The Help We Need

Tonight we took our kids swimming just as the sun was setting.

The Phoenix summer is in full swing and it has been well over 100 degrees everyday for a few weeks.

Our pool water was slightly cool and was a beautiful oasis in our little backyard desert.

After playing with the kids for a little while they moved on to climbing all over Joe and I was suddenly aware of how beautiful the moment was. I floated on my back and watched the sky. The sun wasn't quite down, but the moon was fitted like a bright sliver in the clouds. The trees and cactus were dark against the blue and grey expanse. It was amazing.

It was one of those moments where I became very aware of how useless our rushing and pushing and striving are. It is so human of us to fight for status and order. It is so human of us to want to monitor our spiritual growth.

Brennan Manning said something along the lines of "If I had it to do over again, I would climb more mountains, swim in more oceans, and live more adventures. I wouldn't waste one single moment on monitoring my spiritual growth. I'd just make the next decision in love. And then the next. And the next." (these are not necessarily his exact words...).

As for me, I would float on my back more - face to the sky. I would swing in more hammocks. I would stand in the ocean and watch the endless horizon. I would ride rapids and stand under waterfalls. I would play with my children without stopping to put something away. I would laugh with my husband without being reminded of the sorrow of our past. I would soak up the sun and hike in the desert. I would read books, filled with people's opinions and interpretations of Jesus and his words. I would practice yoga outside and meditate on the roof. I would sleep in foreign countries and walk with the broken.

All of this without counting out my spiritual points; without expectation of spiritual growth. Just to live. Just to love. Just to breathe and remember where my breath comes from.

Over the last few weeks I have stood in the thick of a nasty spiritual battle and, let me tell you, my temptation has been to DO all the things I can think of to WIN this battle.

But there is nothing I could do to win this one.

Very spiritual people would tell me to "work it out"; to be disciplined and aware of where I am stepping at every moment.

But, in deep and steadying whispers, I heard Him saying, "Be still. Rest. Wait."

And then someone said that we could come to God, broken and in pain and ask for either the healing we want or the help that we need.

And we could trust Him to know which one was best for us.

So, I asked.

And I didn't do anything else. I just waited.

Truthfully, the spiritual bondage of my battle lifted. The enemy stepped back.

He sent me the help that I needed.

Not that this battle is over. It is far from over.

But the Rescuer is on my side.

And, even tonight, floating in the pool I was reminded to rest.

Let Him be the Deliverer.

It is fruitless and sad to try to monitor where I stand.

All I can do is love. Love my Rescuer. Love my family. Love my community. Love my life.

All I can do is make leap after leap into the holy-hippie life. Free. Organic. Rested. Adventure. Uncaged. Aware.