You Can Trust Me...

Seriously people, if you haven't discovered yoga yet I wonder how you stay sane!! Without yoga I would never catch my breath, never be released from my stressful depression, never enjoy the big and small movements of my own body, and never function as a human being.

Yoga is God's gift to my frail human life.

Holy Yoga in particular.

I took a class at a local studio this morning (not Holy Yoga, but ALL yoga is holy when Jesus is in your heart) and it was better than being medicated. :)

I walked in tense, overwhelmed, needy, and depressed. I walked out free, light, calm, and reminded AGAIN of who God is.

This is the theme of my life these days - remembrance. It is so easy for me to forget who God has been and what he has done. I am so selfishly forgetful. It's actually pretty annoying.

When I look back and see the trail of new life that has followed my chaotic footsteps I am so ashamed that I have forgotten him already. I would hate it if someone I loved regularly forgot about me. In fact, I have an idea what that feels like.

After my fabulous yoga class I went to church with my family, the words of my Jesus ringing in my heart, "You can trust me."

Trust is becoming my mantra. I can trust him. I can trust him. I can trust him.

Because I forget that too.

We run out of money, we can't pay our bills, we need a new car, etc.

Why are these things sitting on that holy throne in my life? Isn't that place already occupied?

Why do I obsess as if God has never provided money, food, cars, clothes... everything we have EVER needed?

Are we hungry? Are we homeless? Are we lacking in ANYTHING?

Seriously, I annoy the crap out of myself sometimes. Looking at my foolishness I am so aware that, if it were someone else, I would be preaching a message of trust to their face. But trust alludes me.

So, like I said, trust has become my mantra. I hear God reminding me all day long. I CAN trust him.

One thing Joe and I have been called to that requires an immense amount of trust is tithing. We haven't tithed in years. We haven't felt convicted about it. In fact it seems like, in some ways, God was teaching us to give from the heart. Every time we have ever tithed in the past it was from a space of obligation or guilt.

But we read Malachi the other day and were so challenged to give everything to the storehouse of God's kingdom. Would he not open the floodgates and pour out more than we could hold?

So, in church this morning I felt that same tugging, "You can trust me..." and I put in every dollar I had in my wallet. Fifty eight dollars. And it felt really good. Not guilt. Not obligation. Not pride. Just good. I felt expectant.

We came home from church still broke, still without enough money to cover our bills and our rent, but trusting.

And then someone came to buy the Durango. We've been trying to sell it so that we can use the money to fix Joe's work truck and then trade our other vehicle with my brother. Long story, but this is something I have struggled with trusting God for. And it happened today, when we've decided to trust God.

Even better, when cleaning out the Durango, I found a deposit envelope with seventy dollars cash in it. I don't really know where it came from, but there it was. More than I had put into the offering plate.

Jesus is doing something merciful, deep, and so, so powerful in me. My flesh is still there, fighting for control, but I've realized that communion is so freeing because it is Jesus' broken flesh that conquers mine. It is his spilled blood that keeps me from hemorrhaging when sin guts me.

And victory is this: I can trust him...

"God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life."
Psalm 51:10