Prayer

This is my son, Judah.

Tomorrow is his second birthday and I have spent the day reflecting on his little life.

Judah was conceived, and born into, an incredibly chaotic time in our lives.

Joe and I were in this a really ugly space. I found out that I was pregnant not long after finding out about Joe's massive pornography addiction. Things were strained, my man was lost in selfishness, and I was completely consumed with the sense that I wasn't good enough. I was lost in self loathing. I was just lost.

Not long before I peed on that stick I had done a bible study by Beth Moore called "The Patriarchs".

A good portion of this bible study centered on what was happening between Rachel and Leah - Jacob's wives. They were sisters, married to the same man. Only Jacob loved Rachel.... and not Leah.

Rachel was barren. She wanted children, but couldn't have them. But God looked at Leah and saw that she was unloved and he opened her womb. She had son after son. while Rachel remained childless.

And each time she had a son, his name reflected the utter lostness of Leah's heart.

Because something stood in the way of her husband ever really loving her.

Someone else held her husband's attention. Leah was invisible.

She named her sons after her heartache, "the Lord has seen my misery, maybe my husband will love me now," "because the Lord heard that I was not loved he gave me this one too," "now at last my husband will become attached to me because i have born him three sons."

And then she had a fourth son and she said, "this time I will praise the Lord."

And she named him Judah, which means praise.

Like Leah, I was overwhelmed with the "Rachel" in my life. Something else stood in the way of me ever being loved.

And, for some reason, God had chosen to fill my womb.

And, like Leah, I had come to realize that my only hope of joy rested in the arms of my Husband; my Jesus.

So, instead of misery, I blessed that little man in my womb. I prayed blessings over him.

When my son was born we named him Judah Ezekiel. "Praise. God Will Strengthen."

Judah was born, after 27 hours of hard and painful labor, to the sound of my beautiful friend Tassie singing praise and hope to the Lord. The first sound he heard was praise.

And, that is what I pray over Judah today. This is the first day of making prayer my intention and there is no better way than to pray over my beautiful son. He is more than a reflection of God's love for me in the darkest time in my life. Judah is, every day, a reflection of hope.

So, this is what I pray for Judah....

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.
Psalm 71:14