On Sunday we rearranged our entire room. This was not a normal "move some furniture around" kind of project. We are getting ready for Daisy's arrival (I know - I still have 4 months of gestating to go!), so this was a big deal. Since we are having a home birth we needed to make room for the birthing tub. I really have no idea how big it is, but I'm pretty sure the tub+my many birth attendants+my midwife will equal a giant need for more space.
We also have a few outlets that have been sparking. Creepy, I know. Lucky me - my husband is a talented handyman. He knocked that out in about 10 minutes. And then there was the deal with the cable. Moving the TV cabinet to the other side of the room meant moving the cable. Once again - I have that handyman on call. Still, it was a long and frustrating day.
At the end of it all I was achingly pregnant so I laid down on my comfy bed. I realized as soon as I laid down that I was laying in the same exact spot I had been laying in when I discovered my husband's deep addiction. It's been 3 years since we last lived in my parent's house. It's been 3 years of sorrow and yearning and loss. It's been 3 years of victory and hope in small, significant doses. And, here I am in the very same space I had been in the last time I was pregnant. But this time it was so so different.
I sat in the realization for a moment, remembering how my life had crashed down around me that day. And then I thought about God's mercy. He never half way heals us. He's all the way or nothing at all. This is how full force my God is: not only have things been changing and healing over the last 3 years, but I will give birth to my sweet girl in this very room. In the same space that has housed such sadness and destruction I will take part in something holy and sacred.
My last birth was traumatic and scary. I was alone and lost. This birth will be full and safe. And it will be here, redeeming this space; redeeming a lost piece of my marriage.
I'm ready :)
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