Yes, We Are One Of "Those" Families

My babies are always born smack in the middle of RSV season. Ugh. In fact, Judah actually HAD RSV when he was a month old. It was a scary, exhausting experience which included a hospital visit and lots of breathing treatments, followed by a year of respiratory issues and weird sensitivities to EVERYTHING.

So, I'm obviously wanting to avoid the sickies with Daisy. Clearly, I can't control EVERYTHING, but I can limit her exposure to germies for the first few months. I may seem like a crazy mama, but I just don't care. ;)

We've set up some boundaries for the sake of Daisy. We're actually not letting anyone hold or touch her right now (outside of the people who live in our house). When someone DOES hold her they must wash their hands first. When the kids (or adults) go to the park, or other heavily populated places, they have to take a shower and change their clothes as soon as they get home. We're all taking grapefruit seed extract, elderberry, vitamin d and multi vitamins. And, finally, I'm making sure Daisy is getting as much breast milk as her little heart desires.

This is how we fight the flu in this house. We're not rushing out for flu vaccines. We're just being careful and responsible with our exposure to the germs that are floating around our world right now. Obviously these aren't permanent rules. I'm aware that some germs are necessary for immune boosting and SOMEDAY Daisy will get sick. We just need to get through the nasty season.

I want to know - how does YOUR family fight flu/RSV season?

I'm Learning....

Things I've learned about life since Daisy:

1. Some newborns DO sleep well at night - time to stop hating all those mamas with easy newborns since I seem to now be one...

2. Three is better than two. I loved being a mama to my two kids and, somehow, adding one more makes things fantastically even better.

3. Family is necessary for survival. If not for my husband, mama and dad helping me (aka: doing everything for me) right now I would probably never recover ;)

4. Patience. I want to get up out of bed and clean and play and work out and go shopping and get my nails done and organize the house.... I'm really really trying to respect my midwife's orders to stay in bed for 7-10 days. It's an eternity.

5. Surrender. I may have given birth, but my uterus is still large and in charge. First there are the afterpains making me feel like I am in the middle of having my period aaaand... let's be honest. My baby is 5 days old. I still look 4 months pregnant. But it's okay.... I think. I seem to have some new appreciation for the hard work my belly has done over the past 10 months. For some reason it's easier to surrender to the fact that it is what it is right now. Ask me again next week ;)

6. It's okay to lock the door and hide out for a little while. I'm finding that I need a little more time to just adjust and soak in my new little family than I thought I would. My kids are still getting used to everything - hell, I'M still getting used to everything! We've decided to not receive visitors until next week. It's like a big, heaving sigh of relief. Plus, it will make next week all the more fun!

7. Laundry. If I thought it was out of control BEFORE we added a newborn to the mix, I was surely mistaken. My poor mama has been switching load after load of clothes, cloth diapers and towels since yesterday morning. And, due to Daisy's tinkle accident this morning, I'm about to add my sheets to the pile.

8. Which leads me to cloth diapers. I LOVE THEM. I am kicking myself for not using them all along! Daisy has been in cloth all five days of her life and, not only are they easy, but they are saving the planet! Yay for cloth!

Is there anything more spiritual than new life? Everything she does seems so Divine and beautiful. Every breath is so perfectly sustained by the Creator and I am so, so thankful to be Daisy's mama.

Daisy Anabelle Suzanne

We had the most amazing Christmas Eve. Daisy Anabelle Suzanne was born at 10:54pm after weeks of early labor and about 5 hours of active labor.

I'm going to give you ALL the info on her birth, so if you DON'T want to know about things like bloody show, then this is not the post for you! :)

On Thursday (the day before Christmas Eve) I went to an acupuncturist to try to stimulate active labor. It was my first experience with acupuncture and I was a little surprised by how it felt. The needles themselves didn't hurt, but once she worked them for a few seconds it felt like an electrical shock in my hands, back, legs and feet. During the treatment I felt really hot and sweaty, which she said was my body releasing heat and it was a GOOD thing.

That night I woke up probably every hour or so with contractions that were hard enough to wake me up, but easy enough that I could go back to sleep when they were over. At 2am I woke up feeling deeply hot and overheated. It was more than just physical heat - it felt like the same internal, energetic heat I had felt during my acupuncture treatment. I turned on the fan and eventually fell back to sleep.

I woke up Christmas Eve realizing that my contractions had changed. Although they were 20-45 minutes apart they had turned the corner and were HARD labor contractions. I had been losing my mucous plug for over a week, but that morning I had bloody show. At this point I KNEW things were progressing and Daisy would be here by Christmas. I tried to rest as much as possible, but spent some time on the ball and walking around the house and the neighborhood.

We had planned to go to my Mother in Law's house for a family Christmas dinner at 3pm, but by the time it was time to leave I realized that I was IN labor and, although it would probably still be a long time till Daisy was born, I couldn't just get in the car and go to a party. So, we stayed home and timed my contractions. They were still 10-30 minutes apart and Joe called Mary (our Midwife) to let her know where we were at.

At about 5:30pm Mary decided that she was going to just come check me. She got here about 6pm and I was at 8cm! My contractions were still far apart and irregular - I was seriously shocked that I had progressed so much. At that point everything changed. I got shaky and a little scared and my contractions started coming at about every 5 minutes. I got in the pool that we had set up in our room and Mary gave me some herbs to help me calm down.

My dad and brothers kept the kids occupied on the other side of the house. They watched movies, had dinner and played while waiting for their sister to be born. At some point I was overwhelmed with loneliness and asked to see Aravis. She came in and checked everything out, kissed me and asked questions and that really helped. It was healing to be able to see her during the birth - to know that she was safe and happy. Judah came in after that and he was a little stand-offish, but really wanted to play with the water in the tub.

For most of the birth Mary and my mom stayed in the hallway while Joe sat with me in the bedroom. It was so, so redemptive to know that Joe was HERE - both physically and spiritually. He was attentive, aware and present. I didn't want him to touch me, but I was able to rest in the knowledge that he was HERE.

Not long after that my contractions started to feel overwhelming. I started to feel like it was never going to end and it was too much for me. I remember thinking that every woman who talks about a "pain free" childbirth was full of shit. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't PAIN I was feeling, but PRESSURE. That helped for about 3 contractions and then I couldn't make the words mean more than the sensation anymore. So, I cried, I prayed, I begged for it to end.

Here's where things were REALLY different between a home birth and a hospital birth - Mary had told me early on in my care that there was no need for me to push Daisy out. She said that my body would do that for me and I would know when it was time to join in. She wasn't lying.

My contractions changed again. They started coming 3 at a time - right on top of each other - and felt like nothing I had ever experienced ever before. They were WILD. It was the most physical pain I have ever felt. Ever. They were hard and consuming and I felt certain that Daisy was never going to come out. I was begging to God to make it stop - to just give me relief. Mary told me to tell them when I felt her and I thought she was insane - I was nowhere near getting her out.

And then I felt my water break... and the ring of fire. Daisy's head was right there, crowing, the moment the water broke. I, somehow, told Mary I could feel her and immediately Mary felt for her head. She applied counter pressure and told me to push when I was ready. This was not what you see in the movies, or maybe even what you have experienced yourself. I didn't breathe and push. I didn't wait for the next urge. There was no need to try to move her down - she was THERE. I pushed probably 3-4 times to get her head out, while yelling and screaming, and then another 3 pushes to deliver her body. And then there she was.

I sat back in the water and held my daughter. For the very first time I felt joy the INSTANT I held my baby. There was nothing else in the way. No lights, no doctors, no interventions. Just me and the baby I had worked for, prayed over and truly BIRTHED. I heard Aravis say, "Judah, it's DAISY!" and realized that they were in the room. I looked up at Aravis' ecstatic face and was SO happy that she had seen her sister being born.

When I was ready I moved up onto the bed and waited for the placenta. This was another totally new experience. I had never pushed out a placenta without pitocen and it was ... different. :) Mary checked me and I had barely torn - not even enough for a single stitch. She said I had eased Daisy's head out so carefully that everything looked perfect.

Daisy was born just over an hour before Christmas Day. She was 7 pounds and 10 ounces, 20 inches long and perfectly pink. The best part is - she looks like me. She definitely has her daddy in her (no Moors kid can escape the Moors head), but Daisy looks like every newborn/baby photo of me I have ever seen. This was a small gift from Jesus for me.. :)

Those are all of the facts, but I want to say that so much more happened during Daisy's birth. I had experienced so much sadness in my previous births and had even experienced opposition from other people before Daisy's birth. I KNEW what God was doing in me by providing a home birth. I KNEW what God was doing in giving me an opportunity to cry out to the Healer and Redeemer. I knew that my expectation of what was coming would not be disappointed. I knew that I was on holy ground as I approached Daisy's birth. But there was certainly doubt that needed to be wrestled with. There were words of discouragement disguised as practical (even Divine) wisdom.

I am so, so thankful for the Spirit of God that surrounded and sustained me. I am so thankful that I did not give in. I am so thankful that my hope was rewarded with reality. Daisy was born naturally and at home. And I was healed. Things that had rattled around - undealt with - have been set right. I experienced so much more physical pain than I was prepared for, but not even a moment of emotional pain. In suffering and struggling I found peace. I met with Jesus in the deepest, saddest place I could. There is no healing like the healing that takes place when you face your deepest wound.

I have spent the last few days soaking in the joy of God's gift to me this Christmas. Daisy Belle is finally here. Her birth was beautiful and excruciating. Healing is settling into old, raw spaces. And I am recovering with my family - enjoying every second of our new life.

Happy Birthday Daisy Belle!

The Day Before The Day Before Christmas

I saw my daughter today, although NOT because I gave birth to her. We had an in-home ultrasound to check the fluid levels, etc and I got to see her fat, cute face. She was shoving fingers in her mouth and squiggling around. Her thighs are rolly polly and she IS, in fact, a girl (sweet relief for a mama who worries about everything). The ultrasound tech estimates that she is 8 pounds 11 ounces. Seriously. Now I know that ultrasounds are regularly wrong about the weight of a baby, but this was just shocking! Both Aravis and Judah were 7.7 pounds. 8.11? That's huge! At least it seems huge.... (although not to my mama whose biggest baby was 11.4)

The super great news is that everything is awesome. Daisy is healthy and whole. The fluid levels are great. She's moving like a maniac. She's chubby and super, super cute (only a mama can tell that from an ultrasound :)).

He also estimated that I am at 40 weeks and 1 day. I'm aware that an earlier ultrasound is a better indicator of a due date, but it gave me a bit of relief to think that she's not THAT overdue.

I ALSO got acupuncture today. This was my first experience with acupuncture and it was crazy. The acupuncturist was awesome and even offered to meet with me again on Sunday if nothing happens this weekend.

Okay, so let me tell you about this ancient, awesome experience. The needles are teeny tiny and super flexible. I barely felt most of them as they went in, but once she started working them to stimulate my energy I felt little electrical shocks. After that the spots stayed warm and tingly. I even started to sweat - which she said was my body releasing heat. There were certain spots that I REALLY felt and some that I was only slightly aware of.

It was both awesome and strange. In fact, almost 5 hours later, I can still feel the warm, almost tingly feeling in both of my hands.

Apparently acupuncture takes 6-48 hours to work (if it's going to), so now we're just waiting to see if Daisy is, indeed, going to be a Christmas baby.

Now that I have seen her face and her fat little legs, I want my baby to come out EVEN MORE.

Next

I guess even a full moon isn't powerful enough to get this girl to budge! She's still firmly in there.

New plan: acupuncture tomorrow afternoon before the ultrasound. I've never done acupuncture before, but I hear it works for some mamas. I've also heard that it can take a few days to kick things into gear.

At this point I would gladly welcome Daisy Christmas morning if she would just come out before Tuesday!

On a less-freaking-out note, my girlfriend Christina is in town and she brought some of my favorite little girls with her. Our kids LOVE each other and it's been SO fun watching them play together. They even like to just snuggle on the couch. It's way too cute.

I'm thankful for the distraction. So thankful.

41 Weeks

41 weeks today.

I saw my Midwife last night. She is soothing and calm and that helps. I'm not so angry anymore. I'm .... still very, very READY.

Here's the good news - I'm progressing. I'm about 3-4cm dilated and my cervix has moved to an anterior position. One thing I love about Mary is that she really doesn't try to force what SHE wants for my birth. She's willing to strip my membranes, but really encouraged me to wait a little bit. We're going to get an ultrasound in the next few days just to make sure my amniotic fluid is still good and, if necessary, will start trying to stimulate labor on Sunday.

Daisy is healthy. Her heartbeat is awesome, her movement is insane and I'm still completely healthy. There's nothing to be concerned about - other than the possibility of reaching 42 weeks. At that point Mary has to transfer care and I would end up giving birth in a hospital. I really, really, really, really, REALLY don't want that. Not at ALL.

I left my appointment last night with some crazy ass contractions. All through dinner and putting the kids to bed I was stopping to breathe and focus. And then I went to bed.... and woke up STILL Shamu.

Mary said, in her experience, women do tend to go into labor either just before a full moon or just after. Tonight is the full moon (the lunar eclipse didn't start spontaneous labor), so COME ON baby!!!

Come to think of it... maybe that was the cause of those crazy contractions last night?

I'm debating what I should do today.... clean like crazy? Walk to the park again? Whole Foods to stock up on supplements? Watch movies and snuggle my kids? Sit on the ball?

All I really want to do is give birth. And I can't MAKE that happen.

Oldie but a Goodie

I need some serious distraction these days... as my previous post proves. So, when I've read through all of my favorite blogs, I re-read my own. I found this one from January 2009 and was reminded of the strength of Jesus in people. Although, we have little community these days, I am deeply thankful for the people who have composed our "church" throughout our lives.

I'm reposting because I love it THAT MUCH :)

Church?

I've gone to church my entire life.

I've been to Sunday School, Youth Group and Adult services.

I've been a leader; I've been a follower and I've even spent seasons of life not going to church at all.

To be honest, I've always seen "church" as a gathering of people for a few hours in a building.

There are programs and classes.

We all get dressed up.

We sing songs.

We listen to the announcements.

We take communion.

We greet our neighbors.

We listen to the sermon and take notes.

We pick our kids up from Sunday School.

We go to lunch.

We go home.

Lately, I have been learning alot about community.

I've read in the book of Acts that the early church made a regular practice of attending a worship service together, eating dinner together and celebrating. They shared everything they had. They made sure everyone's needs were met.

How strange.

Who gave the announcements?

Who headed the committees?

Who handled the sound system?

Who operated the video?

Who ran the church office?

It seems like the early church was more of a commune than a church service.

They ate together every day.

They were always looking out for everyone's needs.

They CELEBRATED.

To be honest, I have had a hard time picturing it.

I've longed for it.

But I haven't been sure what that would like look in America.

Last Monday my husband moved out.

It's not entirely a bad thing. He moved out to find Jesus; to deal with the patterns in his life that just wont die.

We've been moving in and out of sadness and selfishness and destruction for five years.

This is the most honest and healthy place we have ever been.

He is working to come home.

But he is still gone. And I am incredibly sad and lonely.

The day he left my girlfriend Stephanie moved in. The next night her husband and two dogs came too.

They HAVE a house. They HAVE lives.

But they are here, every day and every night.

They have stayed up with me, watching TV till 12:30 in the morning. She has let me pour out my heart over and over again. She has spoken words of hope and celebration into me even though I have been hopeless and grieving.

They have carried the weight of my babies for me. They make lunch and dinner. They change diapers and help with baths. They tell stories and take walks.

I have not, for one moment, felt alone.

Yesterday morning I woke up and realized...

This is church.

Church is sleeping on an air mattress in my son's room.

Church is cleaning my house.

Church is eating every meal with me; constantly letting me know that they are IN this with us.

Church is my girlfriend Alisa showing up without hesitation to let me cry and to fold all my laundry and put it away.

Church is my oldest friend, Nicole, flying in to celebrate my son's first birthday and spending every minute of this weekend with me; helping me process.

Church is my dad taking Aravis to school so that I can go to Holy Yoga.

Church is my mom coming over to watch the kids so I can clean the house for Judah's birthday party.

Church is my cousin bringing vegan ice cream sandwiches over.

Church is Tassie calling me from Belize.

Church is Carol saying, "yep. this is humiliating."

Church is Travis saying that he has hope; that's he's not worried about Joe turning to his flesh.

Church is Jonni calling and Lisa texting.

Church is Bethany coming over for dinner and yoga.

Church is Jennifer offering her empty house for an escape.

Church is countless people I don't even know well writing to say that they are praying.

Church is the community that rises up around you to sink down into a dark, dark place.

Church is holy.

Church is people.

Church is the Spirit of God flowing from heart to heart.

Church is a celebration in the midst of disaster.

Church is not, and has never been, a building or a program.

Church is community.

And I am so glad that I am a part of Church.

Seriously

Through my entire pregnancy I have told myself (and anyone who asked) that I'm not concerned with my estimated due date. After all, it is an ESTIMATED due date for a reason, right?

Well, now that all THREE of my "estimated" due dates have come and gone I am really, really angry. There's no other way to explain it. I'm pissed. According to my absolute latest due date I am now 6 days "overdue". Which makes me feel like I have overcooked the turkey.

I'm still in "early" labor - contracting, losing my mucous plug (sorry if that's too much for you), nauseous... and having many, many other symptoms of "impending" active labor. But the hard part hasn't kicked in yet. I'm in liminal space; the space of betwixt and between. I'm on the threshold, just waiting for something to push me over the edge and into the beautiful, agonizing birthing contractions that will bring Daisy from my womb and into my life.

Last night I bounced so hard on the ball I almost fell off. I raged against my uncooperative uterus and my stubborn daughter. I yelled at my husband for telling me that my body IS working. I googled "has anyone ever NOT gone into labor" and found NOTHING. I got up to pee in the middle of the night and told God, over and over again, how angry I am that I'm still pregnant. I woke up this morning still angry and demanding that this is MY body and Daisy MUST vacate it.

I'm still pregnant. Still having contractions that make me want to scream because they hurt like HELL and are STILL too far apart.

Tonight there is a full lunar eclipse - full moon and all. I've read that a full moon can make a woman's water break if she is far enough along. I'm planning on it. I'm willing the moon to pull on the water in my womb and make that damn thing pop.

I fully believe that God created ALL of creation to work in harmony and it totally makes sense to me that he would have included this ability in the moon's functions.

So, I'm not getting off this ball until the moon decides to do it's job and my body decides to GET IT TOGETHER. I'm not even afraid anymore. Just super angry. I am DONE being pregnant. Done.

Free

I just thought this was worth reposting.....

{December 17, 2008}



If I were a free woman I would fill my heart with beauty and move unrestrained.

I would engage in a whirlwind of strength, opening my heart to new horizons and expectations.

I would get in my car and drive until I couldn't find myself.

I would set aside my fear and my inhibitions and I would attempt flight.

I would collapse every night, gloriously tired from every act of courage.

I would run and when I ran out of breath, I would push a little further.

I would open new doors and bravely step through to the other side.

I would love like I had never been betrayed.

I would hope like I had never been disappointed.

I would crash into inspiration and let it wash over me.

I would write until my heart was empty.

I would whisper beautiful, undeniable truths to my children.

I would expect the future to be deep and full.

I would place the immense weight of my soul on the Hero of Life.

I would encourage my children to adventure.

I would encourage my husband to breath deep and take in the cool bravery of living life on this earth.

I would plant and watch things grow.

I would wake up every morning with gratitude for the sun spilling in through my window.

I would sit outside and watch my children play and laugh.

I would cry without shame.

I would embrace my freedom.

If I were a free woman...

I would live like I were free.

My family is full of Narnia fanatics. Hence my daughter's first name - Aravis (The Horse and His Boy). We make every new Narnia movie an event and, gigantically pregnant or not, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader could not be ignored. So we planned ahead (all those different schedules make this very hard) and went to see it tonight. My kids were excited because #1 they know that Aravis' name originates in the series, #2 there is a dragon in the story and #3 Judah is pretty sure Jesus turns into a lion. It was exceptionally fun and we loved the movie (especially because we were all together AND my aunt and cousin happen to be in town as well).

I had a moment in the movie. I love when movies speak to me....

King Caspian realizes that he has been so consumed with what was taken from him that he has overlooked what was given to him. Time stood still for me for a second and I looked over at my little boy sitting on his uncle's lap. I realized that what was given to me in Judah's birth was so much greater than what was taken from me. Yes, I was robbed. I was wounded and traumatized. But I walked away with the most amazing little boy who has filled my life with immeasurable joy. He has been so used by God to remind me what it feels like to be LOVED. He is sensitive and funny. he is healthy and whole. He is smart and engaging. He is beautiful in so many different ways.

I've said it before, but it truly resonates in me now, Judah was worth the price I paid to have him. I wouldn't trade a single second of that entire experience simply because he was the reward.

And, even if Daisy's birth is equally as traumatic I will certainly rejoice in the gift that is my daughter.

That makes it all just a little less scary...

"When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant. I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you, you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

{Psalm 73:21-28}

The night before last my contractions were 2-4 minutes apart and required focus and breath. After about 2 hours they were back to 10 minutes apart and much more tolerable.

I woke up yesterday morning and immediately called my midwife, at the very end of my rope. I told her I wanted to be checked to see if I had dilated and she suggested considering checking into the birth center (to have a more private space to labor). I spent the morning crying, processing and praying. It took about 10 minutes after that phone call to realize that the thing standing in my way wasn't the people around me, it wasn't the pressure to HAVE THIS BABY (although, trust me, that was there).

The unconquerable wall was deeper; rooted in Judah's birth almost 3 years ago. That experience changed who I am. Everything surrounding me at that point in my life was heavy and painful. His birth was invasive, abusive and transforming.

From the moment I realized I was pregnant with Daisy I KNEW that I couldn't hold her in. I spent a good portion of my first trimester certain I was going to miscarry (or had already). Spiritually I plummeted into complete darkness. I have never, in my entire life, known such misery, such sorrow, such abandonment. My morning sickness was deeper than a physical affliction - it was a deeply emotional and spiritual disease. God was silent and I was confused and angry. I felt repulsed by the Bible, by the very mention of Jesus or anything remotely relating to him. I cowered in a hole and waited for something to change.

Since entering my second trimester I have slowly crawled out of the darkness. Inch by agonizing inch I've regained my footing. I have felt weak, like I was recovering from a life threatening illness.

And yesterday, everything fell into place. All of the sorrow of the past 3 years; all of the darkness of the past 9 months; all of the questioning and aching. It simply snapped into place. It made sense.

God wasn't silent. I was screaming. I had come to the very center of an isolating and revealing desert. My affliction - my loneliness and trauma - had become impossible to ignore. And I have been TERRIFIED of attempting the impossible again.

I've been in labor for 9 days now. It seems impossible, right? It's not. Along the way my contractions have slowly changed. There are times when I feel just about to cross from early labor contractions into birthing contractions and I just don't. I'm not ready. I spent my entire first trimester certain I couldn't hold my baby in and now I'm just not ready to let her out. I've been scared - so scared that I just can't do it. I couldn't do it with Judah - the pitocin did it. I've lost faith in my body's ability to birth a baby.

But after crying all morning, talking to my midwife for awhile, getting checked (2-3cm) and spending the rest of the day just trying to rest I've somehow found a sweet space of surrender. I've given up being angry with God. I can finally see that he would have had to deny himself to have ever abandoned me. From the very moment of entering sorrow 3 years ago he has not once moved away from me. He has held me by the right hand. I was so grieved, so embittered that I became senseless. I lost all sense of direction, of hope.

I don't know how surrender happens. I don't know what has to shift in someone to relinquish such deeply rooted sorrow and fear, but I can say that, by grace, I'm just floating. I've somehow stopped fighting, stopped raging. My fear has faded. I still have no idea how the hell I am going to give birth. I am still stopping every 10 minutes to breathe through a contraction. I'm still weak and battered from my own prison.

But, at some point, Daisy will decide she's ready. She'll do her thing. My heart's desire is that I will keep floating, keep surrendering. My body has been created to birth her. If my mind will stay out of the way then my girl will come all on her own.

Time

A few months ago I was having no problem visualizing Daisy's birth. I dreamed about it, thought about it and prayed about it. It seemed like the most natural and easily accomplished thing I would ever do.

And then I hit 38 weeks. I suddenly could not imagine her ACTUALLY coming out (as you may have noticed from my previous posts). I've been wrestling to visualize her descent and exit. Nothing.

Did I mention I've been in early labor for almost three days? Sigh.

But last night, for some reason, I was able to picture the birth. Something shifted for me and I could finally imagine Daisy being born.

Nothing else has really changed since then, other than an increase in the physical feeling of pressure in my body. I'm still having contractions spaced out too far to be active labor. I'm still slowly journeying towards holding my baby. But I feel lighter - like I've passed an emotional block. I don't know what caused it and I don't know what enabled me to overcome it, but I'm done feeling discouraged (for now :)). I know that Daisy IS coming. If it takes a week of early labor to get her (and me) to the place where she can finally trade womb for world then it's worth it.

Every baby is born differently. Some come quickly, some come slowly. Some come with no difficulty and some come at a price. Every birth, for both the baby and the mama, is significant and powerful. I'm starting to relinquish my need to GET HER OUT. Long early labor or not, my baby is making her way into the world. And I'm pretty sure this won't be the last time I need to exercise patience in my love for Daisy Belle.

Early Labor

I've spent the past two days in the early stages of labor. I've had very intense contractions that stay between 10-30 minutes apart. If I spend enough time bouncing on the ball they get closer together, but once I take a break they go back to their frustrating pattern. It's frustrating because Daisy is posterior right now, which means lots and lots of lower back pain. Sometimes I can't even tell if I'm having a contraction because my lower back just hurts constantly. Oooooooh, childbirth is a bitch.

I've had a hard time sleeping since my contractions are hard enough to wake me up. Thankfully, today, my mama heated up the rice heating pad for my back and I was able to take a nap. If not for that little nap I might be having a nervous breakdown right now. :)

The thing about the early stage of labor is that it can last for days. Days. I've never had it last this long, but Daisy has already proven that she is going to be a different human being than her siblings. So, I'm praying for patience and strength. I'm praying for sleep at night and a fear-free heart to approach the stunningly intense and powerfully spiritual act of birthing a child. I'm mostly praying that Daisy will just come - that the "early" stage of labor will become the "active" stage of labor.

Even though she seems permanently lodged in my womb, she HAS to come out at some point... right?

Thankful

I took Judah to the park this morning. It's the first time we've been out of the house to play in weeks. The poor thing is going stir crazy. He's been really aggressive and angry lately and I can't help but think he's just really, really bored. He has so much energy and nowhere to channel it. He's constantly trying to wrestle with me and I'm constantly telling him to settle down. It finally occurred to me that this (almost) three year old just needs to PLAY.

So, we hit the park. The fabulous park. It was 75 degrees and sunny - a perfect morning for running and climbing and shouting, "Wanna see me do this, mama?!" Watching him have so much fun all by himself made me feel a little guilty. Overly pregnant or not, my boy NEEDS sunshine and a place to run. I've kept him holed up with me, easing through the last few weeks of this pregnancy, but even I needed the sunshine today. It was energizing to just be outside in the fresh air reading my Bible and watching Judah play. I honestly could have spent the entire morning just sitting on that park bench while he wore himself out.

Isn't this the part of pregnancy where you start to feel even more run down and depressed? Cause, over the last three days, I've felt a burst of energy. Don't get me wrong - I'm giant and I move very slow. My joints and muscles ache. I'm not overflowing with energy by any means, but I've been able to clean, do laundry, make dinner and put the kids to bed without feeling like my world was crashing down.

I'm pretty sure it's the green smoothies. I've been consistently starting my day with thick, green yumminess. It seems like they are giving me just the boost I need to finish off being pregnant. Maybe they'll help with the actual birth as well? I love green smoothies. Absolutely love them. They taste fresh and clean and delicious. I LOVE them.

In case you're interested, this is how I've been making them this week....

Rice Milk
Spinach
Kale
Frozen organic berries
Banana
Hemp protein powder
Grapefruit seed extract
Wheatgrass tablets
Vitamin D

I've been adding all of the supplements (which I take anyway) because I'm trying to boost my kids immune systems. I don't want anyone to get sick this close to Daisy coming. It's really hard to find ways to get a two year old to swallow GSE or wheatgrass. This way they just get crushed up in the blender and he never knows they are there. :)

I'm so thankful for the energy boost whether it's from the smoothies or not. I'm thankful for the sunshine and hearing my boy laugh. I'm thankful for a small moment to be fed from the Bible. I'm thankful for an awesome chiropractic adjustment. I'm thankful for clean laundry and a clean house. I'm thankful for a husband who works so hard to provide for us, but who is also willing to come home really quick to make Aravis' lunch for me (I didn't make him, don't worry :)). I'm thankful for a midwife who is so patient and encouraging. I'm thankful for my cousin/sister and favorite aunt who will be here in 5 days (and will either witness the birth or get to snuggle a brand new Daisy). I'm thankful for my parents who are so helpful and go out of their way to ease the stress of being 39 weeks pregnant.

I'm mostly thankful to be thankful. I could easily be miserable and I am so, so glad that I am full and overflowing.

39 Weeks

Ah, 39 weeks. I thought you'd never come. :)

I can't believe this pregnancy has almost finished. It seems like I was JUST a little bloated and cranky ... now I'm a full 40 pounds heavier and practically limping through life. Sweet girl is almost here.

At the same time I'm pretty sure she will never come out. All of this prodomal labor has convinced me that the real thing will never happen. I will just spend the rest of my life having small, yet painful, contractions.

I think the end of a season always feels that way. Change is so beyond our comprehension. We want it, we've even experienced it before, but it's still so foreign. It's clearly impossible to stay the same, but how could things possibly progress?

Story of my life.

Aravis woke up last night with a tummy bug. She spent most of the early morning throwing up while her daddy followed behind, comforting her and cleaning up. When I woke up this morning Joe and the kids were crashed out on the couch watching TV, surrounded by blankets, cups of various fluids, a thermometer, and a throw up bowl. My poor sick girl has a hero for a daddy.

Since I'm 39 weeks it's a little risky for anyone in our house to get sick. I can only imagine being sick while in labor. Unfortunately people get sick. This is a part of the rhythm of life. So, Joe stayed home to make sure I didn't come into contact with any vomit and I've spent my morning making green smoothies full of vitamin d, grapefruit seed extract and wheatgrass to try to ward off the ickies for those of us who are still healthy. Aravis kept down a grapefruit seed extract and a few crackers and is currently asleep. I'm cooking up some yummy veggie soup for my girl - funny how love for your child can even motivate a whale. :)

So, at 39 weeks, life is still just life. Sick kids, a giant belly and a big pot of soup. Life. Life that doesn't seem to ever change, but truly MUST be on the very brink of being forever altered.

Come on Daisy. We're all ready....

Alternate Due Dates

I've been running across something called The Woods Method which is used to calculate a more accurate due date for pregnant mamas. Just out of curiosity I decided to try it out tonight. According to the Woods Method my actual due date would be December 10th. If that's the case I will JUST miss my movie date. It's kind of fun to test this theory.... let's see if December 10th is a good day :)

38 Weeks

I'm still pregnant. Very, very pregnant. Which is okay. My midwife has suggested that I try to turn my frustration into acceptance. Much easier said than done, but I am really, really trying. My contractions have slowed down and that makes it a little easier to accept where I am right now. She also said that Daisy still feels like she's in the six pound range, so maybe she just needs to pack on a little more weight.

Here's the thing. I'm only 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I haven't even hit my ESTIMATED due date yet. There's no reason to get frustrated. Except for the last 4 weeks of contractions. Those suckers are a giant reason to get frustrated. How do you function when you have a contraction every 10 minutes... for 4 weeks?

In trying to change my mindset to one of acceptance and peace I've decided to focus on just a few things.

1. Snuggling with my kids as much as possible. I've been DVRing kids Christmas movies to watch with them while we snuggle by the fire or on my bed.

2. Making fun plans. If I have something planned to look forward to maybe it will make this time more FUN. For example: I really want to see the movie The Tourist. So, on Saturday, December 11th my man is taking me to sushi and a movie. If I haven't had Daisy by the 11th then I will have a GREAT date. If she's already made her appearance I probably won't really care about the movie.

3. Relaxing. I am super tense (due to the constant contracting). Mary suggested a half of glass of wine and a bath at night to help me sleep. I tried it last night and it really did help me relax enough to peacefully fall asleep. I'm also getting a massage on Friday and getting my nails done this weekend. Maybe I can blissfully float through the next few weeks :)

4. This one is the most important. Jesus. I am deeply aware of how badly I need the Presence of God in a thick and tangible way. As much as I have processed through this pregnancy I still carry some uncertainty and fear. I'm beginning to see that some of that fear can only be eased by the actual birth. I have such confidence in the body that God has given me. I KNOW that I can, and will, successfully birth my third baby. I'm not afraid of the pain. I'm not afraid of the contractions, or the back ache, or the recovery. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of the panic I felt when I realized that Joe was in the room, but completely detached. And that fear can only be eased by NOT being alone while giving birth. The birth itself is a part of the process. So, clearly, I NEED Jesus. I need peace that overwhelms my natural instinct - to withdraw and hide.

So, at 38 weeks and 2 days, I'm facing new things that are really old things. I am both completely ready and completely unprepared. I'm setting my intention and drawing from all of my yoga training. Breathe. Relax. Surrender.

And I'm still pregnant.

I Like My Family

Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE Holiday. Everything about it is beautiful. The intention of the Holiday is holy and reflective, the time spent with family is deep and meaningful, the food is overwhelmingly FABULOUS. I just love it. Love. It.

This was an especially fun Thanksgiving because both of my brothers were here for the entire day for the fist time in YEARS. Tanner has been in the Air Force for the past 6 years and we haven't had a Holiday with him the entire time. Alec has worked as a waiter for the past 5 years and had to work every Thanksgiving. But THIS year, Tanner is out of the Air Force and Alec has a new job. The only sadness was that my sister in law Melanie (plus Travis and baby Jack) were missing this year.

My mom and my mother in law did all of the cooking and prepping. They are such good co-hosts. Really, they made a beautiful dinner and a relaxing Holiday for everyone. Being at home with a fire in the fireplace, surrounded by our family made me so thankful for the family we are blessed with. Truly, we are blessed. We are loved.

I am so thankful for such great parents (and grandparents), for such warm great grandparents, for present and fun siblings, and for my husband and my kids. At the end of the night I was especially thankful for the friendship between my husband and my brother. They are so goofy - so willing to do anything to make the kids laugh, even if it's just weird. They are also happy to camp out in front of Best Buy together all night long just to get a good deal on a few Christmas gifts. I love them.

After massive amounts of food (and pie.... does pie even count as actual FOOD - it's just pure deliciousness) I spent the rest of the night with really low key contractions. I woke up this morning still contracting. Although they are getting more consistent, they are still so far apart and really mild. So, my whole plan for the day is to sit on the birthing ball, set up the Christmas tree, do the laundry and take a few walks.... I guess I SHOULD eat some leftovers. What is the day after Thanksgiving without leftovers - contractions or no. :)

A New Thing...

I just want to say it again - I love my Midwife. She's awesome.

When I was pregnant with Judah I knew I wanted a midwife and debated having a home birth. We decided on a Midwife assisted hospital birth and I just trusted the group of Midwives I was seeing to protect my pregnancy and birth. I wasn't really UNeducated, but I also wasn't educated. I knew enough about pregnancy and birth to know that I wanted an unmedicated birth. I knew I wanted to labor as long I needed too. I knew I didn't want an IV.

I had done the Bradley Method in the hospital with Aravis. Her birth was under seven hours and I really felt like I had done something amazing in birthing her without drugs or interventions. However, I hated the OB who showed up to deliver her. I had avoided making appointments with him throughout my prenatal care because he was condescending and rude. Unfortunately he was the OB on call when my daughter came into the world. So, he showed up at 2:30 in the morning, disregarded my birth plan, gave me an episiotomy, delivered my daughter and then pulled out the placenta. It was violating. He's the reason I opted for a Midwife the second time around.

What's sad is that the Midwife on call when Judah was born wasn't much different. She was understanding enough to let me labor long and hard, but initially refused to let me eat anything or even drink juice. She was invasive and controlling. I labored in triage for 9 hours before making it to a delivery room. Once in the room I started having panic attacks. My body was tired and weak and the thought of exerting enough energy to PUSH was overwhelming and terrifying. She ordered me to the bathtub to get things going. Nothing changed. She decided to break my water and didn't think to warn me that she was stripping my membranes at the same time. It was so shocking and so painful I screamed.

I kept dilating to 10cm and then coming back down to 8cm. Her solution (which I understand is somewhat common) was to use her fingers to push my cervix open during a contraction. If you've had this happen you know how excruciating this is. I finally refused to let her touch me ever again, so she hooked me up to an IV to administer pitocin.

By the time Judah was ready to come I couldn't hold up my head or any of my limbs. I was exhausted and completely out of control. To be honest, I barely remember my son being born. I remember my girlfriends, my husband, my mom and my mother in law holding up my legs, arms and head while I pushed. I remember thinking Judah was never coming out. I didn't have the strength to push him out and he just didn't seem to be moving. I've been told that I screamed, "F***!" every time I pushed. I just wanted to give up.

But he came out. Somehow. Mary says Judah did what he had to do. HE did the work.

It made me sad that I didn't feel any joy at seeing my son for the first time. All I could think about was being left alone. I didn't want to be touched and I didn't want to have to move. My Midwife stitched me up and they moved me to a recovery room. The room was a cave, with no windows and a shower that flooded the room whenever I turned it on. I had been in the recovery room for only a few moments when a nurse came in and started punching and pummeling my stomach without saying a word. I tried to lay still and it took all of my willpower to NOT punch her in the face and scream at her for touching me without even telling me her name. My husband left to get some air and i was left alone with Judah for two hours. I was exhausted and couldn't stop crying.

Now that I am seeing Mary I have learned so much more about birth, my own body, my baby and what this whole thing is really about. Every step of the way Mary has been calm, sensitive and knowledgeable. She schedules two hours for every appointment and explains every detail of my pregnancy to me. I am well prepared for the birth and have the freedom to ask any question I can think of. She listens to me, processes with me and has alleviated all of the fear left over from my previous births.

Tonight we talked about the strength of a well nourished body. We talked through the details of Judah's birth. We talked about the body's ability to deliver a baby WITHOUT me having to push.

We talked about Aravis' fear of the baby being hurt when we cut the umbilical cord and Mary looked her in the eyes and promised to never do ANYTHING that would ever hurt our baby. She explained WHY it won't hurt Daisy and we gave Aravis the option of cutting the cord when the time came.

This pregnancy has been overwhelmingly different. I am so thankful for the gift of my Midwife. I am so thankful for her philosophy of birth. I am so thankful that I know more now than I did then. I am so thankful that I am having Daisy at home. I am so thankful that I don't have anything to be afraid of.

Daisy is still head down and LOA. She is healthy and practicing her breathing movements. I have SUCH peace that Daisy will come when she's ready to come. For the first time I'm not worried about WHEN the baby comes. She'll be born at just the right time. And, when that time comes, I will be nourished and hydrated and encouraged. I will be safe and protected.

I am SO thankful for such a different experience; for an experience that is already redeeming the sorrow of the past.

Oh Tuesday

To celebrate my 37th week of pregnancy today I spent the afternoon wading through brown toilet water while bending over (miraculous) to sop it up with paper towels while my six year old held a plastic bag for me. This is the result of both toilets clogging at exactly the same time with apparently NOTHING. My frantically busy husband had mercy on me and took a few hours of out his day to rent a mechanical snake and fix the clog. However, because his day was so full, it left me to clean the hurricane type disaster left behind. We're talking about toilet water on every wall, in the bathtub, soaking the rugs, splashed up on the cabinets. Oh yes. It was disgusting. Dis-gusting.

So Aravis and I cleaned it all up - scrubbing, spraying, HOPING we got it all. And then we took a long long shower. Ick.

But the toilets work now. Thank God the toilets work. Did I mention I am 37 weeks pregnant? I had to make a Target run just to use the bathroom. Aravis had to go with Joe to Home Depot just so she could poop. I'm telling you - the kid was ready to poop in a bucket!

The rest of the afternoon was spent in my jammies, sitting in front of the fire, catching up on photo work. The toilet catastrophe is now a thing of the past and I am DEEPLY grateful that it did NOT wait to happen while I was giving birth. Somehow there is mercy in this whole thing :) The mercy is that it was only Tuesday (not Thanksgiving Thursday with a house full of people) and I am still 37 weeks pregnant. No wading through toilet water while in transition, thank you very much. Not the kind of water birth I have in mind :)

One More For Today...

I've been scouring blogs all day. I love them :) I love the natural parenting blogs, I love the birthing blogs, I love the Jesus blogs. I love them all. I decided to check out John Eldredge's blog for the first time. (If you haven't picked up one of his books I SO recommend it. Wild At Heart changed the way I saw my husband and Captivated changed the way I saw myself). I stumbled onto a blog post titled Healing the Past. Aaaahhhh. Clearly I'm in this space of reliving my past (Judah's birth, etc), and I was so moved by his suggestion of praying through your past.

He says this, "I think God actually does this more often than we know. He'll bring up something that will trigger a memory - we might have a dream, or visit an old haunt of ours, we might see an old friend or sometimes all it takes is just a certain smell like cut grass or a donut shop and bam, we are back in some period of our life. In those moments, invite Jesus into it, into that period in your life. And linger there for a bit, allowing his Spirit to show you what to pray."

This is what I'm looking for. I don't need someone to erase what happened. I don't need someone to undo the sadness and loneliness from that time in my life. I need Jesus to come into that space and heal it. I need to surrender my sadness in the expectation that it will be replaced with acceptance. I need to remember that where the Spirit of the Lord is there is FREEDOM. Jesus was in that hospital room with me. Let me tell you. If there was ONE certain and unwavering Presence during those 27 hours it was the Creator and Sustainer. The Life Giver Himself stood watch over me.

Now that I am reliving some of those memories I am sensing His Presence again. Along with the sadness there is the a deep gratitude for who Judah is. He was born at exactly the right time. He is my reminder that Praise comes from knowing that God is good in the struggle. I made a choice to raise my heart in worship even when I felt abandoned by my husband. I found strength exactly where I needed to find it. And that is the gift that follows me here to Daisy's time. She is an accumulation of all of our hard work and sacrifice. She is a testament of my husband's humility and real heart change. Daisy represents new life for all of us.

And THIS time in our lives would not be as significant or powerful without having first experienced THAT time in our lives.

Thank you John Eldredge for the reminder...

Intention

This is day one of intentional resting. So far so good. My parents (who we are blessed to live with in this season of our lives) kept my kids out of my room all morning to let me sleep in a little bit. Then my dad took Aravis to school so I could eat breakfast and climb back under my warm sheets. Judah and I snuggled for a good couple of hours, watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and exchanging, "I love yous". He's a very affectionate 2 year old :)

I realized, while cuddling my little bug, that I haven't had much snuggle time lately. I've been so consumed with my own overwhelming circumstances that I have neglected one of Judah's favorite activities! He has been the happiest little boy all morning - and it shows. He keeps telling me he loves me and patting my cheek. He's cute :)

I'm still having braxton hicks, but my body is so much more rested. I'm already feeling the sweetness of just releasing into where I am.

However, I can feel the nesting instinct creeping up on me again. I won't last long on my bed. But I'm being INTENTIONAL. I'm making a choice. So, I'll move slow.

My girlfriend suggested short walks and yoga for the next few weeks. She's wise. I haven't even touched my yoga mat in weeks. And, for someone who lives and breathes Holy Yoga, this is a BIG deal. Even if it's just me, my mat and my itunes in my own bedroom, I need to utilize my yoga training for the sake of my sanity. Maybe tonight?

Judah and I are going to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and snuggle some more before naptime. After we pick up Aravis from school we're going to make our way to the Chiropractor. And then I have big plans to watch Chuck with my parents with a fire in the fireplace (because, yes, it IS that cold at night now). That's my whole day. Tomorrow, I'm back to photo editing, but RESTFULLY.... peacefully.

One Day Closer

We spent our Sunday in Buckeye, AZ which is halfway to California. Seriously. It's far. But it was SO worth it because our teeny tiny nephew, Jack, lives in Buckeye. This was Aravis and Judah's first time meeting Jack. He's been around for three weeks now, but we keep getting sick and definitely didn't want to expose a newborn to our germs. We are now happily germ free and spent our day snuggling the cutest little man.

One more bonus was hanging out with Joe's sister Melanie. Now that they live so far away we rarely get to see her and it was SO fun to sit and talk with her again. I keep hoping they will move closer to us so the cousins can all grow up next door to each other. Sounds perfect, right? ;)

I am also on day six of hard and painful braxton hicks contractions. I'm having a lot of pre-labor stuff going on in my body and it's been exhausting. As of Monday I wasn't dilated at all, but Daisy's head was good and low. Since Tuesday I've been waking up all night long with pressure and hard contractions (which don't progress - they just keep me awake) and spending every day exhausted and contracting.

This is my third pregnancy so I know by now that this is NOT labor, just my body preparing for labor. It's taking it's toll on me though. I've finally realized that my job between now and Daisy's arrival is to intentionally rest and nourish my body. I remember how terrified I was to birth Judah simply because I hadn't had anything to eat. I KNEW I didn't have the energy to push him out and was so scared to even attempt it. So, for now, I'm going to eat and rest. :)

I'm so thankful for how supportive my family is right now. This is such a fragile time for all of us. All of the processing over the past 8 months have brought me here to these last few days/weeks. The most traumatic part of my pregnancy with Judah was the birth, so I am really aware of how easily turned I am right now. One moment I am so at peace and ready to softly bring my girl into our family, and the next I am reliving the circumstances of my last pregnancy.

In THIS moment though, I am relaxed and ready. I am watching Daisy's little limbs roll under my belly and I can't wait to hold her - no matter what the price. She is the promise at the very end of this long pregnancy. She is the reward. She is worth every painful braxton hicks contraction. She is worth all of the uncomfortable pelvic pressure. She is worth every backache. She is worth tired feet and migraines. She is worth it all.

One more day down. One more day closer to holding Daisy.

Balance Please

36 weeks pregnant and I've realized that my peace is slipping.

Every single moment of this pregnancy has been therapeutic. I've had to process past sorrow and sadness while partaking in present joy and beauty. Despite the sad memories, these past 36 weeks have been healing. In facing the darkness I have found immeasurable light. I've discovered new waves of mercy; new fountains of grace.

I've truly experienced the "unforced rhythms of grace".

So yesterday, while panicking and hurrying and crying, I was overwhelmed to find that this constant peace was slipping away from me. Instead of the deep surrender to the circumstances of my life in the moment, I was tightening up. Tension was pouring in on me from every angle.

Yes, I have a lot to do right now. There is a lot on my plate. But it makes me sad to see how empty my anxiety makes me. Where I was full and overflowing, I've become dried out and shallow.

My body has been working hard. I've had hard braxton hicks contractions for almost 3 days now. I'm TIRED.

I've been working all day long for days to try to finish up all of my photo editing before Miss Daisy makes an appearance. I'm mentally tired...

But why does it matter?

Because, right now, I am gloriously pregnant. I am deeply loved and provided for. My children are full of excitement and anticipation. I am fully prepared for my very first home birth. I am nourished and hydrated. I'm ready.

The last time I was this close to birth my heart was heavy - I was so alone and rejected. I faced every second of that season by myself, scared and lonely. If not for the sisterhood of my friends and my family I would have been lost. God sustained me then, guarding and bolstering me.

Maybe I'm anxious now because of how life was then.

But this time I am facing labor WITH my husband. This time I don't have to be afraid of being bullied or coerced by hospital staff. This time I will see all THREE of my children's faces at the same time. I will recover in my own bed surrounded by the people I love. This time is different.

So, today, I've decided to stop and breathe. I'm going to let these braxton hicks contractions do their job and I'm going to enjoy these last few days/weeks of pregnancy.

Because EVERY second of this pregnancy, though painful or joyful, is redeeming something broken in me.

Their Own Roads

I pray with my kids at least twice a day - on the way to school in the morning and at night before they go to sleep. Usually it's just me praying, although every now and then Aravis jumps in with a long list of people for God to protect. Judah, however, is not interested in praying at all. It doesn't bother me because he's TWO.

We've already decided that we don't ever want to force our kids to follow the rules of the church. We don't want to teach them that they have to pray a certain way or worship a certain way. We want the relationship they have with Jesus to be genuine and messy (if need be). So, rather than force Judah to pray, I've looked for ways to reveal his NEED for Jesus.

Our kids have been going through a mean phase lately. They fight, they manipulate, they tattle, they scream, they hit. It's been exhausting. I live for the rare moments when they LIKE being together. So, we've been talking about heart changes - not necessarily behavior changes. We've been encouraging them to step back and change their heart before apologizing or changing their behavior. Again, we want them to experience the authentic movement of the Spirit of God - not just a different way of acting or talking.

The other night when I was putting them to bed it occurred to me to ASK them what they felt they NEEDED God's help with. I was so surprised by their deep responses. Aravis said she needed help learning to be nice to her brother, making healthier food choices, and being patient. Judah said he needed help having a happier heart. Um.... I was speechless. THEN it occurred to me that we could pray for each other. I told them what I needed help with and then we went in a little circle. Aravis prayed for Judah, Judah prayed for me and I prayed for Aravis. It was AWESOME.

We did it again last night and THIS time we read from the Jesus Storybook Bible first (if you don't own a copy it will be the BEST investment in your children and your OWN journey towards Jesus). We read about King David asking God for a new, clean heart. HELLO! My kids jumped right on that. THEY have been asking for new hearts too! So, when we told each other our needs Aravis said she needed a "fresh and clean heart". This time Aravis prayed for me, I prayed for Judah and Judah prayed for Aravis.

I am so aware that God has answered my own heart's desire. He's made a very simple way for my kids to identify the empty spaces in their lives so that they can rely on HIM. I am so in love with the honest sound of those little voices praying for each other - and for me.

I've been so careful to not make our new bedtime routine about teaching them anything. I want them to get the chance to express their hearts without a lesson jumping up in their faces. As a fellow human being I know how important it is to have the chance to just lay it out there and to hear another human being enter INTO your heart's struggle by praying for you.

I want them to travel their own road to Jesus. I am certain that it won't look exactly like my road. That's okay. Every road basically leads nowhere, right? It's the road that Jesus travels to us that makes all the difference.

The Other Side of Parenting

Although Daisy is my third baby I am definitely feeling much more educated and prepared for her birth - and for parenting all three of my kids after her birth. I've developed a giant addiction for natural parenting blogs and websites. It's where I spend my free time :)

When Aravis was born I instinctively wanted to co-sleep (not even knowing it was a "thing"), breastfeed and make my own decisions regarding vaccinations. I didn't know anyone who had these same instincts and I almost felt like I needed to hide the fact that I hadn't put her on a feeding/sleeping schedule or gotten her vaccinated. I felt a lot of pressure to feed her solids early on, but truly felt like breast milk was doing the job. I was a vegetarian, but felt guilty for not feeding her meat - the whole world seemed to be going in the opposite direction!

As a result I wavered on some things that I had honestly felt were deeply important. I fed her chicken after her first birthday and I forced myself to let her sleep some nights in a pack n play in her own room. I didn't make these decisions because I felt they were best for her - I made them because I felt like I was somehow a bad mom if I didn't.

By the time Judah was born I was a little more aware of the alternate parenting world. Thanks to the Internet I was able to read about other parent's experiences with co-sleeping, not vaccinating and attachment parenting. Judah was a different breed of baby and didn't actually LIKE sleeping in our bed. He wanted to stretch out, unhindered. So, we set up the bassinet right next to our bed and that is where he slept for the first year of his life. Breastfeeding at night was still relatively easy because he was within arm's reach and I never had to worry about whether or not he was breathing.

However, the circumstances of our lives and our marriage were hellish and I had 6 breast infections within the first 5 months of his life. I weighed the options, realizing that I couldn't even function well enough to take care of my two kids and weaned Judah onto formula. I researched every kind of formula on the market and went with the lesser evil. It was incredibly expensive and really discouraging for me to give up yet another conviction towards natural parenting. Judah had multiple allergies and it took him a long time (and lots of vitamin d, grapefruit seed extract and elderberry) to work it out of his system.

I had also become a vegan around the time I had Judah and THIS TIME I was determined to not feed my kids meat or dairy. My husband was worried that Judah would be a small weakling if he didn't get "enough" protein in his diet, but agreed to try it. He was admittedly shocked by our robust, strong little vegan tank. And I am so thankful that I didn't give into the pressure to feed him the way everyone else was feeding their kids. Judah will choose a carrot stick over a piece of chocolate any day. He is adventurous and always willing to try new foods. He loves vegetables and beans and brown rice. And he is oh so healthy.

Aravis is another story - she only wants pasta, bread or sugar. It's a daily battle to get nutritious, healthy food in her belly. It makes me truly believe that what you start your children out with will shape what they are drawn to for the rest of their lives.

Along the way I've made decisions that I wasn't comfortable with - only to conform to the world around me. I've learned that those decisions didn't actually benefit any of us. They only made us more socially acceptable. These days I'm not so concerned with being socially acceptable. I'd rather be comfortable with the way I am raising my kids. I'd much rather do what I know is best for the individual human beings who are relying on me for their nourishment, health, acceptance and safety. I want to know that I did right by my kids. I want to know that I did my very best to raise them to do what is right for them - without being afraid of what other people will think of their choices. My kids are my priority. My kids are my life.

So, now that I am getting ready to add Daisy to our family, I am researching my birth options, diapering options, baby wearing, breastfeeding and co sleeping options. I am finding so much peace in just parenting MY way. I love to read about other people's experiences. I love to know that I am not the only weird parent out there. :)

Jack

My nephew Jack was born last night! I'm going to meet him this afternoon, but my husband Joe was SO lucky and got to meet him last night. We are so excited to welcome Jack into our family. We're especially excited for Daisy to have a cousin her age to grow up with.

Jack is so handsome and perfect - how could I NOT share his sweet face?!

And Then We Rest

This is just one of those moments that should never end. I spent the entire morning cleaning like a mad woman and now I am just sitting here - exhausted. The window is wide open and there is an amazing 80 degree breeze billowing into the curtains. Everything smells sweet and fresh and clean. My kids are playing quietly together. I am fed and hydrated. I am content.

My life seems to be riding on a slow and soft wave lately. There is a general peace everywhere (with random small exceptions). I feel purposeful. I feel deliberately close to a soft breaking.

I am so thankful for moments like these. Human life is so full of tension and stress. We spend so much of our time worrying, arguing and doing. The more I live the more I see the incredible value in simply soaking in an accomplished and peaceful moment.

We do what is ours to do and then we rest.

Help!

Since we live with my parents, and there are quite a few of us to feed, my mama and I have a plan to make (and freeze) lots and lots of meals for the weeks following Daisy's birth.

Dilemma Number One: I have zero desire to cook anything - even pasta - these days.

Dilemma Number Two: Half of us are vegans and the other half are carnivores.

So, to all of my sweet friends who ENJOY cooking, HELP! We need simple, vegan friendly meal ideas! I'd really like to be able to spend a day putting everything together so that we can relax knowing that meals are covered!

Since Joe and my parents will be taking over all of my regular jobs - school drop offs and pick ups, lunches, laundry, cleaning and Judah duty - I'm hoping dinner will be one less thing to worry about! :)

If you have any ideas or recipes, post them as a comment and I will be ETERNALLY grateful!

LOVE to you all!

Birth Dreams

I've been researching breech births and things to do to turn a baby who is breech. I've kind of decided to just leave her alone. If Daisy wants to turn she'll turn. However, I AM talking to her and asking her to turn. Last night when I laid down I started explaining the birthing process and why it would be so much easier and smoother if she turned. My sweet little girl started stretching and kicking - almost painfully. It was so interesting to experience her response to my voice - maybe even on a deeper level.

At 4:30 this morning I had the most intense, realistic dream. I dreamt that I was giving birth to Daisy. It was so calm and so relaxed that we forgot to call the midwife until she was crowning and almost here. In my dream I never felt rushed or anxious or afraid. My little Daisy just moved herself down, head first, and was born without all of the sadness of my last birth. And then there she was - perfect and whole. The dream was so real that it woke me up. I just laid there - unsure if she was really here, or really about to just fall out.

All of this to say - I have SUCH confidence that Daisy will come head first into this world. I am so certain that my body, and my baby, are preparing for the ANTICIPATED day of her birth. Every time I dream about her I feel closer to her. I already feel like I know, and have held, my little girl. I can't wait to meet her. :)

Breech

I'm almost 34 weeks and little miss Daisy Belle is breech. It took me a few days to process how I felt about her position because I've never had a baby NOT dive head first as soon as they could! She obviously has LOTS of time left to turn and, trust me, she is an ACTIVE baby. Sometimes I wonder if she's trying to figure out how to turn around... or maybe she's an active zumba-ist like her Grandma Cookie. She definitely responds to music... and her family's voices. Daisy will kick and poke and squirm when she hears her daddy's voice, but she LOVES her brother's and sister's voices. It must be those gentle and soft little words of love and excitement traveling through the amniotic fluid to her tiny little ears. She is so responsive to love - and she doesn't have any idea who they are or what the world outside of the womb is like.

I've been dreaming about Daisy a lot. My midwife says that she believes that Daisy's dreams are connected to my dreams since we are so very connected right now. I dream about birthing her, holding her, seeing her smile, and even about holding her tiny hand through my belly. It might be a little weird, but it's also so comforting. I've never dreamt such deep and real dreams about my babies before they were born. And, considering how disconnected I felt from her at the beginning of my pregnancy, it is such a gift to feel like I already know Daisy and she already knows me.

I've also not felt even a moment of anxiety about being done with this pregnancy. Everything has flown by so quickly - I know I will be in labor before I know it. So, I'm just living in the moment. I'm preparing for her arrival, dreaming about her and enjoying my kids and husband before Daisy changes us forever.

My midwife suggested I read up about breech births and watch any videos I can find. She says some babies are meant to be born breech and if Daisy doesn't turn she isn't worried. So, I've been researching ways to try to get her to turn and watching youtube videos of natural breech homebirths just to prepare for the possibility of a breech birth. It's actually amazing to watch a baby being born feet first. I've heard it's more painful - but doesn't every unmedicated birth hurt? I'm finding that I am really not afraid of the pain this time. The pain of childbirth has never been the end of me. In fact, it has produced such joy, such comfort, such accomplishment. The reward far outweighs the suffering. Story of my life :)

Aravis wants to celebrate Daisy's birthday. It has never occured to me to celebrate a birth, but I love the idea. We're thinking of ways to celebrate Daisy's first moments. Obviously we're looking for ways to celebrate that don't involve mama getting out of bed :) If you have any suggestions send them my way! We can't wait to celebrate our tiny baby!