The End Of My Rope

"You are blessed when you come to the end of your rope. When there is less of you there is more of God and his rule."

Matthew 5:3 (MSG)

I'm sitting in bed listening to my daughter's raspy breathing.

She has croup and nighttime is the worst.

Her inhales almost sound like she might gag.

Her exhales are shallow.

Every now and then she talks in her sleep and her voice is so hoarse it doesn't even sound like her.

Sometimes she starts to cough.

And it breaks my heart.

My 1 year old son is in the pack n play at the end of the room.

He's just started coughing today.

His breathing is even, but grating.

Just like in life, he is following his sister's lead.

He is headed straight to that barking cough.

Needless to say, things are kind of miserable in our house right now.

Joe is out of town for work.

The kids are sick.

And I am still reeling from the past few weeks.

At around 5pm I find myself unraveling.

I reach the end of my rope and I want to just sit down and let my hands fall open, spilling everything I am balancing onto the concrete.

But I don't.

As of yesterday, I have a new perspective.

When I come to the end of my rope, I take a very deep breath (yoga breath comes in handy here), and I remind myself that there is less of me and more of God.

I can be blessed here.

I can be changed.

I can step aside and let the sweet, cool, refreshing Spirit course through me.

I can find strength in letting go of me.

I can just whisper, "Yep. I've come to the end of me. It's all you, Jesus."

The challenging part is to follow through.

But, sitting here listening to my children try to sleep, I am even more convinced that my only option is to step back.

I could choose to be a victim; to demand justice for my circumstances.

I could decide that God just doesn't listen to me and my life is just too much.

It's my choice how I view my world.

It's my choice to either let go of my rope (since I've come to the end of it anyway), or to try to grip the frayed ends and demand that it magically grow longer to sustain me.

Hmmmm...

I am blessed here.