Light

It's Thursday again. I really wanted to spread the last week out into this week. I didn't want to give up the meditation... the heyschasm.

But I've decided to not grip the good thing so tightly that I strangle it.

So, on to communion.

And, hopefully, I will find that fasting, prayer and meditation follow me here.

Because, shouldn't they all fit together? Shouldn't they all be a part of every day of our lives?

I am experiencing so much brokenness today. These spiritual practices are opening up a desperately hungry hole inside of me. I am becoming so much more aware of my incredible need.

I am a needy person. Needier than I want to admit.

And, this morning in yoga, I found myself in that breath prayer of the desert fathers...

"Jesus, have mercy on me."

In a glorious, freeing, sharp and wounding moment the Light of God burst out over my life and I was horrified at what it exposed. In that one moment I saw who I have been. Beneath all of my yearning, longing, studying, hoping, tears and obedience to God runs a grotesquely pulsating vein of self love.

Duh.

I'm human, I know. It shouldn't be such a shock to see such selfishness alive in me.

But I do SO MUCH for others....

I make GOOD decisions....

I say HOLY things....

I always ask God to humble me...

Ick.

In that one, startling moment it became so very clear to me that I do what I want to do. I ultimately serve me. I think of what I need and if someone steps on my toes I flare up and walk away.

I want to live a free life. I really, really do.

But I chafe at change. I get angry when others are inconsiderate of me.

I live in my flesh and scramble for the spirit.

I realize too that God didn't reveal this in me to shame me. This wasn't to put me in my place.

Because I can TRUST God.

I am being reminded of who God is; of what he has done for me.

And, like a friend I've abandoned, my true friend is only showing me how far I've wandered.

I've been looking for God. I've been fasting and praying and meditating. I've been returning to the roots of my faith. I've been reliving what drew me to him in the first place.

Love. Ah, love.

And, in my longing for holy fear, I've found it.

Love resting in the folds of reverence.

Love blended into every color of my world.

It's his love that brought the sunshine back into my soul.

It's his love that exposed what lurked there.

And it is his love, his rescuing love, that will heal the brokenness I have inflicted.

I can trust his love.