41 Weeks

41 weeks today.

I saw my Midwife last night. She is soothing and calm and that helps. I'm not so angry anymore. I'm .... still very, very READY.

Here's the good news - I'm progressing. I'm about 3-4cm dilated and my cervix has moved to an anterior position. One thing I love about Mary is that she really doesn't try to force what SHE wants for my birth. She's willing to strip my membranes, but really encouraged me to wait a little bit. We're going to get an ultrasound in the next few days just to make sure my amniotic fluid is still good and, if necessary, will start trying to stimulate labor on Sunday.

Daisy is healthy. Her heartbeat is awesome, her movement is insane and I'm still completely healthy. There's nothing to be concerned about - other than the possibility of reaching 42 weeks. At that point Mary has to transfer care and I would end up giving birth in a hospital. I really, really, really, really, REALLY don't want that. Not at ALL.

I left my appointment last night with some crazy ass contractions. All through dinner and putting the kids to bed I was stopping to breathe and focus. And then I went to bed.... and woke up STILL Shamu.

Mary said, in her experience, women do tend to go into labor either just before a full moon or just after. Tonight is the full moon (the lunar eclipse didn't start spontaneous labor), so COME ON baby!!!

Come to think of it... maybe that was the cause of those crazy contractions last night?

I'm debating what I should do today.... clean like crazy? Walk to the park again? Whole Foods to stock up on supplements? Watch movies and snuggle my kids? Sit on the ball?

All I really want to do is give birth. And I can't MAKE that happen.

Seriously

Through my entire pregnancy I have told myself (and anyone who asked) that I'm not concerned with my estimated due date. After all, it is an ESTIMATED due date for a reason, right?

Well, now that all THREE of my "estimated" due dates have come and gone I am really, really angry. There's no other way to explain it. I'm pissed. According to my absolute latest due date I am now 6 days "overdue". Which makes me feel like I have overcooked the turkey.

I'm still in "early" labor - contracting, losing my mucous plug (sorry if that's too much for you), nauseous... and having many, many other symptoms of "impending" active labor. But the hard part hasn't kicked in yet. I'm in liminal space; the space of betwixt and between. I'm on the threshold, just waiting for something to push me over the edge and into the beautiful, agonizing birthing contractions that will bring Daisy from my womb and into my life.

Last night I bounced so hard on the ball I almost fell off. I raged against my uncooperative uterus and my stubborn daughter. I yelled at my husband for telling me that my body IS working. I googled "has anyone ever NOT gone into labor" and found NOTHING. I got up to pee in the middle of the night and told God, over and over again, how angry I am that I'm still pregnant. I woke up this morning still angry and demanding that this is MY body and Daisy MUST vacate it.

I'm still pregnant. Still having contractions that make me want to scream because they hurt like HELL and are STILL too far apart.

Tonight there is a full lunar eclipse - full moon and all. I've read that a full moon can make a woman's water break if she is far enough along. I'm planning on it. I'm willing the moon to pull on the water in my womb and make that damn thing pop.

I fully believe that God created ALL of creation to work in harmony and it totally makes sense to me that he would have included this ability in the moon's functions.

So, I'm not getting off this ball until the moon decides to do it's job and my body decides to GET IT TOGETHER. I'm not even afraid anymore. Just super angry. I am DONE being pregnant. Done.