The Choice Laid Before Us

Who may ascend the hill of the Lord?

Who may stand in His holy place?

He who has clean hands and a pure heart...

(Psalm 24)

For those of us who have been riding the "roller coaster" of life with a man who doesn't yet know who he is created to be, those three lines have to sound cold.

What does it take to make our way up to God's "holy place?"

What do we have to do to be clean enough, pure enough, FREE enough?

There doesn't seem to be a real answer.

It SEEMS like the only hope for Divine communion is to be "good", to follow the rules so that we are truly pure of heart.

So, we shrink back. We see the enormous mountain of what we will NEVER accomplish, or be, and we allow our frail hearts to cower in humilation.

Then what? Truly, we die.

Our hearts give out; our spirits grow weak.

We let out a tiny whisper... "it's too much."

That is, this is our response IF we are THAT woman.

We are NOT. :)

THIS is why...

The hebrew word used in this passage for "ascend" is ALAH.

Do you know what alah means?

It means "to go up, ascend, rise; TO BE LIFTED UP, withdraw, be exalted; to take up, set up, OFFER A SACRIFICE; TO BE OFFERED UP, be carried away, be recorded; to raise oneself up.

So, in truth, we become a sacrifice. We lay our lives, our hurts, our needs, our rights, our past, our future, even our present on the altar and we let it all go up in smoke!

There are some of us who are so neglected, so wounded, so overwhelmed with our significant other's complete lack of life, connection and purpose that we actually feel like we are DYING inside.

Maybe we are.

There are studies that show that we, as human beings, will DIE without physical touch. We will slowly die. It is THAT important.

So, could the same be said for our deep need to be KNOWN, to be UNDERSTOOD, to be ACCEPTABLE?

We NEED physical touch. Do we NEED emotional connection? Is it an actual need?

I don't have a study to prove it, but my personal belief is YES. I have lived enough of my life being invisible and emotionally neglected, that I can, with all of my heart, scream, "YES!"

Women NEED to be acceptable - more than that, they need to be CONNECTED. We need to be spiritually nourished. We need to have hope set before us without it being yanked away by selfish hands.

So, this is where we come back to the meaning of the word "ascend". This is the BEAUTY of our faithful God who DOES see us; who DOES nourish us; who DOES place an inexhaustable hope before us with a sincere and unbreakable promise that he will NEVER remove it.

We who are struggling to mantain something resembling a life, will probably all agree that we are daily experiencing something resembling emotional murder.

Our hearts are being crushed. Our thoughts are being ignored. Our spirits are being neglected.

So, Psalm 24 is telling us that the only way to the "holy place" is to become a sacrifice.

Either way, we are losing ourselves.

The choice laid before us is this:

Will we be murdered?

Or will we be a willing sacrifice?

Let me make this clear: I am not, IN ANY WAY, suggesting that we just quietly lay down under emotional neglect or abuse and take the blows!

I AM suggesting that we allow God to make good on His promise, " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28).

Can God take this emotional death and use it as a sacrifice, lifting the vapors of our pure existence, our surrender to the King of Kings, into the holy of holies?

Can God release us from the deep aching question, "will this EVER end?"

Can God reveal TRUE purpose and pure beauty in us in the midst of this painful experience?

Most importantly, do we have to wait for the other person (most likely the MAN) to lead us into a spiritual awakening?

I am FULLY convinced that God is present and moving in our suffering and in our sacrifice. He is FOR freedom!He is FOR deliverance! The Bible is FULL of God's longing to redeem and rescue. It is literally pouring off of the pages!

I am also convinced that, although there cannot be freedom and wholeness in our marriages without the spiritual brokenness of BOTH people, Jesus is for our individual freedom no matter what.

So, all of this to say - if you are, like me, reeling from years of confusion and lonliness, take heart! You are NOT alone! God has not forgotten you!

Most importantly, you have a CHOICE. You get to decide which road you take.

There IS a road that leads to healing and holiness.

That road requires that we die to ourselves.

That road requires that we choose to be an offering.

That road requires that we stop blaming and despising the people who have been emotionally murdering us.

I am certain that THIS is the road to freedom.

REVOLUTION!! :)

I believe that women are forced to join one of two groups:

The Feminists: To belong here we have to believe that men have so wronged women that women must now become better than men. We have to push and shove and belittle to create a space for ourselves. But are we safe here? Are we protected? Are we really even ALIVE?

The Submissive Wives: To belong to this group we have to believe that God intended for women to bow to the superior authority of men. We have to allow our hearts to be led into an unchallengeable fortress and abandoned there. But, even HERE, are we safe? Are we protected? Are we really even ALIVE?


I suggest that we start a new group; that we, as women, empowered by the life-giving Spirit of God, truly stand up for justice, for love, for mercy – and take a STAND for what is holy, and honorable, and RIGHT. We don’t need to take a stand OVER men. We don’t need to bow down UNDER men. We need to take our place NEXT to men.

I understand that what I am saying is not new. I have heard women whispering these words over and over again. But who is going to take the lead? Who is going to enforce change? What does change even LOOK like?

I am married to a man who has been in pursuit of Jesus almost his whole life. I have close girlfriends married to men with similar life experiences. I also have a girlfriend whose husband is wrestling with God… I would even say he is AFRAID of God.

Here is the thing – we are all in the same place. We ALL feel lost, abandoned, ignored and uncertain. We ALL feel hopeless.

Why?

How can I live with a man, sleep next to him, raise kids with him, go on dates with him, attend marriage classes with him, and TALK to him everyday, yet still feel like we are strangers?

How is it POSSIBLE to exist here for so long?



Let me give you some personal history.

I was born into a godly home.

I have 2 brothers.

My parents are still married … HAPPILY married, in fact.

I have struggled, off and on, with depression for as long as I can remember.

When I was 21 I tried to kill myself. I waited until my roommate was gone, then I locked the door to the apartment, swallowed a handful of Tylenol pm and waited to die.

It was my abusive ex-boyfriend who saved my life. More like, it was JESUS using someone who had previously destroyed me to rescue me.

This was the most significant encounter in my life.

While I was alone in the apartment I felt my legs go numb.

Then my arms.

I drifted in and out of sleep.

My internal struggle wouldn’t let me go. I couldn’t even just DIE.

Here is the BEAUTY in the midst of this intense darkness…

Jesus.

Just Jesus.

Tangible.

It was the only time in my life that my spiritual eyes SAW him. I felt one hand on my stomach and one hand on my head.

I have never been as certain of ANYTHING as I was of the presence of God that night.

2 weeks later I finally considered his presence.

Why was he there? Why didn’t he turn away?

God, in his glory, sitting still with me in the middle of my sin?

God being present in my darkest place?

God TOUCHING me while I tried to extinguish the life that HE placed in me?

This is why…

Jesus willingly laid himself on that cross. He surrendered to the nails. He surrendered to the humiliation. He surrendered to the lies. He simply surrendered.

Jesus took on my selfishness, my lonliness, my sinful and dark heart. Jesus did this, not only to draw me into eternal life, but so that I would never be alone.

So that I will NEVER be alone.


Can I remember that now?

As I face every mundane day feeling ignored, invisible and crushed, can I remember that he is just as present now as he was then?

The psalmist is clear…

Once again I'll go over what God has done, lay out on the table the ancient wonders; I'll ponder all the things you've accomplished, and give a long, loving look at your acts. O God! Your way is holy! No god is great like God! You're the God who makes things happen; you showed everyone what you can do (psalm 77)

We have to look back; look at our lives. Remember when we were truly at the end of our ropes. Remember when we were afraid. Remember when we were lost.

We have no choice but to cling to the robe of the King who has always sustained us!

Freedom is not the absence of trouble. It is not relief from hardship.

In freedom, we STILL wrestle with God and with each other.

Freedom is not in fighting for our rights.

Freedom is not in demanding that the world give in to our demands.

Freedom is not in laying down our humanity to take on the shell of a “righteous woman”.

Freedom is not in submitting to our husbands (or leaders) when they are wrong or selfish.


Freedom is the hope that we find in Jesus.


BECAUSE we have HOPE in Jesus we set our feet firmly on that holy hill. We set our hearts on this ONE thing: finding our lives in the hands of Jesus.

My hope is that we, as women, learn how to strengthen and encourage the men we love, not to get them to do what we want them to, but to see them COME ALIVE again!

But the only way that can happen is if we KNOW where we stand.

Men are MADE to protect.

As human beings we are ALL inspired by a story of a hero.

We are moved by the image of a man rising up to defend, to guard, to provide.

Why do you think so much of our FICTION is based on that God-given purpose?!

We are universally violated by a story of a man who is weak and selfish and evil.

We are universally motivated by the story of a man who will die to rescue a stranger.

(I personally believe that every encounter with a human hero strikes an internal chord in us to cling to the Divine Hero)

WOMEN are made to balance.

We see what is unhealthy and what is healthy.

We see what is dangerous and what is safe.

We see what brings life and what bring death.



Unfortunately we have ALL been trained to crush who we are made to be.

Men work hard all day long (usually at very unsatisfying jobs).

They come home and expect to relax.

Even if they help with the kids or the house, it isn’t “their” job.

They are told that women are weak and emotional.

So they resent women.

And emotions.

They give up their deep, internal compass.

They get lost.

They suffocate.


Women are taught to either give up or fight to the death.

Most women in the church (AND out of it) are living hopeless, loveless lives.

Why?

Because the most important thing a woman can do is serve her husband? Lift him up?

Wrong.

The most important thing a woman can do for her husband is inspire him to come alive!

The most important thing a woman can do IN LIFE, is allow Jesus, and ONLY Jesus, to define her worth, her value, her hope and her purpose.

Can you imagine how powerful a FREE woman would be?!

Can you imagine a woman who does not bend to either set of rules?

Can you imagine a woman who throws herself at the mercy of Jesus and lets everything else in her life flow out of that pure surrender?!

Can you imagine a woman who is not afraid of what would happen if she stopped manipulating and controlling her husband?

Can you imagine a woman who doesn’t NEED her husband to affirm her, but who is capable of receiving it when he does?

Can you imagine a woman who can walk with dignity NO MATTER what the circumstances of her life are?

Can you imagine a woman who is free enough to release her husband into the hands of God, no matter what that means for her?

Hello!!

THIS is who I say we become.