Need

It's been about four months of painful, exhausting, hard work for me.

Joe has been out of town for work and only home on the weekends.

That means my day never ends.

And all of my days kind of melt into one very long, very frustrating day.

A four-month-long day.

Usually I make it till about Wednesday before I want to scream and lock myself in a closet.

And, fortunately, I have family who helps to lift the burden.

But there is no substitute for a partner.

And I have been feeling increasingly burdened.

Today is probably the climax of this battle so far.

I am so far past the end of myself I just feel like a big blob of goo.

I woke up so tired I could barely keep my eyes open.

My kids have been crying and fighting all morning.

Every sharp sounds makes me feel like I am going to lose my mind.

My heart was beating so hard inside of my chest I wondered for a minute if there was actually something physically wrong with me.

I even laid down on the floor and thought maybe I should go get a blood test to see why I am so tired all the time.

And then I remembered that I am so tired because I never rest.

There is no break from the chaos.

There is no "sick day" or "mental health day".

There is no other choice.

I just have to get up and do what is mine to do.

My parents took my kids for the morning and I just laid on my yoga mat and tried to crawl my way into Abba's lap.

I cried.

I opened my Bible.

I read words that should have soothed my heart.

Peace.

Jesus said he left peace.

Peace to make us well and whole.

I don't feel well and whole.

So I just cried and trusted that God knew exactly what I was bringing to him.

I took a shower and listened to Rob Bell talk about Sinai.

Fire and voices.

Church and people.

And then I watched my kids from the sidewalk as they ran through the sprinklers in my parent's front yard.

And now they are home, dripping wet and wearing nothing but crocs.

Judah has a stick and Aravis is wearing a headband like an amazon.

They are wild. It's the nature of who they are.

They are adventurous.

They are full of life and a need for peace.

Peace.

Abba's kind of peace.

Peace that stills us when we are a furious storm.

Peace that whispers when we are inwardly screaming.

Peace that strengthens us when we are so incredibly weak.

Peace that makes a way through a wilderness of trouble and loneliness.

Peace.

Peace.

Peace.

Little trickles of peace are filtering down into my soul.

Tiny movements of hope and strength.

One thing I am learning more and more lately:

I need Jesus.

I really, really, really need him.

And my need makes me see things differently.

I'm not so concerned with other people's faults and failures.

I'm not so overwhelmed with things and wants.

My need is too strong.

Something small and fierce in me says that I am blessed.

I am blessed to be alone.

I am blessed to be struggling.

I am blessed to be tired.

I am blessed to be a big blob of goo.

I am blessed because joy comes in the morning.

I am blessed because I am not orphaned; He's coming back for me.

My Abba is, even now, speaking over my life...

"Come away with me, my lovely one, come..."

And, because I am so aware of my need, my little heart can only whisper in response...

"Not my way, Yeshua, but your's...."