Mama

For years my marriage was painful and disjointed. I was a wreck - tired and overwhelmed. I was emotionally starving and, literally, living in survival mode.

I have loved my children in every single moment of sorrow.... but I haven’t enjoyed them.

I had to learn to show love and affection even when I was completely empty.

I had to learn to place their needs over my intense sense of being lost.

I had to make sure THEY survived, even if I was drowning.

And then came the breaking point; the moment when I stopped shouldering my marriage and just let it fall.

Sweet, excruciating freedom.

When Joe moved out there was nothing left for me to do - my kids crumbled.

Thank God for my faithful friends that helped shoulder the immense weight of keeping my kids afloat.

It was the most painful moment of being a mama. Watching my little girl cry because daddy wasn’t here.... ah, Jesus....

But I have been watching God heal that wound - even the wounds I didn’t really know were there.

We are just starting our second year of Life Partners and, already, I am being broken open and put back together.

I hadn’t realized how altered my relationship with Aravis had been. Ever since I got pregnant with Judah I stopped having the emotional capacity to connect with her in the way I had before.

I was exhausted and rejected. I was carrying everything. And, somewhere along the way, I stopped being able to be anything more than a broken shell of a mama.

My sweet girl has been carrying more than a four year old should ever be expected to carry. And it breaks my heart.

Here is where the Rescuer comes in.

God is healing me; putting the pieces where they go.

And for the first time in YEARS I am enjoying every moment of being a mama.

As I experience the affection of God for me, I am experiencing a holy affection for my babies.

The things that I was merely surviving before have become the things that I love.

I have such joy in my children; in their laughter and games, in their bumps and cuddles.... every moment of mommyhood is filled with joy and love.

I am overcome with gratitude and awe. This Rescuer is healing the most tender and necessary parts of my heart.

The inner spaces in me that had once been battered and weary are coming alive again.

And I didn’t even know to ASK for this.

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust-- there may yet be hope. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men. “
-Lamentations