Balance?

I'm taking a day off... sort of.

Joe takes Aravis to school on Fridays so I've been sort of lazy all morning. I don't mind that. :)

I'm laying on my unmade bed with the window wide open. The air is cool and fresh - this is my FAVORITE time of year! FINALLY the weather has turned! The oppressive heat is fading away and fall is finally sneaking in (it's seriously October 7th).

In a little while I'll get up and do some laundry. I'll do the things my husband said he'd do this morning and forgot about (i.e. the trash and a pile of clean clothes that are now lying on the floor thanks to his frantic scramble for a shirt). I'll make the kid's beds and clean up the kitchen. I'll make cds for my clients and work out an outline for the next Holy Yoga Masters call... but maybe I'll take Judah for a walk first. We haven't gone on a walk since the beginning of summer.

My point is that I'm still on my search for balance. I'm still sorting through the contents of my life trying to determine what is necessary and what is clutter. Today is a part of that. I'm taking a day off because I'm tired. I'm also going to do the things that need to get done... mostly because I'm free to do them or not. Picking up my husband's clothes doesn't define who I am or my worth as a wife. It's not MY job. And don't think I'm not annoyed that I am the one who will do the things he told me HE would do. But I'm going to do them. It just seems balanced...

Almost There

I had my 30 week check up with my midwife yesterday. Have I mentioned how much I love her?

This entire pregnancy has been a journey of processing, uncovering and healing. Birth is not just a physical experience. It is so entirely spiritual. I've experienced the effects of spiritual blockage in childbirth (aka 24 hours of stop and go labor and a little post traumatic stress), and I am now so aware of the importance of freedom and peace throughout these 10 months.

Now that I am nearing the end I've started to think about what I want my birth experience to be like. This is my first homebirth and I am SO excited about the idea of being in my own space, surrounded by my family and close friends. I love the idea that my children will participate in the birth of their sister. I love that I won't be caged up in a hospital room for 3 days - missing my babies like crazy! I love that my midwife insists that I be nourished and rested for the actual birth. I love that there will be a pool of warm water in my bedroom to ease the discomfort of labor. I love that my husband has entered into my life in new and deep ways. I love that I won't be alone.

I'm really looking forward to Daisy's birth. I'm not feeling anxious for her to just get out. I'm not feeling even a hint of fear. I'm just excited. I remember the pain of contractions. I remember the helplessness of pushing. But what I remember the most is the sorrow of feeling abandoned while trying to produce life. And that sorrow is in the past. It is over. It's gone.

Daisy is coming into a new family. She is entering into the free-est space we've ever been in. She is coming into our lives like a fresh, new wave of joy. We are so happy to welcome her into our family. It seems like Daisy is bringing a new season with her.

This is a time of preparation. We are getting things ready, expectantly preparing for her arrival. It's good. :)

I Love These People...

A Woman

‎"...A woman who is living out her true design will be ‘valiant, vulnerable,
and scandalous.’ That’s a far cry from the ‘church ladies’ we hold up
as models of Christian femininity, those busy and tired and rigid women
who have reduced their hearts to a few mild desires and pretend
everything is going just great”
...(John Eldridge, Wild At Heart)

I hear these words and my entire being lets out a great big exhale. Yes please. No more frantic, lonely attempts to be "just right". No more expectations that a "godly" woman feeds her husband's ego until he explodes. No more false smiles. No more cringing from a deep and sorrowful heart cry simply because we are so terrified to observe our own broken hearts. No more backbiting and gossiping from beaten and abandoned hearts.

Let's all just say it how it is. Women are meant to be fully alive, wholly loved, deeply respected and rooted deep in healthy and faithful relationships. We are created to have strong and passionate emotions. We are formed, both internally and externally, to be lovely and strong.

Whoever wrote the manual (which, by the way is NOT the Bible) that says good Christian women should be weak and should "bear up" under someone's anger, addiction, selfishness and pride should be called to account.

Whoever decided that women as a whole should be superficial and flighty should spend a day immersed in the inner workings of a truly free woman. I think he/she would be surprised at what they find.

I've read a few articles about this passage from Wild At Heart - all of them fiercely offended that John Eldridge sees women in this light.

To John Eldridge, I say, "Hell Yes!"

Let's let women be WOMEN.

Not busy and tired shadows of who they are CREATED to be.

I'll step back down now.... ;)

Old Spaces

On Sunday we rearranged our entire room. This was not a normal "move some furniture around" kind of project. We are getting ready for Daisy's arrival (I know - I still have 4 months of gestating to go!), so this was a big deal. Since we are having a home birth we needed to make room for the birthing tub. I really have no idea how big it is, but I'm pretty sure the tub+my many birth attendants+my midwife will equal a giant need for more space.

We also have a few outlets that have been sparking. Creepy, I know. Lucky me - my husband is a talented handyman. He knocked that out in about 10 minutes. And then there was the deal with the cable. Moving the TV cabinet to the other side of the room meant moving the cable. Once again - I have that handyman on call. Still, it was a long and frustrating day.

At the end of it all I was achingly pregnant so I laid down on my comfy bed. I realized as soon as I laid down that I was laying in the same exact spot I had been laying in when I discovered my husband's deep addiction. It's been 3 years since we last lived in my parent's house. It's been 3 years of sorrow and yearning and loss. It's been 3 years of victory and hope in small, significant doses. And, here I am in the very same space I had been in the last time I was pregnant. But this time it was so so different.

I sat in the realization for a moment, remembering how my life had crashed down around me that day. And then I thought about God's mercy. He never half way heals us. He's all the way or nothing at all. This is how full force my God is: not only have things been changing and healing over the last 3 years, but I will give birth to my sweet girl in this very room. In the same space that has housed such sadness and destruction I will take part in something holy and sacred.

My last birth was traumatic and scary. I was alone and lost. This birth will be full and safe. And it will be here, redeeming this space; redeeming a lost piece of my marriage.

I'm ready :)

The Prayer

A friend of mine posted this on facebook this morning and I just kept reposting it.

The more I read it the more I FEEL it.

It's stunning and true and deeply powerful.

So I want to share it again :)

"You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace." - St....Augustine

I've been really truly contemplating what is actually Biblical vs. what is tradition in the Christian faith.

This small quote seemed to stir up something ancient and universal for me. THIS is the God who was and is and will be. This is the great and mysterious Creator. This is the Unexplainable.

May we ALL be moved to hunger and thirst for more; to search and pray with an open heart. May we discover what is essential to our faith and be relieved of what is merely causing our ears to grow deaf, our eyes to grow blind and our breath to grow short.

Courage

I am not a fan of self portraits. They make me uncomfortable. I imagine people standing in their bathrooms, with their cell phones, pouting into their mirrors. It seems more silly and vain than artistic.

However, I HAVE seen self portraits that are VERY moving. Artistic and meaningful photos taken during moments of self reflection.

I remember seeing a photo my cousin had taken for a photography class. It was intimate and beautiful. It was also the first time I didn't resent someone for taking a photo of themselves (I know. Really, I have no business judging people for taking photos of themselves :)).

Since I've been SO miserable with my expanding body, and since I don't want to pass through yet another pregnancy without any photos to look back on, I've taken on a photographic project.

The dreaded self portrait.

I am basing my entire project on this one quote:

"Courage is about doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared." (Eddie Rickenbacke)

I don't want to spend the rest of my life avoiding the things that scare me.

I want to adventure. Adventure takes courage. And "there can be no courage unless you're scared." :)

I'm scared of what I see reflected in my own self portraits. I'm scared of what they say about me. I'm scared that I will never feel joy in what I see.

So, I'm stepping COMPLETELY outside of myself to capture the truth of myself.

And I'm posting these photos because that scares me even more.

So, here's to Jesus.

Here's to the the hope of freedom.

Here's to fear and courage.