On to a New Space

It's Thursday again.

Thursday means I'm on to another spiritual discipline.

I learned a lot about prayer last week. Mostly I learned how easily I am drawn AWAY from prayer. I experienced something new, fresh and clean in my exploration of true prayer. I swam through new waves and perched on new cliffs.

And what I walked away with is a deep realization that nothing, not even prayer, depends on me one bit. We walk this very fine line of what is OUR work to do and what is GOD'S work to do. We read scriptures that tell us to work out our salvation. We have lists, and entire books of the bible, telling us how to live right. We spend most of our lives trying to sort out the tangled caverns of our souls. We weigh love against truth and salvation against human nature. And what are we left with?

Striving. Pushing. Breathless, hopeless worthlessness.

Because it isn't up to us. It doesn't depend on us.

Because the bible ALSO says that it doesn't depend on our desire or effort.

Because Jesus himself said that everything hinges on love.

And love is a free gift. Not bought. Not earned. Not conjured up.

Free. Complete. Whole.

So, in my weak attempts to truly pray - to glue myself to the Spirit (thanks Cali!) - I've found that I am a total failure.

And if it were about failure or success then I would leave this week feeling hopeless and discouraged. But it has never been about MY work.

Whether or not I get myself up to pray every day will never affect the matter of my salvation.

I have been saved. I have been rescued. I have been set free.

Nothing can ever alter that concrete truth. Nothing can stand in it's way.

Because my salvation came from love.

And everything hinges on love.

Prayer will simply change the way I view my Rescuer.

Prayer determines the softness and stillness of my heart.

Prayer allows me to live out my salvation with joy and laughter.

And true prayer keeps me clear enough, aware enough, to cease my blubbering tendencies to DO rather than BE.

Prayer keeps me focused. But that is not my work. Prayer is HIS work.

He's opened the door and allowed me in. He's invited me to sit comfortably, drink a green smoothie (cause he knows i LOVE them), and uncover life together. He laughs with me. He cries with me. He listens to my small understanding of scripture, people, and my own inner workings. He patiently listens to the long list of things I hate about myself - knowing that my battle is not really about getting out of my mess, but allowing him into it.

After a week of attempting to touch the great mystery of conversation with the Beloved, I'm setting foot on new ground.... well, on very ancient ground.

This week my intention is meditation, silence and solitude.

I'm especially drawn to the meditation used by the Desert Fathers called Hesychasm.

In a nutshell the Hesychastic practice involves acquiring an inner stillness and ignoring the physical senses.

But it is deep. It is full. It is organic and full of breath and life. It centers on this simple heart cry, "Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."

I am excited. I'm already feeling a strong pull to go sit on the mountain by my house, soak in the sun, and open my heart to this beautiful form of meditation.

I'll let you know ;)