Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE Holiday. Everything about it is beautiful. The intention of the Holiday is holy and reflective, the time spent with family is deep and meaningful, the food is overwhelmingly FABULOUS. I just love it. Love. It.
This was an especially fun Thanksgiving because both of my brothers were here for the entire day for the fist time in YEARS. Tanner has been in the Air Force for the past 6 years and we haven't had a Holiday with him the entire time. Alec has worked as a waiter for the past 5 years and had to work every Thanksgiving. But THIS year, Tanner is out of the Air Force and Alec has a new job. The only sadness was that my sister in law Melanie (plus Travis and baby Jack) were missing this year.
My mom and my mother in law did all of the cooking and prepping. They are such good co-hosts. Really, they made a beautiful dinner and a relaxing Holiday for everyone. Being at home with a fire in the fireplace, surrounded by our family made me so thankful for the family we are blessed with. Truly, we are blessed. We are loved.
I am so thankful for such great parents (and grandparents), for such warm great grandparents, for present and fun siblings, and for my husband and my kids. At the end of the night I was especially thankful for the friendship between my husband and my brother. They are so goofy - so willing to do anything to make the kids laugh, even if it's just weird. They are also happy to camp out in front of Best Buy together all night long just to get a good deal on a few Christmas gifts. I love them.
After massive amounts of food (and pie.... does pie even count as actual FOOD - it's just pure deliciousness) I spent the rest of the night with really low key contractions. I woke up this morning still contracting. Although they are getting more consistent, they are still so far apart and really mild. So, my whole plan for the day is to sit on the birthing ball, set up the Christmas tree, do the laundry and take a few walks.... I guess I SHOULD eat some leftovers. What is the day after Thanksgiving without leftovers - contractions or no. :)
Friday, November 26, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
A New Thing...
I just want to say it again - I love my Midwife. She's awesome.
When I was pregnant with Judah I knew I wanted a midwife and debated having a home birth. We decided on a Midwife assisted hospital birth and I just trusted the group of Midwives I was seeing to protect my pregnancy and birth. I wasn't really UNeducated, but I also wasn't educated. I knew enough about pregnancy and birth to know that I wanted an unmedicated birth. I knew I wanted to labor as long I needed too. I knew I didn't want an IV.
I had done the Bradley Method in the hospital with Aravis. Her birth was under seven hours and I really felt like I had done something amazing in birthing her without drugs or interventions. However, I hated the OB who showed up to deliver her. I had avoided making appointments with him throughout my prenatal care because he was condescending and rude. Unfortunately he was the OB on call when my daughter came into the world. So, he showed up at 2:30 in the morning, disregarded my birth plan, gave me an episiotomy, delivered my daughter and then pulled out the placenta. It was violating. He's the reason I opted for a Midwife the second time around.
What's sad is that the Midwife on call when Judah was born wasn't much different. She was understanding enough to let me labor long and hard, but initially refused to let me eat anything or even drink juice. She was invasive and controlling. I labored in triage for 9 hours before making it to a delivery room. Once in the room I started having panic attacks. My body was tired and weak and the thought of exerting enough energy to PUSH was overwhelming and terrifying. She ordered me to the bathtub to get things going. Nothing changed. She decided to break my water and didn't think to warn me that she was stripping my membranes at the same time. It was so shocking and so painful I screamed.
I kept dilating to 10cm and then coming back down to 8cm. Her solution (which I understand is somewhat common) was to use her fingers to push my cervix open during a contraction. If you've had this happen you know how excruciating this is. I finally refused to let her touch me ever again, so she hooked me up to an IV to administer pitocin.
By the time Judah was ready to come I couldn't hold up my head or any of my limbs. I was exhausted and completely out of control. To be honest, I barely remember my son being born. I remember my girlfriends, my husband, my mom and my mother in law holding up my legs, arms and head while I pushed. I remember thinking Judah was never coming out. I didn't have the strength to push him out and he just didn't seem to be moving. I've been told that I screamed, "F***!" every time I pushed. I just wanted to give up.
But he came out. Somehow. Mary says Judah did what he had to do. HE did the work.
It made me sad that I didn't feel any joy at seeing my son for the first time. All I could think about was being left alone. I didn't want to be touched and I didn't want to have to move. My Midwife stitched me up and they moved me to a recovery room. The room was a cave, with no windows and a shower that flooded the room whenever I turned it on. I had been in the recovery room for only a few moments when a nurse came in and started punching and pummeling my stomach without saying a word. I tried to lay still and it took all of my willpower to NOT punch her in the face and scream at her for touching me without even telling me her name. My husband left to get some air and i was left alone with Judah for two hours. I was exhausted and couldn't stop crying.
Now that I am seeing Mary I have learned so much more about birth, my own body, my baby and what this whole thing is really about. Every step of the way Mary has been calm, sensitive and knowledgeable. She schedules two hours for every appointment and explains every detail of my pregnancy to me. I am well prepared for the birth and have the freedom to ask any question I can think of. She listens to me, processes with me and has alleviated all of the fear left over from my previous births.
Tonight we talked about the strength of a well nourished body. We talked through the details of Judah's birth. We talked about the body's ability to deliver a baby WITHOUT me having to push.
We talked about Aravis' fear of the baby being hurt when we cut the umbilical cord and Mary looked her in the eyes and promised to never do ANYTHING that would ever hurt our baby. She explained WHY it won't hurt Daisy and we gave Aravis the option of cutting the cord when the time came.
This pregnancy has been overwhelmingly different. I am so thankful for the gift of my Midwife. I am so thankful for her philosophy of birth. I am so thankful that I know more now than I did then. I am so thankful that I am having Daisy at home. I am so thankful that I don't have anything to be afraid of.
Daisy is still head down and LOA. She is healthy and practicing her breathing movements. I have SUCH peace that Daisy will come when she's ready to come. For the first time I'm not worried about WHEN the baby comes. She'll be born at just the right time. And, when that time comes, I will be nourished and hydrated and encouraged. I will be safe and protected.
I am SO thankful for such a different experience; for an experience that is already redeeming the sorrow of the past.
When I was pregnant with Judah I knew I wanted a midwife and debated having a home birth. We decided on a Midwife assisted hospital birth and I just trusted the group of Midwives I was seeing to protect my pregnancy and birth. I wasn't really UNeducated, but I also wasn't educated. I knew enough about pregnancy and birth to know that I wanted an unmedicated birth. I knew I wanted to labor as long I needed too. I knew I didn't want an IV.
I had done the Bradley Method in the hospital with Aravis. Her birth was under seven hours and I really felt like I had done something amazing in birthing her without drugs or interventions. However, I hated the OB who showed up to deliver her. I had avoided making appointments with him throughout my prenatal care because he was condescending and rude. Unfortunately he was the OB on call when my daughter came into the world. So, he showed up at 2:30 in the morning, disregarded my birth plan, gave me an episiotomy, delivered my daughter and then pulled out the placenta. It was violating. He's the reason I opted for a Midwife the second time around.
What's sad is that the Midwife on call when Judah was born wasn't much different. She was understanding enough to let me labor long and hard, but initially refused to let me eat anything or even drink juice. She was invasive and controlling. I labored in triage for 9 hours before making it to a delivery room. Once in the room I started having panic attacks. My body was tired and weak and the thought of exerting enough energy to PUSH was overwhelming and terrifying. She ordered me to the bathtub to get things going. Nothing changed. She decided to break my water and didn't think to warn me that she was stripping my membranes at the same time. It was so shocking and so painful I screamed.
I kept dilating to 10cm and then coming back down to 8cm. Her solution (which I understand is somewhat common) was to use her fingers to push my cervix open during a contraction. If you've had this happen you know how excruciating this is. I finally refused to let her touch me ever again, so she hooked me up to an IV to administer pitocin.
By the time Judah was ready to come I couldn't hold up my head or any of my limbs. I was exhausted and completely out of control. To be honest, I barely remember my son being born. I remember my girlfriends, my husband, my mom and my mother in law holding up my legs, arms and head while I pushed. I remember thinking Judah was never coming out. I didn't have the strength to push him out and he just didn't seem to be moving. I've been told that I screamed, "F***!" every time I pushed. I just wanted to give up.
But he came out. Somehow. Mary says Judah did what he had to do. HE did the work.
It made me sad that I didn't feel any joy at seeing my son for the first time. All I could think about was being left alone. I didn't want to be touched and I didn't want to have to move. My Midwife stitched me up and they moved me to a recovery room. The room was a cave, with no windows and a shower that flooded the room whenever I turned it on. I had been in the recovery room for only a few moments when a nurse came in and started punching and pummeling my stomach without saying a word. I tried to lay still and it took all of my willpower to NOT punch her in the face and scream at her for touching me without even telling me her name. My husband left to get some air and i was left alone with Judah for two hours. I was exhausted and couldn't stop crying.
Now that I am seeing Mary I have learned so much more about birth, my own body, my baby and what this whole thing is really about. Every step of the way Mary has been calm, sensitive and knowledgeable. She schedules two hours for every appointment and explains every detail of my pregnancy to me. I am well prepared for the birth and have the freedom to ask any question I can think of. She listens to me, processes with me and has alleviated all of the fear left over from my previous births.
Tonight we talked about the strength of a well nourished body. We talked through the details of Judah's birth. We talked about the body's ability to deliver a baby WITHOUT me having to push.
We talked about Aravis' fear of the baby being hurt when we cut the umbilical cord and Mary looked her in the eyes and promised to never do ANYTHING that would ever hurt our baby. She explained WHY it won't hurt Daisy and we gave Aravis the option of cutting the cord when the time came.
This pregnancy has been overwhelmingly different. I am so thankful for the gift of my Midwife. I am so thankful for her philosophy of birth. I am so thankful that I know more now than I did then. I am so thankful that I am having Daisy at home. I am so thankful that I don't have anything to be afraid of.
Daisy is still head down and LOA. She is healthy and practicing her breathing movements. I have SUCH peace that Daisy will come when she's ready to come. For the first time I'm not worried about WHEN the baby comes. She'll be born at just the right time. And, when that time comes, I will be nourished and hydrated and encouraged. I will be safe and protected.
I am SO thankful for such a different experience; for an experience that is already redeeming the sorrow of the past.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Oh Tuesday
To celebrate my 37th week of pregnancy today I spent the afternoon wading through brown toilet water while bending over (miraculous) to sop it up with paper towels while my six year old held a plastic bag for me. This is the result of both toilets clogging at exactly the same time with apparently NOTHING. My frantically busy husband had mercy on me and took a few hours of out his day to rent a mechanical snake and fix the clog. However, because his day was so full, it left me to clean the hurricane type disaster left behind. We're talking about toilet water on every wall, in the bathtub, soaking the rugs, splashed up on the cabinets. Oh yes. It was disgusting. Dis-gusting.
So Aravis and I cleaned it all up - scrubbing, spraying, HOPING we got it all. And then we took a long long shower. Ick.
But the toilets work now. Thank God the toilets work. Did I mention I am 37 weeks pregnant? I had to make a Target run just to use the bathroom. Aravis had to go with Joe to Home Depot just so she could poop. I'm telling you - the kid was ready to poop in a bucket!
The rest of the afternoon was spent in my jammies, sitting in front of the fire, catching up on photo work. The toilet catastrophe is now a thing of the past and I am DEEPLY grateful that it did NOT wait to happen while I was giving birth. Somehow there is mercy in this whole thing :) The mercy is that it was only Tuesday (not Thanksgiving Thursday with a house full of people) and I am still 37 weeks pregnant. No wading through toilet water while in transition, thank you very much. Not the kind of water birth I have in mind :)
So Aravis and I cleaned it all up - scrubbing, spraying, HOPING we got it all. And then we took a long long shower. Ick.
But the toilets work now. Thank God the toilets work. Did I mention I am 37 weeks pregnant? I had to make a Target run just to use the bathroom. Aravis had to go with Joe to Home Depot just so she could poop. I'm telling you - the kid was ready to poop in a bucket!
The rest of the afternoon was spent in my jammies, sitting in front of the fire, catching up on photo work. The toilet catastrophe is now a thing of the past and I am DEEPLY grateful that it did NOT wait to happen while I was giving birth. Somehow there is mercy in this whole thing :) The mercy is that it was only Tuesday (not Thanksgiving Thursday with a house full of people) and I am still 37 weeks pregnant. No wading through toilet water while in transition, thank you very much. Not the kind of water birth I have in mind :)
Monday, November 22, 2010
One More For Today...
I've been scouring blogs all day. I love them :) I love the natural parenting blogs, I love the birthing blogs, I love the Jesus blogs. I love them all. I decided to check out John Eldredge's blog for the first time. (If you haven't picked up one of his books I SO recommend it. Wild At Heart changed the way I saw my husband and Captivated changed the way I saw myself). I stumbled onto a blog post titled Healing the Past. Aaaahhhh. Clearly I'm in this space of reliving my past (Judah's birth, etc), and I was so moved by his suggestion of praying through your past.
He says this, "I think God actually does this more often than we know. He'll bring up something that will trigger a memory - we might have a dream, or visit an old haunt of ours, we might see an old friend or sometimes all it takes is just a certain smell like cut grass or a donut shop and bam, we are back in some period of our life. In those moments, invite Jesus into it, into that period in your life. And linger there for a bit, allowing his Spirit to show you what to pray."
This is what I'm looking for. I don't need someone to erase what happened. I don't need someone to undo the sadness and loneliness from that time in my life. I need Jesus to come into that space and heal it. I need to surrender my sadness in the expectation that it will be replaced with acceptance. I need to remember that where the Spirit of the Lord is there is FREEDOM. Jesus was in that hospital room with me. Let me tell you. If there was ONE certain and unwavering Presence during those 27 hours it was the Creator and Sustainer. The Life Giver Himself stood watch over me.
Now that I am reliving some of those memories I am sensing His Presence again. Along with the sadness there is the a deep gratitude for who Judah is. He was born at exactly the right time. He is my reminder that Praise comes from knowing that God is good in the struggle. I made a choice to raise my heart in worship even when I felt abandoned by my husband. I found strength exactly where I needed to find it. And that is the gift that follows me here to Daisy's time. She is an accumulation of all of our hard work and sacrifice. She is a testament of my husband's humility and real heart change. Daisy represents new life for all of us.
And THIS time in our lives would not be as significant or powerful without having first experienced THAT time in our lives.
Thank you John Eldredge for the reminder...
He says this, "I think God actually does this more often than we know. He'll bring up something that will trigger a memory - we might have a dream, or visit an old haunt of ours, we might see an old friend or sometimes all it takes is just a certain smell like cut grass or a donut shop and bam, we are back in some period of our life. In those moments, invite Jesus into it, into that period in your life. And linger there for a bit, allowing his Spirit to show you what to pray."
This is what I'm looking for. I don't need someone to erase what happened. I don't need someone to undo the sadness and loneliness from that time in my life. I need Jesus to come into that space and heal it. I need to surrender my sadness in the expectation that it will be replaced with acceptance. I need to remember that where the Spirit of the Lord is there is FREEDOM. Jesus was in that hospital room with me. Let me tell you. If there was ONE certain and unwavering Presence during those 27 hours it was the Creator and Sustainer. The Life Giver Himself stood watch over me.
Now that I am reliving some of those memories I am sensing His Presence again. Along with the sadness there is the a deep gratitude for who Judah is. He was born at exactly the right time. He is my reminder that Praise comes from knowing that God is good in the struggle. I made a choice to raise my heart in worship even when I felt abandoned by my husband. I found strength exactly where I needed to find it. And that is the gift that follows me here to Daisy's time. She is an accumulation of all of our hard work and sacrifice. She is a testament of my husband's humility and real heart change. Daisy represents new life for all of us.
And THIS time in our lives would not be as significant or powerful without having first experienced THAT time in our lives.
Thank you John Eldredge for the reminder...
Intention
This is day one of intentional resting. So far so good. My parents (who we are blessed to live with in this season of our lives) kept my kids out of my room all morning to let me sleep in a little bit. Then my dad took Aravis to school so I could eat breakfast and climb back under my warm sheets. Judah and I snuggled for a good couple of hours, watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and exchanging, "I love yous". He's a very affectionate 2 year old :)
I realized, while cuddling my little bug, that I haven't had much snuggle time lately. I've been so consumed with my own overwhelming circumstances that I have neglected one of Judah's favorite activities! He has been the happiest little boy all morning - and it shows. He keeps telling me he loves me and patting my cheek. He's cute :)
I'm still having braxton hicks, but my body is so much more rested. I'm already feeling the sweetness of just releasing into where I am.
However, I can feel the nesting instinct creeping up on me again. I won't last long on my bed. But I'm being INTENTIONAL. I'm making a choice. So, I'll move slow.
My girlfriend suggested short walks and yoga for the next few weeks. She's wise. I haven't even touched my yoga mat in weeks. And, for someone who lives and breathes Holy Yoga, this is a BIG deal. Even if it's just me, my mat and my itunes in my own bedroom, I need to utilize my yoga training for the sake of my sanity. Maybe tonight?
Judah and I are going to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and snuggle some more before naptime. After we pick up Aravis from school we're going to make our way to the Chiropractor. And then I have big plans to watch Chuck with my parents with a fire in the fireplace (because, yes, it IS that cold at night now). That's my whole day. Tomorrow, I'm back to photo editing, but RESTFULLY.... peacefully.
I realized, while cuddling my little bug, that I haven't had much snuggle time lately. I've been so consumed with my own overwhelming circumstances that I have neglected one of Judah's favorite activities! He has been the happiest little boy all morning - and it shows. He keeps telling me he loves me and patting my cheek. He's cute :)
I'm still having braxton hicks, but my body is so much more rested. I'm already feeling the sweetness of just releasing into where I am.
However, I can feel the nesting instinct creeping up on me again. I won't last long on my bed. But I'm being INTENTIONAL. I'm making a choice. So, I'll move slow.
My girlfriend suggested short walks and yoga for the next few weeks. She's wise. I haven't even touched my yoga mat in weeks. And, for someone who lives and breathes Holy Yoga, this is a BIG deal. Even if it's just me, my mat and my itunes in my own bedroom, I need to utilize my yoga training for the sake of my sanity. Maybe tonight?
Judah and I are going to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and snuggle some more before naptime. After we pick up Aravis from school we're going to make our way to the Chiropractor. And then I have big plans to watch Chuck with my parents with a fire in the fireplace (because, yes, it IS that cold at night now). That's my whole day. Tomorrow, I'm back to photo editing, but RESTFULLY.... peacefully.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
One Day Closer
We spent our Sunday in Buckeye, AZ which is halfway to California. Seriously. It's far. But it was SO worth it because our teeny tiny nephew, Jack, lives in Buckeye. This was Aravis and Judah's first time meeting Jack. He's been around for three weeks now, but we keep getting sick and definitely didn't want to expose a newborn to our germs. We are now happily germ free and spent our day snuggling the cutest little man.
One more bonus was hanging out with Joe's sister Melanie. Now that they live so far away we rarely get to see her and it was SO fun to sit and talk with her again. I keep hoping they will move closer to us so the cousins can all grow up next door to each other. Sounds perfect, right? ;)
I am also on day six of hard and painful braxton hicks contractions. I'm having a lot of pre-labor stuff going on in my body and it's been exhausting. As of Monday I wasn't dilated at all, but Daisy's head was good and low. Since Tuesday I've been waking up all night long with pressure and hard contractions (which don't progress - they just keep me awake) and spending every day exhausted and contracting.
This is my third pregnancy so I know by now that this is NOT labor, just my body preparing for labor. It's taking it's toll on me though. I've finally realized that my job between now and Daisy's arrival is to intentionally rest and nourish my body. I remember how terrified I was to birth Judah simply because I hadn't had anything to eat. I KNEW I didn't have the energy to push him out and was so scared to even attempt it. So, for now, I'm going to eat and rest. :)
I'm so thankful for how supportive my family is right now. This is such a fragile time for all of us. All of the processing over the past 8 months have brought me here to these last few days/weeks. The most traumatic part of my pregnancy with Judah was the birth, so I am really aware of how easily turned I am right now. One moment I am so at peace and ready to softly bring my girl into our family, and the next I am reliving the circumstances of my last pregnancy.
In THIS moment though, I am relaxed and ready. I am watching Daisy's little limbs roll under my belly and I can't wait to hold her - no matter what the price. She is the promise at the very end of this long pregnancy. She is the reward. She is worth every painful braxton hicks contraction. She is worth all of the uncomfortable pelvic pressure. She is worth every backache. She is worth tired feet and migraines. She is worth it all.
One more day down. One more day closer to holding Daisy.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Balance Please
36 weeks pregnant and I've realized that my peace is slipping.
Every single moment of this pregnancy has been therapeutic. I've had to process past sorrow and sadness while partaking in present joy and beauty. Despite the sad memories, these past 36 weeks have been healing. In facing the darkness I have found immeasurable light. I've discovered new waves of mercy; new fountains of grace.
I've truly experienced the "unforced rhythms of grace".
So yesterday, while panicking and hurrying and crying, I was overwhelmed to find that this constant peace was slipping away from me. Instead of the deep surrender to the circumstances of my life in the moment, I was tightening up. Tension was pouring in on me from every angle.
Yes, I have a lot to do right now. There is a lot on my plate. But it makes me sad to see how empty my anxiety makes me. Where I was full and overflowing, I've become dried out and shallow.
My body has been working hard. I've had hard braxton hicks contractions for almost 3 days now. I'm TIRED.
I've been working all day long for days to try to finish up all of my photo editing before Miss Daisy makes an appearance. I'm mentally tired...
But why does it matter?
Because, right now, I am gloriously pregnant. I am deeply loved and provided for. My children are full of excitement and anticipation. I am fully prepared for my very first home birth. I am nourished and hydrated. I'm ready.
The last time I was this close to birth my heart was heavy - I was so alone and rejected. I faced every second of that season by myself, scared and lonely. If not for the sisterhood of my friends and my family I would have been lost. God sustained me then, guarding and bolstering me.
Maybe I'm anxious now because of how life was then.
But this time I am facing labor WITH my husband. This time I don't have to be afraid of being bullied or coerced by hospital staff. This time I will see all THREE of my children's faces at the same time. I will recover in my own bed surrounded by the people I love. This time is different.
So, today, I've decided to stop and breathe. I'm going to let these braxton hicks contractions do their job and I'm going to enjoy these last few days/weeks of pregnancy.
Because EVERY second of this pregnancy, though painful or joyful, is redeeming something broken in me.
Every single moment of this pregnancy has been therapeutic. I've had to process past sorrow and sadness while partaking in present joy and beauty. Despite the sad memories, these past 36 weeks have been healing. In facing the darkness I have found immeasurable light. I've discovered new waves of mercy; new fountains of grace.
I've truly experienced the "unforced rhythms of grace".
So yesterday, while panicking and hurrying and crying, I was overwhelmed to find that this constant peace was slipping away from me. Instead of the deep surrender to the circumstances of my life in the moment, I was tightening up. Tension was pouring in on me from every angle.
Yes, I have a lot to do right now. There is a lot on my plate. But it makes me sad to see how empty my anxiety makes me. Where I was full and overflowing, I've become dried out and shallow.
My body has been working hard. I've had hard braxton hicks contractions for almost 3 days now. I'm TIRED.
I've been working all day long for days to try to finish up all of my photo editing before Miss Daisy makes an appearance. I'm mentally tired...
But why does it matter?
Because, right now, I am gloriously pregnant. I am deeply loved and provided for. My children are full of excitement and anticipation. I am fully prepared for my very first home birth. I am nourished and hydrated. I'm ready.
The last time I was this close to birth my heart was heavy - I was so alone and rejected. I faced every second of that season by myself, scared and lonely. If not for the sisterhood of my friends and my family I would have been lost. God sustained me then, guarding and bolstering me.
Maybe I'm anxious now because of how life was then.
But this time I am facing labor WITH my husband. This time I don't have to be afraid of being bullied or coerced by hospital staff. This time I will see all THREE of my children's faces at the same time. I will recover in my own bed surrounded by the people I love. This time is different.
So, today, I've decided to stop and breathe. I'm going to let these braxton hicks contractions do their job and I'm going to enjoy these last few days/weeks of pregnancy.
Because EVERY second of this pregnancy, though painful or joyful, is redeeming something broken in me.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Their Own Roads
I pray with my kids at least twice a day - on the way to school in the morning and at night before they go to sleep. Usually it's just me praying, although every now and then Aravis jumps in with a long list of people for God to protect. Judah, however, is not interested in praying at all. It doesn't bother me because he's TWO.
We've already decided that we don't ever want to force our kids to follow the rules of the church. We don't want to teach them that they have to pray a certain way or worship a certain way. We want the relationship they have with Jesus to be genuine and messy (if need be). So, rather than force Judah to pray, I've looked for ways to reveal his NEED for Jesus.
Our kids have been going through a mean phase lately. They fight, they manipulate, they tattle, they scream, they hit. It's been exhausting. I live for the rare moments when they LIKE being together. So, we've been talking about heart changes - not necessarily behavior changes. We've been encouraging them to step back and change their heart before apologizing or changing their behavior. Again, we want them to experience the authentic movement of the Spirit of God - not just a different way of acting or talking.
The other night when I was putting them to bed it occurred to me to ASK them what they felt they NEEDED God's help with. I was so surprised by their deep responses. Aravis said she needed help learning to be nice to her brother, making healthier food choices, and being patient. Judah said he needed help having a happier heart. Um.... I was speechless. THEN it occurred to me that we could pray for each other. I told them what I needed help with and then we went in a little circle. Aravis prayed for Judah, Judah prayed for me and I prayed for Aravis. It was AWESOME.
We did it again last night and THIS time we read from the Jesus Storybook Bible first (if you don't own a copy it will be the BEST investment in your children and your OWN journey towards Jesus). We read about King David asking God for a new, clean heart. HELLO! My kids jumped right on that. THEY have been asking for new hearts too! So, when we told each other our needs Aravis said she needed a "fresh and clean heart". This time Aravis prayed for me, I prayed for Judah and Judah prayed for Aravis.
I am so aware that God has answered my own heart's desire. He's made a very simple way for my kids to identify the empty spaces in their lives so that they can rely on HIM. I am so in love with the honest sound of those little voices praying for each other - and for me.
I've been so careful to not make our new bedtime routine about teaching them anything. I want them to get the chance to express their hearts without a lesson jumping up in their faces. As a fellow human being I know how important it is to have the chance to just lay it out there and to hear another human being enter INTO your heart's struggle by praying for you.
I want them to travel their own road to Jesus. I am certain that it won't look exactly like my road. That's okay. Every road basically leads nowhere, right? It's the road that Jesus travels to us that makes all the difference.
We've already decided that we don't ever want to force our kids to follow the rules of the church. We don't want to teach them that they have to pray a certain way or worship a certain way. We want the relationship they have with Jesus to be genuine and messy (if need be). So, rather than force Judah to pray, I've looked for ways to reveal his NEED for Jesus.
Our kids have been going through a mean phase lately. They fight, they manipulate, they tattle, they scream, they hit. It's been exhausting. I live for the rare moments when they LIKE being together. So, we've been talking about heart changes - not necessarily behavior changes. We've been encouraging them to step back and change their heart before apologizing or changing their behavior. Again, we want them to experience the authentic movement of the Spirit of God - not just a different way of acting or talking.
The other night when I was putting them to bed it occurred to me to ASK them what they felt they NEEDED God's help with. I was so surprised by their deep responses. Aravis said she needed help learning to be nice to her brother, making healthier food choices, and being patient. Judah said he needed help having a happier heart. Um.... I was speechless. THEN it occurred to me that we could pray for each other. I told them what I needed help with and then we went in a little circle. Aravis prayed for Judah, Judah prayed for me and I prayed for Aravis. It was AWESOME.
We did it again last night and THIS time we read from the Jesus Storybook Bible first (if you don't own a copy it will be the BEST investment in your children and your OWN journey towards Jesus). We read about King David asking God for a new, clean heart. HELLO! My kids jumped right on that. THEY have been asking for new hearts too! So, when we told each other our needs Aravis said she needed a "fresh and clean heart". This time Aravis prayed for me, I prayed for Judah and Judah prayed for Aravis.
I am so aware that God has answered my own heart's desire. He's made a very simple way for my kids to identify the empty spaces in their lives so that they can rely on HIM. I am so in love with the honest sound of those little voices praying for each other - and for me.
I've been so careful to not make our new bedtime routine about teaching them anything. I want them to get the chance to express their hearts without a lesson jumping up in their faces. As a fellow human being I know how important it is to have the chance to just lay it out there and to hear another human being enter INTO your heart's struggle by praying for you.
I want them to travel their own road to Jesus. I am certain that it won't look exactly like my road. That's okay. Every road basically leads nowhere, right? It's the road that Jesus travels to us that makes all the difference.
Monday, November 8, 2010
The Other Side of Parenting
Although Daisy is my third baby I am definitely feeling much more educated and prepared for her birth - and for parenting all three of my kids after her birth. I've developed a giant addiction for natural parenting blogs and websites. It's where I spend my free time :)
When Aravis was born I instinctively wanted to co-sleep (not even knowing it was a "thing"), breastfeed and make my own decisions regarding vaccinations. I didn't know anyone who had these same instincts and I almost felt like I needed to hide the fact that I hadn't put her on a feeding/sleeping schedule or gotten her vaccinated. I felt a lot of pressure to feed her solids early on, but truly felt like breast milk was doing the job. I was a vegetarian, but felt guilty for not feeding her meat - the whole world seemed to be going in the opposite direction!
As a result I wavered on some things that I had honestly felt were deeply important. I fed her chicken after her first birthday and I forced myself to let her sleep some nights in a pack n play in her own room. I didn't make these decisions because I felt they were best for her - I made them because I felt like I was somehow a bad mom if I didn't.
By the time Judah was born I was a little more aware of the alternate parenting world. Thanks to the Internet I was able to read about other parent's experiences with co-sleeping, not vaccinating and attachment parenting. Judah was a different breed of baby and didn't actually LIKE sleeping in our bed. He wanted to stretch out, unhindered. So, we set up the bassinet right next to our bed and that is where he slept for the first year of his life. Breastfeeding at night was still relatively easy because he was within arm's reach and I never had to worry about whether or not he was breathing.
However, the circumstances of our lives and our marriage were hellish and I had 6 breast infections within the first 5 months of his life. I weighed the options, realizing that I couldn't even function well enough to take care of my two kids and weaned Judah onto formula. I researched every kind of formula on the market and went with the lesser evil. It was incredibly expensive and really discouraging for me to give up yet another conviction towards natural parenting. Judah had multiple allergies and it took him a long time (and lots of vitamin d, grapefruit seed extract and elderberry) to work it out of his system.
I had also become a vegan around the time I had Judah and THIS TIME I was determined to not feed my kids meat or dairy. My husband was worried that Judah would be a small weakling if he didn't get "enough" protein in his diet, but agreed to try it. He was admittedly shocked by our robust, strong little vegan tank. And I am so thankful that I didn't give into the pressure to feed him the way everyone else was feeding their kids. Judah will choose a carrot stick over a piece of chocolate any day. He is adventurous and always willing to try new foods. He loves vegetables and beans and brown rice. And he is oh so healthy.
Aravis is another story - she only wants pasta, bread or sugar. It's a daily battle to get nutritious, healthy food in her belly. It makes me truly believe that what you start your children out with will shape what they are drawn to for the rest of their lives.
Along the way I've made decisions that I wasn't comfortable with - only to conform to the world around me. I've learned that those decisions didn't actually benefit any of us. They only made us more socially acceptable. These days I'm not so concerned with being socially acceptable. I'd rather be comfortable with the way I am raising my kids. I'd much rather do what I know is best for the individual human beings who are relying on me for their nourishment, health, acceptance and safety. I want to know that I did right by my kids. I want to know that I did my very best to raise them to do what is right for them - without being afraid of what other people will think of their choices. My kids are my priority. My kids are my life.
So, now that I am getting ready to add Daisy to our family, I am researching my birth options, diapering options, baby wearing, breastfeeding and co sleeping options. I am finding so much peace in just parenting MY way. I love to read about other people's experiences. I love to know that I am not the only weird parent out there. :)
When Aravis was born I instinctively wanted to co-sleep (not even knowing it was a "thing"), breastfeed and make my own decisions regarding vaccinations. I didn't know anyone who had these same instincts and I almost felt like I needed to hide the fact that I hadn't put her on a feeding/sleeping schedule or gotten her vaccinated. I felt a lot of pressure to feed her solids early on, but truly felt like breast milk was doing the job. I was a vegetarian, but felt guilty for not feeding her meat - the whole world seemed to be going in the opposite direction!
As a result I wavered on some things that I had honestly felt were deeply important. I fed her chicken after her first birthday and I forced myself to let her sleep some nights in a pack n play in her own room. I didn't make these decisions because I felt they were best for her - I made them because I felt like I was somehow a bad mom if I didn't.
By the time Judah was born I was a little more aware of the alternate parenting world. Thanks to the Internet I was able to read about other parent's experiences with co-sleeping, not vaccinating and attachment parenting. Judah was a different breed of baby and didn't actually LIKE sleeping in our bed. He wanted to stretch out, unhindered. So, we set up the bassinet right next to our bed and that is where he slept for the first year of his life. Breastfeeding at night was still relatively easy because he was within arm's reach and I never had to worry about whether or not he was breathing.
However, the circumstances of our lives and our marriage were hellish and I had 6 breast infections within the first 5 months of his life. I weighed the options, realizing that I couldn't even function well enough to take care of my two kids and weaned Judah onto formula. I researched every kind of formula on the market and went with the lesser evil. It was incredibly expensive and really discouraging for me to give up yet another conviction towards natural parenting. Judah had multiple allergies and it took him a long time (and lots of vitamin d, grapefruit seed extract and elderberry) to work it out of his system.
I had also become a vegan around the time I had Judah and THIS TIME I was determined to not feed my kids meat or dairy. My husband was worried that Judah would be a small weakling if he didn't get "enough" protein in his diet, but agreed to try it. He was admittedly shocked by our robust, strong little vegan tank. And I am so thankful that I didn't give into the pressure to feed him the way everyone else was feeding their kids. Judah will choose a carrot stick over a piece of chocolate any day. He is adventurous and always willing to try new foods. He loves vegetables and beans and brown rice. And he is oh so healthy.
Aravis is another story - she only wants pasta, bread or sugar. It's a daily battle to get nutritious, healthy food in her belly. It makes me truly believe that what you start your children out with will shape what they are drawn to for the rest of their lives.
Along the way I've made decisions that I wasn't comfortable with - only to conform to the world around me. I've learned that those decisions didn't actually benefit any of us. They only made us more socially acceptable. These days I'm not so concerned with being socially acceptable. I'd rather be comfortable with the way I am raising my kids. I'd much rather do what I know is best for the individual human beings who are relying on me for their nourishment, health, acceptance and safety. I want to know that I did right by my kids. I want to know that I did my very best to raise them to do what is right for them - without being afraid of what other people will think of their choices. My kids are my priority. My kids are my life.
So, now that I am getting ready to add Daisy to our family, I am researching my birth options, diapering options, baby wearing, breastfeeding and co sleeping options. I am finding so much peace in just parenting MY way. I love to read about other people's experiences. I love to know that I am not the only weird parent out there. :)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Jack
My nephew Jack was born last night! I'm going to meet him this afternoon, but my husband Joe was SO lucky and got to meet him last night. We are so excited to welcome Jack into our family. We're especially excited for Daisy to have a cousin her age to grow up with.
Jack is so handsome and perfect - how could I NOT share his sweet face?!
And Then We Rest
This is just one of those moments that should never end. I spent the entire morning cleaning like a mad woman and now I am just sitting here - exhausted. The window is wide open and there is an amazing 80 degree breeze billowing into the curtains. Everything smells sweet and fresh and clean. My kids are playing quietly together. I am fed and hydrated. I am content.
My life seems to be riding on a slow and soft wave lately. There is a general peace everywhere (with random small exceptions). I feel purposeful. I feel deliberately close to a soft breaking.
I am so thankful for moments like these. Human life is so full of tension and stress. We spend so much of our time worrying, arguing and doing. The more I live the more I see the incredible value in simply soaking in an accomplished and peaceful moment.
We do what is ours to do and then we rest.
My life seems to be riding on a slow and soft wave lately. There is a general peace everywhere (with random small exceptions). I feel purposeful. I feel deliberately close to a soft breaking.
I am so thankful for moments like these. Human life is so full of tension and stress. We spend so much of our time worrying, arguing and doing. The more I live the more I see the incredible value in simply soaking in an accomplished and peaceful moment.
We do what is ours to do and then we rest.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Help!
Since we live with my parents, and there are quite a few of us to feed, my mama and I have a plan to make (and freeze) lots and lots of meals for the weeks following Daisy's birth.
Dilemma Number One: I have zero desire to cook anything - even pasta - these days.
Dilemma Number Two: Half of us are vegans and the other half are carnivores.
So, to all of my sweet friends who ENJOY cooking, HELP! We need simple, vegan friendly meal ideas! I'd really like to be able to spend a day putting everything together so that we can relax knowing that meals are covered!
Since Joe and my parents will be taking over all of my regular jobs - school drop offs and pick ups, lunches, laundry, cleaning and Judah duty - I'm hoping dinner will be one less thing to worry about! :)
If you have any ideas or recipes, post them as a comment and I will be ETERNALLY grateful!
LOVE to you all!
Dilemma Number One: I have zero desire to cook anything - even pasta - these days.
Dilemma Number Two: Half of us are vegans and the other half are carnivores.
So, to all of my sweet friends who ENJOY cooking, HELP! We need simple, vegan friendly meal ideas! I'd really like to be able to spend a day putting everything together so that we can relax knowing that meals are covered!
Since Joe and my parents will be taking over all of my regular jobs - school drop offs and pick ups, lunches, laundry, cleaning and Judah duty - I'm hoping dinner will be one less thing to worry about! :)
If you have any ideas or recipes, post them as a comment and I will be ETERNALLY grateful!
LOVE to you all!
Birth Dreams
I've been researching breech births and things to do to turn a baby who is breech. I've kind of decided to just leave her alone. If Daisy wants to turn she'll turn. However, I AM talking to her and asking her to turn. Last night when I laid down I started explaining the birthing process and why it would be so much easier and smoother if she turned. My sweet little girl started stretching and kicking - almost painfully. It was so interesting to experience her response to my voice - maybe even on a deeper level.
At 4:30 this morning I had the most intense, realistic dream. I dreamt that I was giving birth to Daisy. It was so calm and so relaxed that we forgot to call the midwife until she was crowning and almost here. In my dream I never felt rushed or anxious or afraid. My little Daisy just moved herself down, head first, and was born without all of the sadness of my last birth. And then there she was - perfect and whole. The dream was so real that it woke me up. I just laid there - unsure if she was really here, or really about to just fall out.
All of this to say - I have SUCH confidence that Daisy will come head first into this world. I am so certain that my body, and my baby, are preparing for the ANTICIPATED day of her birth. Every time I dream about her I feel closer to her. I already feel like I know, and have held, my little girl. I can't wait to meet her. :)
At 4:30 this morning I had the most intense, realistic dream. I dreamt that I was giving birth to Daisy. It was so calm and so relaxed that we forgot to call the midwife until she was crowning and almost here. In my dream I never felt rushed or anxious or afraid. My little Daisy just moved herself down, head first, and was born without all of the sadness of my last birth. And then there she was - perfect and whole. The dream was so real that it woke me up. I just laid there - unsure if she was really here, or really about to just fall out.
All of this to say - I have SUCH confidence that Daisy will come head first into this world. I am so certain that my body, and my baby, are preparing for the ANTICIPATED day of her birth. Every time I dream about her I feel closer to her. I already feel like I know, and have held, my little girl. I can't wait to meet her. :)
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