I am visiting my oldest friend, Nicole, in California this weekend.
We've been friends for 15 years and don't see each other as much as I'd like.
This is what I love about being with Nicole:
We never have to explain anything.
We've been friends for so long and with such intensity, that we can connect in a breath.
When we were younger we would cry over our tormented lives together. We were incredibly melodramatic and obsessed with anything heartbreaking.
Although we were weird, we were also incredibly sensitive and in tune with what is Spiritual.
Our experience of God and life was beautifully woven.
Since then we have both experienced painful and debilitating things.
And when we are together, and we remember who we have been and what has led us to this more fearful existence, something loosens.
The tight grip I have on my life is almost powerless...
Because I connect to the freedom I once had to just BE.
She is my altar of what was.
Her presence reminds me of who I have been and of who I wanted to be.
I am thankful for the chance to look back and let the memories affect me again.
I am thankful for the chance to look back and be so thankful for the decisions that I DIDN'T make; boyfriends I didn't marry; places I didn't go.
We are who we are.
All of us.
Our lives are always full of turns and upheavals.
Hopefully, we all have someone who has seen the weird, melodramatic versions of ourselves, and can still connect to the heart underneath that teenage angst.
This is the power of an altar; of a remembrance.
There is freedom in being reminded of who we have been and of what has led us to who we are now.
It is like taking a full breath; feeling the fullness of your lungs and holding it there for a moment.
Just being in a space of expansion and bursting for as long as you can hold it.
And then exhaling.
That breath rushes away and it is gone forever.
There is freedom in your exhale; in emptying your lungs.
This weekend is a purging breath for me.
I am full to overflowing of memory; of reflection.
When I go home I will exhale and the poignancy of my remembrance will rush from my lungs.
And I will be cleansed by this full breath.
I will be more centered.
I will be more connected.
I will be more truthful.
And I will be reminded to stop and breath through my memories more often.
I will be reminded to be thankful for what has carried me here.
Jesus.
Jesus.
Jesus.
Jesus.
4 comments:
My friend, I adore you. The depth of connection is instant and true, in every way. And I will never take a moment of that for granted. I walk away from a moment with you and find myself more deeply in love with my Jesus, more acutely aware of my brokenness, more fully alive in the realization that every fear that holds me back, that keeps me from plunging into life, that keeps me from experiencing the depths of the cross, can fall away in the instant I see the face of my Jesus through the truth you speak to my life. I love you more than words.
i love you back... just as intensly
What happens when all you can remember in the past is the bad things, the mistakes you made, the hurts you received, the pain you keep reliving? How do you get away from that, how do you break free from the hold it has...on your heart, on your life? I am in this place where old fears keep resurfacing and I dont know how to shake them off. To me, it seems foolish to forget the past, because like you said, the past made you who you are now. But what if the past is holding you back from becoming who you should be? It is extremely frustrating to be told to forget the past and move on, but at the same time knowing you have to remember in order to learn from it and break free from old patterns and cycles... I am just really confused right now.
shannon,
i would say that what is holding you back is the power of the past; past wounds, failures, fears. your heart is stuck there.
it's so hard to truly learn freedom. it's so hard to learn to live with a profound joy in what has been and in who God has been.
can you look back and see where God was in those experiences? it seems like you maybe aren't reconciled with the past?
matthew 5 (in the msg) talks about the blessing that comes in learning to be content in who you are - no more and no less.can you look back at who you have been and say, "yep. that's me. that's who i have been. those circumstances led me into painful places and i have seen the nearness of God in those dark rooms. i am who i am. God's grace is pouring over me."?
i would encourage you to let the past be what it is; to come to terms with it. i really believe that we have to look things straight in the face and acknowlege what they truly are to ever be free from them. we stay stuck because we are afraid to let things be what they are.
this is a journey of healing and wholeness between you and Jesus, but it wouldn't hurt to find someone to help you process.
my heart's CRY for you is that you will find FREEDOM! i know that, being raised in the church, there are expectations and guilt driven goals that can crush us!
the first time i EVER felt free in my entire life was right after i tried to kill myself and joe and i had just started dating. people were telling him to run; that i was flaky. and they were totally right. i was a mess. it was the first time in my life that i could just say, "yep. that's me. take me or leave me." no pretenses. no rules. no expectations. it actually felt GOOD to actually do the worst. it felt good to feel the grip of who i was supposed to be loosen. and since then, i find myself entering new levels of "i am what i am."
not that this will ever be an excuse to sin, but it will always be a reason to love grace and to love mercy.
i love you, shannon. i am praying for your freedom.
you are a gifted writer and i am guessing you process through what you write.
so, write. write and write and write. let it be ugly and fragmented. i think you will see your soul exposed and find freedom in just being a messy girl who is so rescued and so sheltered by the Holy One.
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