Day Six!

It has been pouring rain the last few days. Rain is a seriously beautiful thing in our desert. We rarely get this much free water.

I took Aravis out to get party supplies for Judah's 2nd birthday and, just walking up to the store, she was up to her ankles in water! I'm sure it needs no explanation since she is 4, but we had a lot of fun running through the rain to get to and from the truck. :)

This has been a soup filled day. I've actually been having a lot of fun trying new vegan soup recipes and there is nothing like warm soup on a cold night. Yummmm....

We ended our day with the most delicious minestrone soup (made by my loving husband while I soaked up some Jesus on my Holy Yoga Master's call).

I've learned a lot about my own ickiness this week. It makes me think of a story I read once by St Anthony, who was one of the original desert fathers (don't hate me if I don't remember every word...). He was talking about what happened when he first sold everything and entered the desert to be alone with God. His experience was that the great abyss of his humanity opened up in front of him and he was confronted with his anger and greed. He became aware, in that vast and lonely space, that he was a mess. He had to stare his messy self in the face before he could ever be free from it.

Yep. In a very small way, I am St Anthony in the desert this week. Let me tell you, a great abyss of my own humanity has opened up in front of me and I don't love what I've seen. But if I never looked it in the face, wouldn't it always hide just under the surface in me, affecting everything I said, did, and thought?

My own anger and self loathing have dictated the culture of my life. They shape the way I believe Jesus looks at me. They tell me how others look at me. They consume how I look at me. And all of that affects how I look at God. Mostly because I am too busy looking at me to look at Him. I'm seeing God through the filter of me, rather than seeing me through the filter of God.

This cleanse was so much more than I had expected. I've discovered something new about who I am, physically and spiritually. I can be stretched much farther than I had thought.

And I am still this messy, selfish, prideful human being.

I face a crossroads here....

I could so easily lay down the law for myself. I could dive into rules that would force me to be something new. I could find ways to use my self loathing to create change in me.

Or I could settle on one thing....

That everything hinges on the love of God.

I could fall back.

Messy and gross and mean.

I could just be what I am and trust that God will keep his hands all over me, shaping me as the wheel of my life spins.

After all.... He is the potter ....

I am the clay.

That's plain enough, isn't it? You're no longer wandering exiles. This kingdom of faith is now your home country. You're no longer strangers or outsiders. You belong here, with as much right to the name Christian as anyone. God is building a home. He's using us all - irrespective of how we got here - in what he is building
Ephesians 2:19