Balance Please

36 weeks pregnant and I've realized that my peace is slipping.

Every single moment of this pregnancy has been therapeutic. I've had to process past sorrow and sadness while partaking in present joy and beauty. Despite the sad memories, these past 36 weeks have been healing. In facing the darkness I have found immeasurable light. I've discovered new waves of mercy; new fountains of grace.

I've truly experienced the "unforced rhythms of grace".

So yesterday, while panicking and hurrying and crying, I was overwhelmed to find that this constant peace was slipping away from me. Instead of the deep surrender to the circumstances of my life in the moment, I was tightening up. Tension was pouring in on me from every angle.

Yes, I have a lot to do right now. There is a lot on my plate. But it makes me sad to see how empty my anxiety makes me. Where I was full and overflowing, I've become dried out and shallow.

My body has been working hard. I've had hard braxton hicks contractions for almost 3 days now. I'm TIRED.

I've been working all day long for days to try to finish up all of my photo editing before Miss Daisy makes an appearance. I'm mentally tired...

But why does it matter?

Because, right now, I am gloriously pregnant. I am deeply loved and provided for. My children are full of excitement and anticipation. I am fully prepared for my very first home birth. I am nourished and hydrated. I'm ready.

The last time I was this close to birth my heart was heavy - I was so alone and rejected. I faced every second of that season by myself, scared and lonely. If not for the sisterhood of my friends and my family I would have been lost. God sustained me then, guarding and bolstering me.

Maybe I'm anxious now because of how life was then.

But this time I am facing labor WITH my husband. This time I don't have to be afraid of being bullied or coerced by hospital staff. This time I will see all THREE of my children's faces at the same time. I will recover in my own bed surrounded by the people I love. This time is different.

So, today, I've decided to stop and breathe. I'm going to let these braxton hicks contractions do their job and I'm going to enjoy these last few days/weeks of pregnancy.

Because EVERY second of this pregnancy, though painful or joyful, is redeeming something broken in me.