Reclaimed

I faced something today.

I stood in the direct blast of something painful, hateful, and full of sorrow.

I stood and I reclaimed something.

In a conversation with someone who has been hurting me for a long time I finally said what I've been wanting to say, but haven't been able to put to words.

I was suddenly so aware of how crafty the enemy is. I am constantly battling my own self loathing, and here it was again - that evil lie creeping up and threatening my fragile sense of balance.

This person is more important to me than I could ever express... and he is always making me feel like I am unacceptable - like if we weren't related he would have nothing to do with me - like he would never CHOOSE to have me in his life. (Small disclaimer: I'm not talking about my husband this time)

I know that it's not a matter of whether or not he loves me. Somehow he DOES... he just doesn't always seem to LIKE me. I keep waiting for him to make things right - to make me feel acceptable again - to reaffirm my worth.

But today I had this sudden "aha" moment and found myself drawing a line in the sand of my own soul.

I am worth choosing. And I'm not going to keep waiting for him to tell me that i AM worth it.

I have enough self loathing for the both of us. Either he chooses me or not, but whether or not he does... I am worth the choice.

I'm telling you, something profound shifted for me.

Maybe because it's been going on so long - sinking in like little needles, injecting their poison and leaving me weak.

Maybe because I have grieved the loss of what was so deep and sweet.

Maybe because he has exposed my failures as a human being and left me feeling shamed and small.

But my God wastes nothing.

And whatever it was that has wounded me for so long....

Doesn't seem so looming anymore.

Because I saw worth in myself for the first time in a long time. I saw Jesus settled on the throne of my heart, radiating. I felt the Spirit of God pulsating like adrenaline - "you ARE worth the choice."

I said it out loud...

And a shaft of light pierced the dark cloud over me...

A small moment maybe...

But joy is certainly pushing against the darkness.