too much."

That is, this is our response IF we are THAT woman.

We are NOT. :)

THIS is why...

The hebrew word used in this passage for "ascend" is ALAH.

Do you know what alah means?

It means "to go up, ascend, rise; TO BE LIFTED UP, withdraw, be exalted; to take up, set up, OFFER A SACRIFICE; TO BE OFFERED UP, be carried away, be recorded; to raise oneself up.

So, in truth, we become a sacrifice. We lay our lives, our hurts, our needs, our rights, our past, our future, even our present on the altar and we let it all go up in smoke!

There are some of us who are so neglected, so wounded, so overwhelmed with our significant other's complete lack of life, connection and purpose that we actually feel like we are DYING inside.

Maybe we are.

There are studies that show that we, as human beings, will DIE without physical touch. We will slowly die. It is THAT important.

So, could the same be said for our deep need to be KNOWN, to be UNDERSTOOD, to be ACCEPTABLE?

We NEED physical touch. Do we NEED emotional connection? Is it an actual need?

I don't have a study to prove it, but my personal belief is YES. I have lived enough of my life being invisible and emotionally neglected, that I can, with all of my heart, scream, "YES!"

Women NEED to be acceptable - more than that, they need to be CONNECTED. We need to be spiritually nourished. We need to have hope set before us without it being yanked away by selfish hands.

So, this is where we come back to the meaning of the word "ascend". This is the BEAUTY of our faithful God who DOES see us; who DOES nourish us; who DOES place an inexhaustable hope before us with a sincere and unbreakable promise that he will NEVER remove it.

We who are struggling to mantain something resembling a life, will probably all agree that we are daily experiencing something resembling emotional murder.

Our hearts are being crushed. Our thoughts are being ignored. Our spirits are being neglected.

So, Psalm 24 is telling us that the only way to the "holy place" is to become a sacrifice.

Either way, we are losing ourselves.

The choice laid before us is this:

Will we be murdered?

Or will we be a willing sacrifice?

Let me make this clear: I am not, IN ANY WAY, suggesting that we just quietly lay down under emotional neglect or abuse and take the blows!

I AM suggesting that we allow God to make good on His promise, " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28).

Can God take this emotional death and use it as a sacrifice, lifting the vapors of our pure existence, our surrender to the King of Kings, into the holy of holies?

Can God release us from the deep aching question, "will this EVER end?"

Can God reveal TRUE purpose and pure beauty in us in the midst of this painful experience?

Most importantly, do we have to wait for the other person (most likely the MAN) to lead us into a spiritual awakening?

I am FULLY convinced that God is present and moving in our suffering and in our sacrifice. He is FOR freedom!He is FOR deliverance! The Bible is FULL of God's longing to redeem and rescue. It is literally pouring off of the pages!

I am also convinced that, although there cannot be freedom and wholeness in our marriages without the spiritual brokenness of BOTH people, Jesus is for our individual freedom no matter what.

So, all of this to say - if you are, like me, reeling from years of confusion and lonliness, take heart! You are NOT alone! God has not forgotten you!

Most importantly, you have a CHOICE. You get to decide which road you take.

There IS a road that leads to healing and holiness.

That road requires that we die to ourselves.

That road requires that we choose to be an offering.

That road requires that we stop blaming and despising the people who have been emotionally murdering us.

I am certain that THIS is the road to freedom.