I've actually been really sad lately. As I process through this pregnancy I am so aware of how lonely I am. For a brief period of time I had felt so wrapped up in community - I was blissfully aware of how life was MEANT to be lived. People taking care of other people, big community dinners, kids growing up together, the constant presence of people you trust and love.

I've been wrestling with God over the past three months. This is the first time in my entire life that I have felt NOTHING. Nothing but silence and emptiness. I don't think it's possible for God to truly step away from a human being. God is in everything, holding everything together. Without him we cease to exist. But, for whatever reason, God is silent right now.

And it makes me feel empty and alone. In a lot of ways I feel the same way with my husband. He is healthier than ever before, he is helpful and working very, very hard. But I still feel invisible. He's doing his JOB... but does he DO for me because he loves me or because he must? Has God included me in life because he loves me or because I am just one of the many humans he's rescued.

It might sound silly... but I am deeply tangled up in this messy pit of God's silence. I don't understand it and I don't like it.

Recently I've seen another layer to this empty, lonely place I'm in. We don't have community. We have people who would walk over fire for us, and vice versa, but we don't have people we are LIVING life with.

I am aching for the everyday, deep connections that have slipped away from us. It seems like everything has gone silent all at once. God has stopped speaking and people have grown distant.

I'm not even sure exactly what happened.

All this to say, I've been sad lately....

And, although I HATE sitting in 110 degree heat while watching Aravis' awesome swim lessons, I have found some joy in swimming with my kids this summer. We've been jumping into any pool we can get our hands on and I am SO thankful for the cool water and happy faces on my babies.

If nothing else, there is some peace in spending real time with my kids. I spent my entire first trimester holed up in bed, sicker than I've ever been before and it's kind of nice to soak up some vitamin d while helping judah "swim" around the pool.

I'm so proud of how well Aravis is swimming. In two short weeks she has mastered the freestyle (and fiercely attempted the backstroke :)). The pool is our friend this summer.

Maybe something as simple as the pool is even God NOT being as silent as I think he is. Cause, can there even BE joy without Jesus?




Aravis swimming










Judah swimming back and forth :)











Judah and his super fun daddy










My cute boy










Aravis on her first day of swim lessons