Day Three!

I wish I was back on that beach.... life is always better on a beach....

This cleanse is drawing out some VERY unattractive qualities of mine.

Unattractive quality #1: Anger. The best way to describe me in the last 24 hours is that I have been an out of control bitch. Plain and simple. I am MEAN.

Example: I was paying for my book and my magazine at Borders and the guy ringing me up decided to strike up what I'm sure HE thought was a witty conversation with me. Glancing at the photo of Britney Spears, he said, "she's going to die of an overdose soon." I was a little taken aback by his strange attempt at engaging me and said, "I think she's happier now." To which he replied, "Yeah, she does look a lot better now that she isn't all chubby."

It took all of my yoga training to not climb over that counter, grab that guy by the collar and yell, "What's wrong with being chubby?! And who are YOU to judge?!"

This behavior is not common. I promise. And, as my mom pointed out, my response may have been a little over-reactive.

I was just outraged by his judgmental and stupid comment.

Unattractive quality #2: Self loathing. Ah yes, here I am again. This old road....

Believe me, I've thought about throwing in the towel for the simple fact that my body image sickness is trying to raise it's evil little head again.

This is why I am not quitting....

I am detoxing on so many levels. Impurities, along with icky and stubborn heart issues are being pushed to the surface. Who I am in my flesh is coming out in full force. This junk is still in me. It has been brooding and determining which way I step. I have to get it out. I have to look it in the face and refuse to give in.

So, I'm going to stick it out. Jesus is IN this. I sense it. I taste it. I just have to ignore the temptation to make this about being skinny. I have to rage to my bedroom walls so as to spare my family. This is purging. It is cleansing. And I want to finally get it OUT.

So, I've altered my cleanse to make sure that there is no room for my self loathing behavior to resurface. I'm eating a potato and quinoa for dinner and I'm adding protein powder to my green smoothies.

Because this has never been about how I look. This is 100% about who I am internally.

I even feel a little better speaking the truth. This is freedom....

Tonight, Yeshua, let truth wash through me.... fill up those newly emptied spaces.... all for wholeness.... all for holiness....

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true
righteousness and holiness.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Ephesians 4:22-24, 31 & 32

Day Two!

Ah, day two.

This was a HARD day. My kids woke me up with fighting and whining. They were both cranky and unhappy.... which was not a fabulous welcome to the day.

But, okay. I'm a mama. This happens. Brush off the web of nasties and just get the day goin'.

So we juiced. Carrots and apples. Yum.

And then my girlfriend dropped her little boy off for the day while she went to work, and I fully expected cranky Judah to throw a fit over the newcomer. But, no. He was actually happy to have a friend. Sigh of relief.

I spent the morning cleaning and eating lots of bananas (for some reason they are so amazing right now). Finally I loaded the kids into the wagon and pulled them to the neighborhood park. Holy Cow, was it a beautiful day! Fresh air, warm sunshine, slight breeze. It was amazing.

But I was in a funk. I had this icky detox headache and I was GRUMPY. This is how I knew I was detoxing. I had the detox attitude.

I've been thinking about this all afternoon...

I have such high expectations for how my life should go. I want certain things. I hope for certain things. Yet, I don't give myself the room to enjoy those things.

If things are peaceful in my marriage, I hold back just a little to guard myself from what is just around the corner.

If I'm enjoying the moment, or the day, I curve in around my heart to make sure that nothing will pierce me.

I want a free life. But I'm afraid of enjoying a free life.

Why?

After all of my juicing, smoothies and salads today I did end up eating a baked potato. That stupid headache was unbearable and I knew I needed something to ease it away. The potato didn't quite do the job so I took a few Tylenol. Great for detoxing, I know.

But, now that the headache is gone, I have a little perspective.

Things didn't go the way I wanted today. And that's okay.

My expectations weren't met. I hit a roadblock.

In detoxing, I was hit hard by the actual effects of detoxing.

Okay.

So, I'm trying to apply this to my incredible fear of "what could happen". I'm really trying to see why I am so afraid of being happy.

I have a few ideas....

But I have a feeling this is just between me and my Jesus....

Like I am afraid that he doesn't really want me to be happy.... like I have to convince him to let me live free.

What bondage. No wonder I need a complete cleanse....

In opening myself to the Spirit of God and asking for a deep washing, I am finding that I am icky. There are things in me that stink. I am a cranky, mean mess. Ugh.

So, tonight... I just want to sit and soak in this ....

When we trust in him, we're free to say whatever needs to be said, bold to go wherever we need to go. So don't let my present trouble on your behalf get you down. Be proud! My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit - not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength - that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all Christians the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.
Ephesians 3:12-19

Day One of Our Cleanse!!!

Day One! I am very happy with the beginning of this cleanse.

Granted, today was probably the easiest day. This is what we got to eat today:

A green smoothie (http://kristensraw.blogspot.com/)
Lots of bananas
An apple
A huge salad (spinach, tomatoes, avocado, cucumbers, celtic sea salt, lemon juice, and flax oil)
More bananas
Peach detox tea
Quinoa with celtic sea salt, flax oil and lemon juice
Baked potato with flax oil and celtic sea salt
Another huge salad (mixed greens, tomatoes, cucumbers, radishes, flax oil, and basalmic vinegar)
Water, water, water, water, water.....

Tomorrow we cut out the quinoa and baked potatoes. I will miss them.

But I am feeling very motivated.

It just so happens that day one of this cleanse is a Thursday.

Thursday is significant because on Thursdays I get to take TWO Holy Yoga classes. Alisa's class in the morning and Brooke's class at night. My two favorite classes.

It seemed appropriate that I start today. Yoga is extremely detoxifying and that is, after all, the point of all this.

This morning in class Alisa said, "Feel that resistance? It is that resistance that kept Cain from giving everything he had."

Ah. Resistance. It seemed that this was a perfect intention for this week. My flesh wants to give in. Already. I want to eat pasta and cake. I want to eat an entire loaf of french bread. I want to lay on my yoga mat and be weak.

But I've made a choice. And I like my choice. Even though my choice is a hard one to follow through on, I'm going to squish that resistance like a bug.

I don't want to come to the end of this week having cheated my way through. I don't want to hold back. I don't want to give into my weak flesh. I don't want to give up on the spiritual blessing of denying my flesh.

Like I said, I want to be free. I want to enjoy food again. I want to feel the moving of the Spirit as I pull my kids in the wagon to the park. I want to find healing and hope on my yoga mat. I want to open my Bible and find fresh, green hope growing in those pages. I want to breathe deep of clean, perfect air.

I don't want to resist. I don't want to struggle AGAINST God. I want to surrender to what he is doing.

I want to give it all. I want to finish my week.

At the end of this cleanse I want to find that my spirit is lighter, my heart is fuller, my joy overflowing.

And Ephesians 1 has been the message of my life lately....

So, I'll end my day here, meditating on the fullness of our freedom...

Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we're a free people - free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free!
Ephesians 1:7

Pre-Cleanse

Food has not been appealing to me lately. It grosses me out.

I feel frustrated every time I eat. I hate it.

It's no wonder. Over the holidays I lost my way with food. I ate so much processed, sugar-filled, even DAIRY-filled, garbage. Now I'm paying for it.

My tastebuds are on strike. My body is complaining.

I've had headaches, insomnia, and a general grumpiness.

So, tomorrow is the first day in a seven day cleanse. I've found a cleanse that allows for salads and even quinoa and potatoes on the first and last day.

But the best part is all of the green smoothies and fresh juices. Honestly, I've been dying for the motivation to break out my juicer again. And here it is! Seven days of smoothies, juices, salads, and detox teas! Yum!

Most importantly, I've been in a nasty emotional funk.

I've been overwhelmingly aware of spiritual laziness and of my intense need for Jesus.

So, on top of this fabulous physical detox, I'm taking on a spiritual detox.

Without rules or guilt, I'm just going to spend these seven days with a very strong intention - Jesus.

My hope is to spend real time being nourished and cleansed by the Spirit of God.

I'm going to do lots of Holy Yoga, read my message bible, spend time each morning and each night in meditation and prayer, and take as many trips to the park with my kids as I can.

I want to taste food again. I want to enjoy it.

And I want to taste the Spirit again. I want to breathe full and deep.

I'm hoping to post something every day for the next seven days. If you are so led, join me!

If you want in on the cleanse here is the link for the cleanse I am using, although feel free to do your own thing. (http://veganfusion.wordpress.com/2009/02/25/a-simple-winter-cleanse/)

Be free my friends!

Love....

Nomad

I find myself here at least a few times a year.

The world is just on the brink of shifting seasons. Things are starting to stir. The air is changing.

And I want more space.

I want to stretch away from the city. I want to see nothing but mountains, trees, grass, ocean, wildlife in every direction. I want out of the mess.

This is usually when I would try to convince my husband to move to California. I find plenty of reasons why we are meant for the free life. Cool, salty ocean air. Travelers with surf boards strapped to the tops of their small cars (made mostly of duct tape and rusty old car parts). Sushi joints looking out over a beach at sunset. Tan lines and sand in our shoes.

Occasionally I think I would rather live in the country somewhere. This seems like yet another piece of the free life. Something so unattainable, yet so longed for. Fields of long, swaying grass. Crickets and fireflies sparking the air with soft energy and imagination. A front porch that wraps halfway around the house. Open windows and the sound of silence. Clear air. Open skies. Room to run. Room to breathe.

I would take either. Preferably both.

This time I have a new dream. And I can’t help but want it.

While hiking with my man and our kids (on a perfect 70 degree January day), it suddenly occurred to me that we could just buy a motor home and have it all. The nomad in me thinks this is the perfect solution. We could live every life we are drawn to. A simple, connected life. A free life. Room to move and breathe and explore. Adventure and family wrapped into one little home on wheels.

I never make new year’s resolutions. They never stick and I don’t like to make vows I can’t keep. But I can say this: this year I want to live free. I want to take every moment and LIVE it. I want to acknowledge the nomad in me. I want to wander and travel and uncover and discover. I want new horizons and open spaces. I want ocean air and fireflies. I want finally see the sparkling, juicy fruit of the price I have paid for love. I want to be a better mommy. I want to see new things and open new doors.

And I want to convince my husband that motor homes are a good thing.... :)

Every Single Human Being

I’ve been contemplating lately.

It’s becoming more and more clear to me that we live in a very self righteous and hypocritical world. Our culture is overflowing with a message of tolerance and acceptance. We teeter right on the edge of wholeness and then slip off the wrong side into a muddy pit that is littered with lies.

I’ve been thinking about things like homosexuality and abortion and politics and sin and church.

I’ve been thinking about the people in my life that don’t fit well together; their opinions and lifestyles are hot and cold, sweet and sour, desert and ocean.

It bothers me that so much judgement and belittling exists in the folds of the human race.

Why do we ALL climb up onto pedestals and blaringly preach our opinions into each other’s faces?

It’s silly how we all claim to be unbiased, non-judgmental, tolerant, and RIGHT.

It’s especially silly that the “tolerant” ones have no tolerance for people who don’t think they way they do. They see differences as ignorance. They see woundedness as aggression.

There is so much name calling, so many groups where certain individuals are not allowed.

You might think I’m talking about the very liberal, or the very conservative. You might think I’m talking about those outside the church, or those inside the church. You might think I’m talking about the heterosexual, or the homosexual. You might think I’m talking about the unwed mother, or the married mother.

The truth is, I’m talking about all of us. Every single human being. We are all, every one of us, walking around, in a mindset of some sort that excludes SOMEBODY.

For some reason, judgement is our first response. We judge the sinner. We judge the judger. We all judge.

Not one of us is open minded enough to truly view the offender with sincere love and acceptance. We harbor bitterness deep inside of our human hearts. We make sharp comments about the people we have already rejected.

And this is how we know that we are human. This is how we know that we are missing something; we’ve slipped off the edge and we are stuck in the mud.

This is also how we know that there can only be One answer; One way; One hope; One love.

Because Jesus is the only One who has ever paved a sincere, unwavering road to true acceptance.

He’s the One who picked that adulterous woman out of the dust and made a choice to not scorn or despise her. He rose to her defense. What was there to defend? She had been CAUGHT in her violating act.

I’ll admit that I think I would have stood on the fringe of that crowd and ached for her in my heart, yet accused her with my thoughts. I may not have picked up a stone, but I would have willed someone else to do it for me.

What bravery burned in Jesus to rise to her defense. What freedom flooded into her life at the mere act of mercy.

What would it cost us to love the people who have offended us, the people who have hurt us?

I remembering reading something about how easy it is to love the person who loves you back, but what about your enemies? What about the person who makes you feel stupid and insignificant? What about the group that has left you out your entire life? What about the person who lives differently than you do? What about the world that makes you feel insignificant every time you turn on the tv and see a stunning, sculpted woman?

Maybe all we really need is to take a step back, take a deep breath and turn our troubled eyes inward. Maybe we need to stop rallying against the world that makes bad choices; stop making signs that scream of hate and rules and take a good hard look at that person lying in the dirt.

What would it cost us to lay aside our worldview, our political stance, our personal belief, and stoop down to offer mercy? Will we not bring freedom rather than a deeper loss? Will we not, ourselves, breath deep of the breath of God?

May we always be challenged to lay aside our need to be right for the sake of love. May we always remember that our job is to love first. And may we birth true acceptance in a world of shadows and mere images. May we be the spark of change. May the lost and broken and rejected find that the Way of Jesus will be their own hope. May they see that hope trickling down from our merciful hearts.

May WE be changed before we demand change from any other human being.

New Freedom

When I found Holy Yoga I was in a space in life where secular yoga was a battle for me. I walked right into Holy Yoga with a deep sigh of relief. No more battling the chanting and self-worship. No more googling the meanings of sanskrit words.

This was a new space. This was a safe place where I could trust the practice. I have been fed and nourished and healed through Holy Yoga for the past three years.

It makes me laugh when I hear the arguments against Holy Yoga. When you actually take a Holy Yoga class it is brilliantly clear that Jesus is IN this. The practice becomes something new; something that classical yoga will always reach for and never touch. It becomes about surrender; not to self or to an unknown divine, but to a Holy and Powerful God. It is a still and restful place. It is symbolic and beautiful. It requires an opening of that carefully guarded heart space to the gentle hands of the Creator. There is too much Jesus to ever let it be about a person. It is truly HOLY yoga.

That being said, I have entered a new space in life. After three years of exclusively practicing Holy Yoga, I have ventured back into the world of classical yoga. This time I am armed. I take off my shoes and lay down my mat. I breath deep and full. I flow. And this IS Holy Yoga.

The words of the instructor are filtered through the deep-set truth of Love that surrounds me. I set my intention on surrendering to the Holy Spirit through every posture and with every breath.

My practice is growing. So am I. I am finding Jesus in a yoga studio, far from the secure arms of a church building.

Now, I am so aware that this will not be for everyone. Some of us may never feel the freedom to step foot in another studio again. And so they should not.

God provides the right spaces for us all. He speaks to us in different ways. He knows our limits and what would harm us rather than do us good.

For me, in this season, He is allowing the practice of Holy Yoga to be a condition of my heart, instead of the style of yoga I practice. And it is healing me.

So great is His love....

And I am loving it.