Daisy Anabelle Suzanne

We had the most amazing Christmas Eve. Daisy Anabelle Suzanne was born at 10:54pm after weeks of early labor and about 5 hours of active labor.

I'm going to give you ALL the info on her birth, so if you DON'T want to know about things like bloody show, then this is not the post for you! :)

On Thursday (the day before Christmas Eve) I went to an acupuncturist to try to stimulate active labor. It was my first experience with acupuncture and I was a little surprised by how it felt. The needles themselves didn't hurt, but once she worked them for a few seconds it felt like an electrical shock in my hands, back, legs and feet. During the treatment I felt really hot and sweaty, which she said was my body releasing heat and it was a GOOD thing.

That night I woke up probably every hour or so with contractions that were hard enough to wake me up, but easy enough that I could go back to sleep when they were over. At 2am I woke up feeling deeply hot and overheated. It was more than just physical heat - it felt like the same internal, energetic heat I had felt during my acupuncture treatment. I turned on the fan and eventually fell back to sleep.

I woke up Christmas Eve realizing that my contractions had changed. Although they were 20-45 minutes apart they had turned the corner and were HARD labor contractions. I had been losing my mucous plug for over a week, but that morning I had bloody show. At this point I KNEW things were progressing and Daisy would be here by Christmas. I tried to rest as much as possible, but spent some time on the ball and walking around the house and the neighborhood.

We had planned to go to my Mother in Law's house for a family Christmas dinner at 3pm, but by the time it was time to leave I realized that I was IN labor and, although it would probably still be a long time till Daisy was born, I couldn't just get in the car and go to a party. So, we stayed home and timed my contractions. They were still 10-30 minutes apart and Joe called Mary (our Midwife) to let her know where we were at.

At about 5:30pm Mary decided that she was going to just come check me. She got here about 6pm and I was at 8cm! My contractions were still far apart and irregular - I was seriously shocked that I had progressed so much. At that point everything changed. I got shaky and a little scared and my contractions started coming at about every 5 minutes. I got in the pool that we had set up in our room and Mary gave me some herbs to help me calm down.

My dad and brothers kept the kids occupied on the other side of the house. They watched movies, had dinner and played while waiting for their sister to be born. At some point I was overwhelmed with loneliness and asked to see Aravis. She came in and checked everything out, kissed me and asked questions and that really helped. It was healing to be able to see her during the birth - to know that she was safe and happy. Judah came in after that and he was a little stand-offish, but really wanted to play with the water in the tub.

For most of the birth Mary and my mom stayed in the hallway while Joe sat with me in the bedroom. It was so, so redemptive to know that Joe was HERE - both physically and spiritually. He was attentive, aware and present. I didn't want him to touch me, but I was able to rest in the knowledge that he was HERE.

Not long after that my contractions started to feel overwhelming. I started to feel like it was never going to end and it was too much for me. I remember thinking that every woman who talks about a "pain free" childbirth was full of shit. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't PAIN I was feeling, but PRESSURE. That helped for about 3 contractions and then I couldn't make the words mean more than the sensation anymore. So, I cried, I prayed, I begged for it to end.

Here's where things were REALLY different between a home birth and a hospital birth - Mary had told me early on in my care that there was no need for me to push Daisy out. She said that my body would do that for me and I would know when it was time to join in. She wasn't lying.

My contractions changed again. They started coming 3 at a time - right on top of each other - and felt like nothing I had ever experienced ever before. They were WILD. It was the most physical pain I have ever felt. Ever. They were hard and consuming and I felt certain that Daisy was never going to come out. I was begging to God to make it stop - to just give me relief. Mary told me to tell them when I felt her and I thought she was insane - I was nowhere near getting her out.

And then I felt my water break... and the ring of fire. Daisy's head was right there, crowing, the moment the water broke. I, somehow, told Mary I could feel her and immediately Mary felt for her head. She applied counter pressure and told me to push when I was ready. This was not what you see in the movies, or maybe even what you have experienced yourself. I didn't breathe and push. I didn't wait for the next urge. There was no need to try to move her down - she was THERE. I pushed probably 3-4 times to get her head out, while yelling and screaming, and then another 3 pushes to deliver her body. And then there she was.

I sat back in the water and held my daughter. For the very first time I felt joy the INSTANT I held my baby. There was nothing else in the way. No lights, no doctors, no interventions. Just me and the baby I had worked for, prayed over and truly BIRTHED. I heard Aravis say, "Judah, it's DAISY!" and realized that they were in the room. I looked up at Aravis' ecstatic face and was SO happy that she had seen her sister being born.

When I was ready I moved up onto the bed and waited for the placenta. This was another totally new experience. I had never pushed out a placenta without pitocen and it was ... different. :) Mary checked me and I had barely torn - not even enough for a single stitch. She said I had eased Daisy's head out so carefully that everything looked perfect.

Daisy was born just over an hour before Christmas Day. She was 7 pounds and 10 ounces, 20 inches long and perfectly pink. The best part is - she looks like me. She definitely has her daddy in her (no Moors kid can escape the Moors head), but Daisy looks like every newborn/baby photo of me I have ever seen. This was a small gift from Jesus for me.. :)

Those are all of the facts, but I want to say that so much more happened during Daisy's birth. I had experienced so much sadness in my previous births and had even experienced opposition from other people before Daisy's birth. I KNEW what God was doing in me by providing a home birth. I KNEW what God was doing in giving me an opportunity to cry out to the Healer and Redeemer. I knew that my expectation of what was coming would not be disappointed. I knew that I was on holy ground as I approached Daisy's birth. But there was certainly doubt that needed to be wrestled with. There were words of discouragement disguised as practical (even Divine) wisdom.

I am so, so thankful for the Spirit of God that surrounded and sustained me. I am so thankful that I did not give in. I am so thankful that my hope was rewarded with reality. Daisy was born naturally and at home. And I was healed. Things that had rattled around - undealt with - have been set right. I experienced so much more physical pain than I was prepared for, but not even a moment of emotional pain. In suffering and struggling I found peace. I met with Jesus in the deepest, saddest place I could. There is no healing like the healing that takes place when you face your deepest wound.

I have spent the last few days soaking in the joy of God's gift to me this Christmas. Daisy Belle is finally here. Her birth was beautiful and excruciating. Healing is settling into old, raw spaces. And I am recovering with my family - enjoying every second of our new life.

Happy Birthday Daisy Belle!

A New Thing...

I just want to say it again - I love my Midwife. She's awesome.

When I was pregnant with Judah I knew I wanted a midwife and debated having a home birth. We decided on a Midwife assisted hospital birth and I just trusted the group of Midwives I was seeing to protect my pregnancy and birth. I wasn't really UNeducated, but I also wasn't educated. I knew enough about pregnancy and birth to know that I wanted an unmedicated birth. I knew I wanted to labor as long I needed too. I knew I didn't want an IV.

I had done the Bradley Method in the hospital with Aravis. Her birth was under seven hours and I really felt like I had done something amazing in birthing her without drugs or interventions. However, I hated the OB who showed up to deliver her. I had avoided making appointments with him throughout my prenatal care because he was condescending and rude. Unfortunately he was the OB on call when my daughter came into the world. So, he showed up at 2:30 in the morning, disregarded my birth plan, gave me an episiotomy, delivered my daughter and then pulled out the placenta. It was violating. He's the reason I opted for a Midwife the second time around.

What's sad is that the Midwife on call when Judah was born wasn't much different. She was understanding enough to let me labor long and hard, but initially refused to let me eat anything or even drink juice. She was invasive and controlling. I labored in triage for 9 hours before making it to a delivery room. Once in the room I started having panic attacks. My body was tired and weak and the thought of exerting enough energy to PUSH was overwhelming and terrifying. She ordered me to the bathtub to get things going. Nothing changed. She decided to break my water and didn't think to warn me that she was stripping my membranes at the same time. It was so shocking and so painful I screamed.

I kept dilating to 10cm and then coming back down to 8cm. Her solution (which I understand is somewhat common) was to use her fingers to push my cervix open during a contraction. If you've had this happen you know how excruciating this is. I finally refused to let her touch me ever again, so she hooked me up to an IV to administer pitocin.

By the time Judah was ready to come I couldn't hold up my head or any of my limbs. I was exhausted and completely out of control. To be honest, I barely remember my son being born. I remember my girlfriends, my husband, my mom and my mother in law holding up my legs, arms and head while I pushed. I remember thinking Judah was never coming out. I didn't have the strength to push him out and he just didn't seem to be moving. I've been told that I screamed, "F***!" every time I pushed. I just wanted to give up.

But he came out. Somehow. Mary says Judah did what he had to do. HE did the work.

It made me sad that I didn't feel any joy at seeing my son for the first time. All I could think about was being left alone. I didn't want to be touched and I didn't want to have to move. My Midwife stitched me up and they moved me to a recovery room. The room was a cave, with no windows and a shower that flooded the room whenever I turned it on. I had been in the recovery room for only a few moments when a nurse came in and started punching and pummeling my stomach without saying a word. I tried to lay still and it took all of my willpower to NOT punch her in the face and scream at her for touching me without even telling me her name. My husband left to get some air and i was left alone with Judah for two hours. I was exhausted and couldn't stop crying.

Now that I am seeing Mary I have learned so much more about birth, my own body, my baby and what this whole thing is really about. Every step of the way Mary has been calm, sensitive and knowledgeable. She schedules two hours for every appointment and explains every detail of my pregnancy to me. I am well prepared for the birth and have the freedom to ask any question I can think of. She listens to me, processes with me and has alleviated all of the fear left over from my previous births.

Tonight we talked about the strength of a well nourished body. We talked through the details of Judah's birth. We talked about the body's ability to deliver a baby WITHOUT me having to push.

We talked about Aravis' fear of the baby being hurt when we cut the umbilical cord and Mary looked her in the eyes and promised to never do ANYTHING that would ever hurt our baby. She explained WHY it won't hurt Daisy and we gave Aravis the option of cutting the cord when the time came.

This pregnancy has been overwhelmingly different. I am so thankful for the gift of my Midwife. I am so thankful for her philosophy of birth. I am so thankful that I know more now than I did then. I am so thankful that I am having Daisy at home. I am so thankful that I don't have anything to be afraid of.

Daisy is still head down and LOA. She is healthy and practicing her breathing movements. I have SUCH peace that Daisy will come when she's ready to come. For the first time I'm not worried about WHEN the baby comes. She'll be born at just the right time. And, when that time comes, I will be nourished and hydrated and encouraged. I will be safe and protected.

I am SO thankful for such a different experience; for an experience that is already redeeming the sorrow of the past.