A New Thing...

I just want to say it again - I love my Midwife. She's awesome.

When I was pregnant with Judah I knew I wanted a midwife and debated having a home birth. We decided on a Midwife assisted hospital birth and I just trusted the group of Midwives I was seeing to protect my pregnancy and birth. I wasn't really UNeducated, but I also wasn't educated. I knew enough about pregnancy and birth to know that I wanted an unmedicated birth. I knew I wanted to labor as long I needed too. I knew I didn't want an IV.

I had done the Bradley Method in the hospital with Aravis. Her birth was under seven hours and I really felt like I had done something amazing in birthing her without drugs or interventions. However, I hated the OB who showed up to deliver her. I had avoided making appointments with him throughout my prenatal care because he was condescending and rude. Unfortunately he was the OB on call when my daughter came into the world. So, he showed up at 2:30 in the morning, disregarded my birth plan, gave me an episiotomy, delivered my daughter and then pulled out the placenta. It was violating. He's the reason I opted for a Midwife the second time around.

What's sad is that the Midwife on call when Judah was born wasn't much different. She was understanding enough to let me labor long and hard, but initially refused to let me eat anything or even drink juice. She was invasive and controlling. I labored in triage for 9 hours before making it to a delivery room. Once in the room I started having panic attacks. My body was tired and weak and the thought of exerting enough energy to PUSH was overwhelming and terrifying. She ordered me to the bathtub to get things going. Nothing changed. She decided to break my water and didn't think to warn me that she was stripping my membranes at the same time. It was so shocking and so painful I screamed.

I kept dilating to 10cm and then coming back down to 8cm. Her solution (which I understand is somewhat common) was to use her fingers to push my cervix open during a contraction. If you've had this happen you know how excruciating this is. I finally refused to let her touch me ever again, so she hooked me up to an IV to administer pitocin.

By the time Judah was ready to come I couldn't hold up my head or any of my limbs. I was exhausted and completely out of control. To be honest, I barely remember my son being born. I remember my girlfriends, my husband, my mom and my mother in law holding up my legs, arms and head while I pushed. I remember thinking Judah was never coming out. I didn't have the strength to push him out and he just didn't seem to be moving. I've been told that I screamed, "F***!" every time I pushed. I just wanted to give up.

But he came out. Somehow. Mary says Judah did what he had to do. HE did the work.

It made me sad that I didn't feel any joy at seeing my son for the first time. All I could think about was being left alone. I didn't want to be touched and I didn't want to have to move. My Midwife stitched me up and they moved me to a recovery room. The room was a cave, with no windows and a shower that flooded the room whenever I turned it on. I had been in the recovery room for only a few moments when a nurse came in and started punching and pummeling my stomach without saying a word. I tried to lay still and it took all of my willpower to NOT punch her in the face and scream at her for touching me without even telling me her name. My husband left to get some air and i was left alone with Judah for two hours. I was exhausted and couldn't stop crying.

Now that I am seeing Mary I have learned so much more about birth, my own body, my baby and what this whole thing is really about. Every step of the way Mary has been calm, sensitive and knowledgeable. She schedules two hours for every appointment and explains every detail of my pregnancy to me. I am well prepared for the birth and have the freedom to ask any question I can think of. She listens to me, processes with me and has alleviated all of the fear left over from my previous births.

Tonight we talked about the strength of a well nourished body. We talked through the details of Judah's birth. We talked about the body's ability to deliver a baby WITHOUT me having to push.

We talked about Aravis' fear of the baby being hurt when we cut the umbilical cord and Mary looked her in the eyes and promised to never do ANYTHING that would ever hurt our baby. She explained WHY it won't hurt Daisy and we gave Aravis the option of cutting the cord when the time came.

This pregnancy has been overwhelmingly different. I am so thankful for the gift of my Midwife. I am so thankful for her philosophy of birth. I am so thankful that I know more now than I did then. I am so thankful that I am having Daisy at home. I am so thankful that I don't have anything to be afraid of.

Daisy is still head down and LOA. She is healthy and practicing her breathing movements. I have SUCH peace that Daisy will come when she's ready to come. For the first time I'm not worried about WHEN the baby comes. She'll be born at just the right time. And, when that time comes, I will be nourished and hydrated and encouraged. I will be safe and protected.

I am SO thankful for such a different experience; for an experience that is already redeeming the sorrow of the past.