Monday Is Coming....

Monday marks a significant change in our house.

Aravis, my stunningly clever 5 1/2 year old, starts Kindergarten.

All day Kindergarten.

Oooooooh I am sad. So sad.

Don't get me wrong - I am SO happy for my excited little learner! She can't WAIT for school! Since the moment she could talk she has been asking questions, attempting letters and numbers, science and art. She is READY. This girl will be in school for a long, long time. It's in her blood.

But, like every mother sending her firstborn off on the first day of many, many years of every weekday spent away from her, I am grieving the loss of my sweet girl's presence. Maybe even more so because I know that our lives will change even more when Levi is born.

When I was pregnant with Judah my marriage was sludging through hell. I was miserable. I was sick. I was exhausted. And I was incredibly OCD. If you know me - you know that I am anal about things being clean and in their place. It sets something at peace in me. And, the last time I was pregnant, I chose to escape my marriage hell by cleaning ALL THE TIME.

In the midst of my constant cleaning, my incredible sadness and the most basic, yet exhausting, symptoms of pregnancy, I lost my little 2 year old. We were constantly together, always always together. I made sure she was fed, clothed, bathed, read to, listened to.... but something changed between us. I was so busy surviving that I lost some of the unique connection we had shared since her birth.

And, in the 2 1/2 years since then, I have been trying to get it back. I have prayed and worked at coming back to that space of deep connection with my daughter. I have hungered for peace between us - knowing that somehow we are existing in separate spaces.

And, in the last few months, I feel like I've started to clear away the cobwebs of my past sadness enough to connect to her again. I've made different choices in this pregnancy. Sometimes the dishes don't get done at night. Sometimes the laundry doesn't get folded for a day or two. Sometimes we lay in bed and watch movies. Sometimes we go to Subway for lunch when we're out running errands.

It's been an intentional act of giving to my children; hoping that they will feel more than loved - hoping that they will feel embraced.

So, the thought of my girl - the one I have SO fought for these past few years - going to school every day is almost heartbreaking. I've just barely gotten her back.

All of my sadness aside, I have watched her glow with anticipation. She has her Hello Kitty backpack ready to go - her High School Musical lunchbox waiting for her first lunch. She has school supplies and new shoes. She's lost her first tooth just in time for her first year of school.

I took both Aravis and Judah to a movie this morning - a rare treat. I just wanted one more daytime fun trip with BOTH of my kids before everything changes. Tomorrow,Aravis and I are going on a "date" with both of her grandmas and her Aunt Melly. We're getting pedicures, lunch and a new outfit. Monday morning my brother Tanner is coming over for a special breakfast to seeAravis off to school. Joe and I will go for the first hour of school and then we'll leave her there - this brave, happy little thing. She'll start Kindergarten.

I love my daughter. She is so complex - so unlike me in so many ways. She is bright and has the most amazing memory. She multiplies in her head. She can draw detailed and beautiful things. She loves to paint. She loves to play with suchenthusiasm that she comes back to me sweaty and red faced. She loves her family in an incredibly deep way. Sometimes I hear her praying or singing to Jesus when she's all alone in her room. And she giggles. She giggles all the time. She even gets in trouble for giggling when she issupposed to be asleep. :)

Every mama must feel this way. I'm certainly not alone. But I really, really wish I could keep her here with me forever. :)