Day one of Kindergarten - down.
Let me just say - again - that I am actually VERY happy for Aravis. She is MADE for school and loved every second of her first day.
It was not so enjoyable for me.
I loved getting her ready - braiding her hair, eating a special breakfast (made by my mama), watching her help her daddy make her lunch, and photographing every moment between waking up and leaving her at school for the first time.
Joe and I got to stay with her for the first hour and she wanted me to stay next to her and hold her hand the whole time.
When the kids were instructed to sit on the carpet while the parents sat at their desks I wanted to hold her on my lap and squeeze her tight.
When it was time to kiss her goodbye I wanted to pick her up and make a run for the door.
When we were walking back to our car and I saw her class walking in a line way across campus I wanted to call her name until she saw me and BEG her to come home with me.
I waited (so impatiently) for 12:20 (thank GOD today was only a half day!) to roll around so I could buckle Judah into his car seat and drive the 4 minutes to pick my girl up from the longest first day of school ever.
And, when I saw her walking towards me with her Hello Kitty backpack slung across her shoulder and her High School Musical lunchbox in her little 5 year old hand, I breathed a giant sigh of relief. She climbed into the car and my heart relaxed a little.
She did not have one scary, lonely or shy moment. She made friends, ate her lunch in the stinky cafeteria and learned the rules of Kindergarten. She can't wait to go back tomorrow.
She also agreed to cuddle on the couch with me for a whole hour.
Later I took a two hour nap.
I know I sound like a crazy mom. I get it. I'm a little nuts today.
But it's over. She's officially in school. And she's still my little girl. She still wants to come home and cuddle.
Big, big sigh of relief.
We'll see how tomorrow goes...
Monday marks a significant change in our house.
Aravis, my stunningly clever 5 1/2 year old, starts Kindergarten.
All day Kindergarten.
Oooooooh I am sad. So sad.
Don't get me wrong - I am SO happy for my excited little learner! She can't WAIT for school! Since the moment she could talk she has been asking questions, attempting letters and numbers, science and art. She is READY. This girl will be in school for a long, long time. It's in her blood.
But, like every mother sending her firstborn off on the first day of many, many years of every weekday spent away from her, I am grieving the loss of my sweet girl's presence. Maybe even more so because I know that our lives will change even more when Levi is born.
When I was pregnant with Judah my marriage was sludging through hell. I was miserable. I was sick. I was exhausted. And I was incredibly OCD. If you know me - you know that I am anal about things being clean and in their place. It sets something at peace in me. And, the last time I was pregnant, I chose to escape my marriage hell by cleaning ALL THE TIME.
In the midst of my constant cleaning, my incredible sadness and the most basic, yet exhausting, symptoms of pregnancy, I lost my little 2 year old. We were constantly together, always always together. I made sure she was fed, clothed, bathed, read to, listened to.... but something changed between us. I was so busy surviving that I lost some of the unique connection we had shared since her birth.
And, in the 2 1/2 years since then, I have been trying to get it back. I have prayed and worked at coming back to that space of deep connection with my daughter. I have hungered for peace between us - knowing that somehow we are existing in separate spaces.
And, in the last few months, I feel like I've started to clear away the cobwebs of my past sadness enough to connect to her again. I've made different choices in this pregnancy. Sometimes the dishes don't get done at night. Sometimes the laundry doesn't get folded for a day or two. Sometimes we lay in bed and watch movies. Sometimes we go to Subway for lunch when we're out running errands.
It's been an intentional act of giving to my children; hoping that they will feel more than loved - hoping that they will feel embraced.
So, the thought of my girl - the one I have SO fought for these past few years - going to school every day is almost heartbreaking. I've just barely gotten her back.
All of my sadness aside, I have watched her glow with anticipation. She has her Hello Kitty backpack ready to go - her High School Musical lunchbox waiting for her first lunch. She has school supplies and new shoes. She's lost her first tooth just in time for her first year of school.
I took both Aravis and Judah to a movie this morning - a rare treat. I just wanted one more daytime fun trip with BOTH of my kids before everything changes. Tomorrow,Aravis and I are going on a "date" with both of her grandmas and her Aunt Melly. We're getting pedicures, lunch and a new outfit. Monday morning my brother Tanner is coming over for a special breakfast to seeAravis off to school. Joe and I will go for the first hour of school and then we'll leave her there - this brave, happy little thing. She'll start Kindergarten.
I love my daughter. She is so complex - so unlike me in so many ways. She is bright and has the most amazing memory. She multiplies in her head. She can draw detailed and beautiful things. She loves to paint. She loves to play with suchenthusiasm that she comes back to me sweaty and red faced. She loves her family in an incredibly deep way. Sometimes I hear her praying or singing to Jesus when she's all alone in her room. And she giggles. She giggles all the time. She even gets in trouble for giggling when she issupposed to be asleep. :)
Every mama must feel this way. I'm certainly not alone. But I really, really wish I could keep her here with me forever. :)
Balance. Balance. Balance.
I write those words almost monthly.
If there is one consistent pattern in my life it is this:
I am frequently finding myself out of balance.
The more aware I become of myself - both inwardly and outwardly - the more aware I become of the need to be balanced.
And, just when I think I've mastered the delicate arrangement of balancing my life, I realize that I am off kilter again.
And so the pattern repeats.
Balanced and unbalanced.
Sometimes I am peaceful and completely in sync with the life I am living; I am joyfully satisfied as a mama, as a wife, as a photographer, as a Holy Yoga practitioner, as a teacher, as a co-bearer of the responsibilities of planet earth. I breathe fresh air no matter where I am and I soak in the beauty of just being.
And sometimes I am discontent and anxious; I struggle to move my body and my spirit. I am easily frustrated and am prone to isolation. Everything around me is stale and gray.
Right now I am somewhere in between. I am sitting on a threshold, so aware of what lies behind me and not quite certain of what stretches before me. But I am fully and completely aware of the fact that I am internally dizzy.
I don't have my balance.
I am learning to be small. I am learning to be taught rather than teach. I am learning to set aside the things I think SHOULD be done in order to connect with my family. I am learning to forgive when I really want to be angry. I am learning to admit when I am wrong and to ask for forgiveness.
Somewhere in there, in the dark stillness of my threshold, lies balance.
And I NEED balance.
I'm itching to do something creative....
I haven't done very much today and, although I am trying to rest because I have a cold, I just want to clean and photograph and write.
The house is completely trashed (you try living with 2 children, 3 dogs, and two grown men - not including my brother and mama who are in china right now). I should be cleaning it.... I WANT to be cleaning it....
But instead I'm staring out the window at the gray sky. I wish it would pour rain.
I would grab my camera, load my babies up in the car, and chase the storm.
We get so little rain this time of year... it seems like the most interesting thing in the world right now.
It's not even sprinkling yet...
I guess I'll settle for a lazy Saturday in my messy house....
Today Judah loves vegan chocolate smoothies and fresh juice.
Today Aravis loves pretending to talk on a cell phone - while asking for "org-A-nic, not cake."
Today Judah has decided that he has an invisible owie on his knee - which requires his mama to carry him everywhere.
Today Aravis has a band-aid on a very real goose egg on her forehead.
Today Judah loves Spongebob the most and Spiderman second.
Today Aravis is learning to be kind to her brother even when she wants to be mean.
Today both Aravis and Judah are having vegetable sandwiches for lunch and taking a long nap.
Today Mama did yoga at the gym and has great plans to vacuum, catch up on laundry and edit photos.
Today we are all trying to learn to just be in TODAY.
All the terribly ordinary things we are doing today are shaping who we are ...
And it's so hard to take the time to experience the individual moments that are so important.
So our real test today is finding the time to enjoy what we are doing... whatever it is :)
I've entered a photo contest on shutterfly.com....
If you're feeling generous I would LOVE your vote! There are two photos (so two different links).
Check them out if you're interested!
LOVE.
Photo #1
http://contest.shutterfly.com/contests/showentry/347476
Photo #2
http://contest.shutterfly.com/contests/showentry/347495
