Shame

Yesterday Alisa told the first story like this:

"Adam and Eve sinned. They realized they were naked and they were ashamed. So they hid. God called to them, 'Adam, where are you?' God knew where they were. He was asking if THEY knew where they were."

I've been thinking about this since she said it.

Because sin, selfishness, has exposed me.

And shame has forced me to hide.

I've been hiding from God all day. And how ridiculous is that?

Where could I ever go to hide from God? I could never go far enough.

Yet, I still try.

I'm hiding because I have become aware of the great effect shame has had on my life. Shame shapes my actions, my words, my thoughts.

I am ashamed of who I am so I choose not to eat.

I am ashamed of who I am not so I judge the first person I lay eyes on.

And I am ashamed of being ashamed.

Shame makes me impatient, unkind, ungenerous, fearful.... shame makes me lost.

Today I heard God call out to me, "Stephanie, where are you?"

Not because God doesn't know where I am.

But because God wants ME to know where I am.

He wants me to say it out loud. Confess my debilitating shame. Release the idol of self that has been in my firm grip since the first time I bowed down to my own flesh. Let go. Acknowledge that I am exposed and naked. Admit that sin is crouching at my door.

Sin desires to master me, the way it did Adam and Eve. The way it did Cain. The way it did King David.

Sin is my enemy. Because sin makes me hide, foolishly, from my only hope of Rescue.

So, tonight, I'm saying out loud over and over again. "I'm here, God. Naked and ashamed. I'm stuck in a deep, thick mess. Clothe me again. Wash me and I will be clean."

It really, truly is a choice. What will master me? What will I bow my heart to?

....then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid, and many will court your favor.
Job 11:15-19